can all you "no fake names please" heroes please post right here and now your full names, photos , passport numbers etc?!
i am sure your kids will get top-notch shiduchim, no doubt

two things:
1) on a persoanl level- i actually felt really annoyed (for the very first time here) by this attitude.
for me, the abiilty to share feelings and being supported from "behind my wall" works GREAT right now. i am a newbie. i am feeling great improvement for the first time ever BH. i may move on to more face-to- face recovery when the time comes, or maybe i already reached some healing point. and the fake name is prt of the process. so please dont judge!
2) on a communal level - there is a certain chisaron in support grouops and forums like these ones (ooops...!)as the situations that we talk about are not actually shameful, and we may forget it at some point . the fact that we hide behind names shows that we have busha of what we do/did , and that mitigates the problem.
i hope i got my point through

yours truly,
sholom yaakov mechel halevy rubinfleder-kletzmann , 770 western parkway, anchorage, japan

and by the way, Amordechai, how are you doing? is your recovery going well? Do you need some tips and / or advice?

(we got so caught up by this names issue that we forgot who started this forum and why...)

good luck to you, Amordechai- I accept you whichever way you choose to call yourself

all yours,

Zundel Shmerl Attias (that's already Kevin's FOURTH name here- tss...tss.. shame on me!)

Oh, no...Dov woke up. Negelvasser took a few days, but here we go!

Kevin Pond, please stick what works for you. He can help us in lots of different ways, it seems. To heck with me and whatever else anyone else says. You are doing right if you are doing OK, I say. But with Hashem's help, here is my side of the story:

OK, so I figure that the reason that it's called "Alcoholics Anonymous" is because we keep eachother's identity private outside the meetings. But there is a catch: unlike in this forum - on which we are only identified by our username (and whatever facts we choose to divulge) - traditional AA meetings involve walking into a room. I usually bring my face with me, personally. It's just too painful to remove each time. I also bring in my tzitzis, my yarmulkah (both of which I used to remove "so as not to make a chillul Hashem" before going into a dirty book store, years back!), and I bring in my real name. The one my wife and friends call me: "Dov". So much for hiding in a paper bag....or in a username. It's different than meetings.

And as Reb Eye (the eyeball guy) pointed out sublty, "OHMIGOSH! I SAID I LIVE IN A FRUM COMMUNITY!" I'll tell you a story. Early in our marriage, when it was mikvah night and my wife went out to the car to go and mikvatize herself, heaven help me if I would pop out the door and say anything to her...like, even "seeya later," or"Here is the credit card, the car needs gas, honey." Oh, boy. She'd give me a look that could kill...and later she'd be mad as heck. "I was going to the mikvah! How could you embarrass me like that?"

That was twenty years ago.

After a few years of growing up, she began getting less self-conscious - eventually even being able to call out to me from the car as she was on her way to the mikvah with pronouncements like, "Dov (cuz that's my name), put the perishables away soon, OK?" She did not announce, "I am finished with those bedikos and going to the mikvah now and we might be having sex later....but please Dov - put away that cottage cheese!" Not quite.

But early on, it felt to her that this was exactly what she'd be announcing.

That's usually the same fear newbies feel ID-ing themselves (by just a first name!) here, I think. It's OK. We all outgrow it, be"H.

I have been on this forum a long time, I have been going to SA meetings a long time - with frum guys and even to shabbatons with hundreds of frum sex addicts there (many with their wives, too)...and we do not lose shidduchim. We respect eachother's addiction as we respect our own. We are anonymous.

OK, so enough with the name. I bring it up when I feel it is needed - that is, when the writer seems to be hiding his brains out. That's when it needs to be broached. Not for everybody. If someone makes a deal of it, then it is probably a big deal for them - and it probably needs to come out if they are to really grow into their next layer of recovery.

But maybe not.

And you are right, KP. What happened to amordechai? He had some awesome posts the other day!

thanks Dov, for a very interesting post. you have great sense of humor, and your story is amazing.
my wife & i are also more "normal" nowadays than 20 years ago in these matters of privacy, as i am sure many couples are.
i was just peeved because i felt - as a newbie- that i am being judged.
in Frum society we ("kevin" included) sometimes tend to judge too much. i believe it is part of our inability to deal with our SA problem.
i went into this forum for a breath of fresh air, a lifesaver, a place where I & others are FINALLY NOT being judged (!!!!) and all of a sudden this idiotic comment was made about me and my username.
ironically, my username alludes quite strongly to my real name (hmmmm... start the guessing game!) Much more than "kadosh770 " tahor123" or "eyesForYou613" So when i sign as kevin pond i DO feel "myslef". how can others judge me?
one more point- people on this forum should please respect the fact that we come from different mentalities. i live in Europe (that's a weird place...It's outside Boro Park!!) and we Europeans tend to be much more private.

au revoir!

The case for a real first name use is very well articulated and is quite compelling. The opposing argument is merely an irritated outburst.
Kevin's username was used as an example, and was certainly not a personal attack. Notice that the original poser of the question was merely trying to get an understanding of Dov's s h ita on this issue, and I merely got him a compilation of old posts. So it got a little trigger-happy, and real people with fake names but real feelings got dragged in.
No one here could care more for you than your own self. If you feel that the first name use is lost on you, I am no wiser.
But for everyone reading this, this discussion is important (although it flares up every so often, like here).
If we've been around the block and tried to attend to this issue of ours for many years, and nothing's worked, perhaps it's not the last question to ask ourselves "what am I doing wrong". And being honest with oneself is one of the more important tools we learn in this program.
But we, addicts (those who are), are a very sensitive bunch, and G-d save you if you step on my ego or dare to suggest what might help me.
Whatever works for you, even the "we, Europeans, are more private" myth.
Mottel
P.S. No offense taken on the "idiotic comment" comment. I know you mean it sincerely, and sincerity is a positive attitude. keep it up.

Dear Mr Pond,

Thanks for the kind words about my sense of humor and for your openness about your feelings regarding the whole name issue. You were open and honest and explained where you were hailing from clearly.

The last thing I need or want to do is look down on anyone - least of all a fellow lust-problem-person. No doubt, my 'direct' approach has turned off some and I regret that. Frankly, in the end, I believe that it is the ones who are the most judgmental themselves who see judgmentalism in others - as you alluded to quite nicely.

As Gandalf put it so well in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings": well...I can't really remember (having not spent that much time in the restroom lately) but it went something like: "the deceitful are ever suspicious." In other words, we tend to interpret the behavior of others based on the way we would behave. If we ourselves are sarcastic, then we will more often misinterpret things people say or write as being vicious or sarcastic, etc. The Ba'al Shem Tov said it a long time ago, when he taught that when we see others as ugly, we are actually only seeing our own defects.

For all that, KP, you seem above it, actually - if I may 'judge' positively. And the wages of that attitude are nice.

Vive la' liberte! (spelled right?)

BSD

hi Dov, Obermottel and everyone else,

i am really sorry if i got too heated up about the whole issue. specifically for calling your post idiotic.
you all replied with impressive maturity.
you also made me think deeper into the issue of fake identity/ username. i am actually intending to start a new thread here about myslef and about that whole subject BH.

Wow, Dov! Gandalf and the Ba'al Shem Tov in the same paragraph! (l'havdil) I think the appropriate expression is (though I feel like I must be on drugs to actually say it or type it), "You rock!"

--Elyah

Eye.nonymous wrote on 31 May 2012 17:54:

Since you enjoy being cross-referenced, here you go
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3071.msg131234#msg131234

Dov,

Whoever said it, that idea is so true its scary. The only things that bother me in other people, are the things I myself am weak in.

Us humans are such incomplete creatures.

MB

TZ, I'm impressed.

--Elyah

kevin wrote on 31 May 2012 12:29:

Hey Kevin, or Ezra, or whatever your username is now...any news from over the 'pond'?

It occurs to me that a few of your posts veer into the husband-wife relationship. That's great and I wish more posts were about that area. G-d knows we are poorly equipped to be healthy there, especially porn and fantasy-using males like us...

We need healing and Help there, if we need it anywhere.

Have a nice day and hope you are still in the game.

- Dov

BH
Dov,

i want to thank you for keeping in touch. After last debate i was in a bit of a sulky mood, and it is your zechus that i am back on the forum.
yishar koach!

-Kevin (i am pretty consistant nowadays with my false names...criminla's morlas, you know.... 8)

BTW i am moving to eretz yisroel very soon IY"H!

Welcome back!
Hatzlocho on your aliya!
Mottel

thank you