Hi people, just been scooting around for a day or two on the forum and after 60 days clean had a nasty fall. Oh shucks!
KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT KOT

Thank you Hashem!

60 days! that's a great accomplishment! Hashem is proud of you.

I see you already know the drill... FSKOMT!

Gevura!

_{P.S. I wanted to try your Cholent recipe but my wife wouldn't let me use her pots 8)}

the problem is it feels like a drill, scripted and planned, go clean 40 days or 60 or 100 days and then fall, get up and continue I USED TO BE A CLEAN GUY! (sorta)
Thanks 4 the Hizzuk , I thunk the secret mission from the oneabove is NOW. whatcha gonna do/ watcha gonna do.

Arggh i cant shut off my Bing images it's on an administratyor setting and i i can alway set the safe search to off which is killin me!

mr. wrote on 30 Oct 2012 21:12:


That is a big "(sorta)", indeed. I am a lot of great things...sorta.

I am considerate to everyone....sorta.
I am a very, very nice person to live with....sorta.
I trust Hashem 100% with my life, my money, my sex, my health, and my future....sorta.

I need lots of help (not sorta). And that's OK, cuz I go get it....on a good day.

exactly.
but clean sorta means more than 2 years.

back in the day when it was exciting to be shomer habrit and i was aggressively avoiding this garbage

hey emunah!
wellcome aboard!
I also felt like I was just hanging in there until the next fall.
there's more to this site than just counting days
open up post about your challenges
you may find that you can get to the crux of your issues
and the chevra might be able to help you

Yeah, and that might be the problem. 'Agressively fighting' sounds like a good thing - and sometimes is! But sometimes all it does is create this giant, heavy, and progressive load of "boy am I a good guy"..."I deserve a medal for sacrificing so much"..."Hey, being a kadosh is supposed to be a little better than this, no?"

And then - sometimes - when the dam breaks for whatever reason we cannot understand, the backlash is very frustrating.

Maybe not your case, at all. But it happens.

B'frat for you, I'd hope you take heart and admire your progress. Expect perfection from the rebbes, not from you. Expect Hashem to be 100% with you and help you stay clean today. Boruch Hashem that's not 'Kedusha', and boruch Hashem that's not 'Gadlus'. It's just being good today.

Foolish to make a big deal about just being good - a thing we all are supposed to do.

It's a befeirusheh mishna in 'Peirek': im limad'toh Torah harbei, al tachzik tova l'atzmecha...ki l'kach notzartoh!

So many (good) people here on GYE deny that mishna - they run from it. They want 'chizzuk' - to 'make' the 90 day chart - a medal. We say "Mazel Tov! (You didn't sneak off again and watch a video of naked people having sex again and then go masturbate yourself again!) That's great!"

And it is. I know. For I am a recovering pervert, too, b"H.

But as all our wives know full well, our staying clean is really just not screwing our lives, that's all. Sure it's hard, and sure we should be happy about success. But al tachzik tovah l'atzmecha is a very important fact that only grown-ups can appreciate. And for me, it is always time to grow up.

I do not deserve any credit for my staying clean for the past 15+ years, and all my recovering friends know it, and so does my wife, and so does G-d. G-d deserves all the credit for the success. All that I deserve credit for is wanting to stay clean enough to take the steps to let Hashem do it for me. I just get out of His way every single day. I am just as dependent on Him as ever. Is that a curse? I think not.

I'm just saying hi ;D

mr. wrote on 30 Oct 2012 21:12:


Dear friend,

When a major hurricane is looming and they say to evacuate, we mustn't be smarter to think that we can hang around and not be harmed. We need to run for our lives and keep a safe distance from harm's way. If we find that a computer (or other electronic gadget) is harmful to our health, and has caused us much damage in the past, we must avoid it like a plague. If we keep coming back for more, be it kosher or non-kosher stuff, we will inevitably be sucked in once again. And again. And again.

For example, a holy GYE friend of ours just sent me a link to Yeshiva World where he wants me to check out the devastation that happened this week in his area. B"H I did not click on that 'kosher' link, cuz I know my weakness, and I try to never forget the many times where I started out by looking at such 'important' current events, and somehow ended up in 'she'ol tachtis'. So I have a policy (yes with neder and knas) be"H not to go into 'any' website or any link which is not absolutely necessary (and absolutely kosher).

I just read this week from R' Chaim Schmulevitz zt"l that although Hashem does not give us nisyonos that we cannot handle, but if we put ourselves in harm's way and we cause our nisyonos - those are not covered by this guarantee, and we will ch"v fall big-time.

So dear friend, we need not be in a state of yi'ush. We can make today the first day of our life with a fresh start and with renewed hope of getting back on the road to recovery. BUT for heaven's sake, first let's put down that 'bottle', and be committed to stay away from it. And then we can say to Hashem, "We have done whatever is in our power - please do Your share and help us succeed."

Amen, kein yehi ratzon

MT

Thank you all my sweet Brothers.
Your understanding is great.
First an update (up as oppos(sum)ed to down-date that was yesterday.

Thank Hashem I got through my initial down - meaning that this wasn't a double dip recession.
This is a great step forward because traditionaly my YH had tried to convince me that HEY! Yer down, you did it, tomorrow you gonna need to start from day 1 -no more fun no more games, chap arein chap arein! 2 for the price of one.
Any hoo an important part of the not falling again was that thank god i have taken 2 new night seder havrutot this zman, and although i DID NOT WANT TO LEARN, I JUST WANTED TO GO TO SLEEP! i felt a responsibility to put in an effort. After my first chavrusa I was feeling good enuf to say FALL AGAIN? C'mon i don't have that much energy, i think i'll go home and learn a bit more and go to sleep. With praise to the one above i did Fartugs too, so hopefully
i can put meself in a positive frame of mind.

I came clean with my other havruta (I HATE HAVING TO DO THAT)
And probably'll have to tell my Rabbi too (I HATE THAT EVEN MORE)
HAPPY DAY NUMBER 1 - HASHEM JUST 1 CLEAN DAY- please? day, hour, minute second nanosecond....
LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
8) DARN IT where is the smiley baring his teeth? where is the smiley with a na nach kappel?
oh well more soon.

mr. wrote on 31 Oct 2012 15:29:


Coming clean to live people is an awesome step! Great work KOT!

according to TOGBRP's website bardichev once said:

Hey thats wonderful that you got right back in the truck.

Just one thing. It's great that you're doing extra learning at night and also Fartugs. But sometimes being overtired can make this problem worse. So don't overdo it and make sure you get enough sleep.

Hatzlacha and KOMT!!! ;D

Machshovo wrote on 31 Oct 2012 14:47:


Dear MT (is that a reference to Libi Halal b'kirby?)

Beautiful words man, beautiful words.

Your wisdom is much and your thoughts, good.

NOW, does that mean i need to quit my job? i really don't know myself.

I'll give you a quick update where i'm holding-

I am really curious and love reading about) interesting things... (READ Shmutz kishuv mysteries thrillers and the like YEAH! HARRY POTTER!) and can somtimes be a danger to myself even without internet (if i have access to interesting literature) even reading intersting shaalot uteshuvot sefarim

but over all if i stay away it's much easier to focus on positive stuff.

Now in my work allour prorams are internet based, yeah there's filtering, but it's not perfect- especially in regards to all those STUPID STUPID STUPID "jewish" "heimish" blogs- not really knocking Vosizneias or YWN, but they are also not faultless...

I also have a huge interest in pro-sports so although it's sorta benign, you end up in sites which are not optimal.

I have had success with the "NO INTERNET FOR ANTHING NO WORK RELATED" the longest period being approx. 3 months, the drawback is when i do go i end up falling all the way (you fell right, nu just finish it off and get it over with... BE QUIET YH! go bother some possum!).

Anyways
I made a new program, the rule are as follows;
I have a shomer- he doesn't really have to know where i went, all he knows iws that i am wasting time and yiras shomayim online) i have to give him $20 cash at the begining of every week, any time i go online non work related- BAM that $20 goes to the tseddaka of his coice AND it needs to be replaced with another $20. at the end of the week the 20 goes into the holding account. the next week a new $20 is required with the same rules, but if there's a fall (non work related internet NWRI for short) then the 20 plus half of the holding account goes and the new 20 needs replacement.
After some time (i haven't decided yet, maybe before my next trip to NY) i can Cash out and use all the money in the holding for something nice.

so far it's costed a lotta dough, but thats the point!

thanks again