I want to be a tzadik. I want to be a good servant of Hashem and follow His path and do His will in love and fear. Help.

Now to introduce myself... Shalom. I'm a 22 year old boy, i'm a BT since i was 11 years old. I want to thank you for the great daily support via emails, stories, testimonies and everything good and right.

I know there's a way out of the vicious circle but i am still having some troubles finding it. I have had good clean streaks that have lasted months even years but somehow the yh found its way and i felt helpless and weaker than it... just for that moment... and then we all know the feeling that comes afterward. My latest fall was on Jan 3 after almost 6 months clean... I feel that everything collapsed and a time for new beginning had come. Now i strive to daven everyday and strengthen my kesher to Hashem and to remind myself constantly that i am a son of the King, ben shel Melech. I strongly belief that Hashem will conquer my heart completely and eternally. This is my goal in this life. Total surrender to Adonai Hashem Elokai.

But i honestly don't think that this battle has an end... which can be a good thing...
What are your thoughts about that?

Dmaot wrote:


Hi Dmaot,

Slow down buddy. Work at being healthy and sober before you become a tzadik.

Take one step at a time and you will have a much better shot at being successful

Eli

Welcome Dmaot! You are in the right place. Have you read the handbook? There is a lot of good stuff in there. Keep reading and posting here too. There is a lot to learn.

I think its fair to say that the battle will never end. Hashem put us in the world to overcome challenges. Long term success oversoming the challenge is certainly possible and In some ways the challenge can brcome easier, but if we ever become complacent, the battles is lost.

Appreciate every victory, those are never lost. Keep on fighting the battle, you sound fully up to the task.

reallygettingthere, you are right. I shouldn't have concentrated on myself... on what i want. I dont need to be anything... I should concentrate on Hashem, not on me, im just afar v'efer, im nothing.

gibbor120, thanks for warm welcome, i have the handbooks downloaded, still have not gone deep in them but i will.

kosher, brother, this is so true...

I guess my welcome wasn't too warm :-p

You definitively can focus on yourself but just do it one step at a time. You don't want to slip and fall which is what happens when people try to run before they can walk.

The people who try to become tzadikim before they are functional human beings end up hurting themselves (and others).

Right. Sometimes you need a slap in the face to wake you up. So, um... thanks.

Dear Dmaot,

remember the six month will be stored for you in eternity. So, definitely you could abstain. And even tzadikim had problems in their youth. Do not beat yourself up. Which methods did you try against the problem? I saw some succes with the taphsic method. A lots of hatzloche. It is also brought down in the s'forim (Steipler's letters) every time that you say no to the Y"H of masturbation during the nisayon you'll get on the level of Tzadik yesod olam (like Yosef hatzaddik).

What's interesting is that i didn't do anything mamash. Nothing. I just lived an ordinary G-d fearing life. I had no troubles with shmirat einaim, no troubles with thoughts, nothing. But you know what happened then... i drifted away from G-d's path in the beginning of december and went with secular people and had secular fun for just a few days. The secular university that i go to had a party and i was the only one who wouldn't go, so i went... I thought i'd be okay if i didn't let this get to my heart. I was wrong. I think that was the time i opened the door to the yh. And a month later i fell. I did teshuva and i realized that staying in G-d's holiness is crucial, it's a question of life and death.

I pray to Hashem to accept me once again...

I pray to Hashem to take me a level up so i could be more serious and devoted to keep His mitzvot and fear His Name.

I'm trying the tafsik method now. I'm waiting for the next time the yh attacks me and i pray that i have the humility to hand it over to Hashem for only He can deal with it.

just noticed the title of this thread 'does this battle have an end'

the answer to this is 'YES.but not until you reach 120 and one day.

[quote="Dmaot" post=200785]I want to be a tzadik. I want to be a good servant of Hashem and follow His path and do His will in love and fear. Help.

I can identify with that. I wanted to be a tzadik and i was miserable for many years.

Today i don't want to "be" something. I just want to be close to Hashem.

Hashem has made me an addict. I believe therefore that the path Hashem has laid out for me to come close to Him is through embracing this challenge and striving towards a solution. Since the only solution i know for this poblem is to work a 12 step program, this is the path Hashem wants me to be on.

The 12 step program not only helps me deal with this problem, it brings me close to Hashem in a way i could otherwise not have imagined.

I wish you hatslocho in finding your path.

For me the battle ended when I surrendered.
That's how most battles end, when one side gives up and surrenders, no?

All the best!!