Hi, I have come to Gye the last several months now. (not sure as to what level i was addicted whatever that means, there was/is something there obviously, but this fellowship and listening to some confrence calls has made a BIG difference to my approach and i have almost reached 90 days.
1. When do you think I can start going out again? i haven't been out for about a year and half.
2. Isn't there a need to feel a certain attraction to a woman you will marry ? it seems very hard to avoid the lusting part?
I mean every time i would go out I would usually feel it in my pants, literally ...(not z"l just some moisture etc. but because I never had much tools like gye, now, so it would eventually lead to Z'l, especially if it didnt workout etc.) SO i dont think thats normal.
Now, I dont wanna try going out and seeing how it goes , because ,aybe its the right one and I could mess up the opportunity, id rather wait till im confident about it, and than go out.
3. will i need to disclose these issues with my wife ? or can i have a regular normal relationship?

Shmuly,
First, welcome to the forum. It's one thing to read it, quite another to join, open up and post. What I express here are only the personal opinions of a lust addict in recovery, and the father of girls approaching shidduchim.

I know the feeling of arousal you describe in question 2. I can't say whether or not it's normal, because I'm not normal. We lust addicts are very easily aroused, and this arousal can start us on the path to z"l, although it doesn't have to. It is one of the great myths that once we become aroused we must finish the job. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not a psik reisha.

Yes, it's important to find your bashert physically attractive. That doesn't mean you should be looking at her and thinking about what she looks like in the bedroom. I think it simply means you enjoy looking at her, that you think she's pretty. You don't have to be aroused by her to know she's the right one. Aderaba, if she's the right one, then, in the right time and place, you will be plenty aroused. On a shidduch date isn't the place.

My opinion is you should date when you are confident that you really have this behind you, because it will not go away just because you marry. In fact, it often gets much worse. 6 months clean is my estimate.

Provided the bochur is truly in recovery, I don't think it's helpful for a starry-eyed, idealistic Bais Yaakov girl to hear about her chosson's aveiros. She wants and needs to look up to you. But you do want it to be real. Some girls are getting savvy and asking about internet addiction and such. If you're faced with these questions, don't you want to be able to respond that you have been nichshol, but you can say with confidence that you've put it behind you, you've grown up?

Hatzlocha,
Alex

Welcome Shmuly!

Do you have a rav, rebbi, or someone you respect that you can talk to? There is some good advice on this forum and some bad. Speaking to someone who knows you and who you respect (while admittedly uncomfortable at first) is probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

I wish you bracha and hatzlacha!

Oh, and I just found this. It may be of interest to you www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=938.0 .

thanks alex for that, i appreciate your sound advice, and im basicaly 1 day away from 90 , so i guess im half way there, although i do understand what gibbor120 is saying re speaking to a rebi/mashpia becuase i am unique like everyone else. ;D so thank you both

90 days is no small feat. You obviously have found your way to stay clean.
The further along we are, the easier it gets. Provided you keep doing what you're doing and don't become complacent and start slipping into old habits, no matter how benign they may seem. Like Reb Guard says, reaching 90 days is like slamming the door shut on a big monster. He's still there in the closet, just you can breathe a little. But should you open the door a crack to take a peek, well, the door isn't shut anymore.

I admire you for doing this at this point in your life, and I wish you continued success.

shmuly,

I'm in a similar situation and have been looking for others like me. I am weary about starting shidduchim in the state that I am in.
How can I sit across from someone whom I may potentially marry and not be completely honest about who I am? How can I IY"H one day shlep someone I supposedly love into a marriage to an addict?
On the other hand: What if she is the one and I tell her to early and she gets scared off before she gets to know me?
Also, is the issue of explaining to my parents and shadchanim why shidduchim are falling through.

gibbor120,

As much as I know you are right, part of me is clinging to the current status of my Rav still respecting me as a good guy. I am just having trouble taking the plunge and smashing that image, even if it means only keeping it alive for 1 more day. I am rationalizing that I'm not dating yet, so I'll speak to him before I start.

NeedToQuit wrote on 09 Nov 2012 17:04:

I know how you feel. I am a big talker. I didn't speak to my Rav until my wife found out and I had no choice. But, it was one of the best things I did.

As far as respect goes. The world respects the illusion of perfection. Your Rav respects reality and honesty. I don't know your Rav, and they are not all the same, but if he is a good Rav, he will respect you more, not less. You will not be the first person to discuss this type of issue with him. In any event, your Rav's "respect" will not help you. His help will.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

gibbor120 wrote on 16 Nov 2012 17:05:


Reb Gibbor120,

I DID IT!!! Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!

I spoke to him this morning and just as you said (and I knew subconsciously) he was very understanding and supportive. And it wasn't nearly "the hardest thing I ever did" which I thought it would be. He gave me real chizzuk for my situation and told me that I just need to keep pushing forward. He also reassured me that I shouldn't worry about telling any prospective shidduchim until it starts getting serious and I speak to him again. He described to me what it took him to quite smoking and that he knows this is much harder. He was also very happy that I found this website.

Thank you again!!! And H' should bless all of us who battle this Yetzer Harah with the strength to fight it, especially those warriors who frequent this site.

Thats beatiful thanks for sharing