Hello,

I am new to GYE, and I wanted to introduce myself. I have struggled with thoughts related to acting out various sexual fetishes for 16 years and with masturbation for about 9 years. I would like need to be free… for myself, because I can’t afford to spend more time, money, energy – any more of my being – on things that give me no fulfilment : not physically, not emotionally, and certainly not spiritually. for the people around me, because when I act out and drain my energy, I am not present for them. Hashem is important to me, and halacha is very close to my heart… but I am very far the place I want to be in yiras shamayim, and I know that spiritual reasons alone have not been a strong enough impetus to overcome this addiction.

I have signed up on the 90 day chart, and I am 6 days clean currently. I intend to heal myself physically (by staying away for 90 days), and emotionally (by trying to be more aware of my emotions and journaling on a regular basis).

Spiritual healing might take a little longer. . . but b”h I am headed in the right direction.

--amordechai

Welcome Amordechai!
Good to have another struggling soul on board.
Read through the handbook for the basics.
Daven for sobriety regularly.

Don't let your Y"H tell you you're not motivated enough or you would have stopped. This isn't an issue of motivation. We're all plenty motivated to stop, but kept acting out anyway. Because we're addicts, and that's what addicts do. Continued use despite harm.

The difference now is not that you're more motivated.
What's different now is that you have new tools; a new approach -- one that works. It's called recovery. Complete abstinence from all forms of the drug, and surrender of our lust to Hashem.

Hatzlocha on your new journey. Keep us posted. Staying active on this forum is a great way to keep up your resolve.

Alex

Welcome, a(nother)mordechai!
Looking forward to joining you in this journey. It will probably take longer than 90 days, but don't worry about it now. Just stay clean though Shabbos and report back to us.
We're a friendly bunch, so stick around.
Gut Shabbos!
Mottel

Welcome Chaver,

I wish you much hatzlacha in your new GYE journey. I'm thinking what can I offer to a new chaver - here are some tidbits from GYE literature that may mey helpful:

General suggestions that are helpful at all levels:
(1) Attempting to achieve progressive success in guarding our eyes,
(2) developing the proper perspective and attitude on the struggle (by reading GYE materials and applying what we learn),
(3) adding more meaning and fulfillment to our lives from alternative activities and pursuits,
(4) increasing physical activity and exercise
(5) staying out of isolation in everyday life
(6) connecting (even anonymously) with others who have the same struggle through the GYE network.

Have a great Shabbos - thank Hashem for leading you in the right path to recovery.

MT

Thank you so much for all the responses. I just wanted to report back and say I am doing well, baruch hashem. Looking forward to Sivan and Shavuot.

That's great news! Keep it up! You'll see, the cheesecake and blintzes (and kreplach) will be so much tastier this Shavuos, and the flowers will smell so much better. Everything looks and feels better when we are better.

Kol tuv,

MT

Awesome!
Would you care to share some more of your story so we can relate to you even more?

Welcome, Amordechai! 8)
i am also new here, and since i (very actively...) joined this forum, my life took a complete change. This forum is a lifesaver. it is not just a place to help you stay clean, it's also a place where you can be your real self.

tons of haztlocho!

Just to play Dov's advocate, kevin:
Great place to be yourself while hiding behind a fake name?!
Nu.

Dear OM,

Now that Dov seems to be sleeping (shhh), can you please explain what's this whole 'rugza' about fake first names? I mean, doesn't SA stand for something 'anonymous'? Or stated differently, why don't we also have to advertise our last name as well, and address etc., if we need to be truthful, honest and open? If nobody is expected to publicize their full identity, so as not to jeopardize their privacy, why are they obligated to use their real first name, when it may just as well give them away based on all other info that they share? I hope you understand my shailoh and can enlighten me (bedarkei noam, i.e. without the 'gofris vomelach' that seems to go with this topic).

Sincerely,

MT

Not that I know anything about anything around here (but I do like to talk),
it seems to me that the use of real names is for your own benefit, not for the forums. It's a bit dangerous to start forming an alter-ego that knows how to tell the truth- it doesn't affect you personally as well as if you were being addressed and talking with your real name. That's why I started signing my name after posts. Indeed, your full name would be too dangerous because it would take away the benefit of privacy that makes the forum so useful in the first place... but what do you have to lose by being related and relating better with your first name?
Whew! I don't even know if that makes sense! :o

Meir

Sorry, I was away from the computer, and since this question was raised many times before here (and Dov voiced his opinion on this many times before) I wanted to simply copy and paste so that MT and all who have this question might benefit.
Meir (E-TeK) said it very well, I think. As long as we hide behind a fake name, we probably are not facing the true reality of our plight.
For example here Dov writes:
5- By hiding behind a username and never peeping out from behind it to meet and create real relationships with real, sober people, we are doomed to forget. A friend of mine says "this is a disease of forgetting."
In another place, the Great One expresses himself so:
And yet so many are of us are still hiding behind usernames! OK, some use them because it's the style on forums, I know. But I also know that most guys (not all) are deathly afraid - some viscerally unable - to actually admit their real names here. Heck, posting at all is such a hard thing for many to do. And of those few who can or do post with their real first names (see my Captain Kirk thingy if you still can't fall asleep yet), most of them would still not consider actually meeting another recovering yid in their community to talk of the truth about themselves with.
The above referenced Capt Kirk is a GYE classic, and could be found here.
There, the imperative of coming face to face with yourself is outlined brilliantly.
Here is another:
But it is unlikely that anyone can expect help if they are calling out from behind the safe walls of their impenetrable castle.

If I hide behind a username - that's one stone wall;

If I use no other person to tell the full and actual details of what I am doing, to - that's another stone wall;

And then this, and I will wrap up:
A reality that I have shared before in many ways:

Forum talk is cheap. That's why it will not work. For some it is y'kar erech - they simply cannot type it out at all...so when they do, it is meaningful and hence brings with it a new level of recovery for them.

But for those who are used to it, it is still hiding behind something: a username (fake). So it no longer works. For them, phone conversations using their real voice is the only way they can really get the truth out in any meaningful way now.

But for those that have been doing that already regularly, hiding behind something else makes it fake for them: the telephone - no face, no real me. They often need to move on to face-to-face meetings. No big deal, really, if it is with another recovering person who admits he is as sick as they are inside. The emails and phone just do not work any more, cuz their honesty and realness have increased. It is a natural process.

And for those who have been doing face-to-face meetings for some time already, the fakeness of hiding behind a fake persona - we all do that to some degree, some more, some less...well, for them, the face-to-face is no longer enough - it too is just too fake. So where to go from there? The answer is simple:

More honesty about our selves is needed. More masks need to be taken off. Painful things about them must eventually be shared - there is no recourse, if they want to remain in recovery. It's just a natural process. Apparently, no change whatsoever happens in us without pain. It's gotta be hard to do, or it's cheap. And easy come, easy go. We are all here for changes that last, for a change.

Dov quotes brought to you courtesy of Gibbor120's Dov Quotes.

Thanks so much O'M for taking the time and effort to put all that together.

Unfortunately, I'm still not 100% clear. Here's my point. I have no problem speaking on the phone or meeting a fellow recoveree and sharing my full identity with him (try me). Because in the end I know more or less whom I'm sharing with. But I have a problem in a public forum, whether here or on the phone, where I do not know who is reading/listening, and it might be somebody real close who would figure me out, and I would not know that he knows my dark secrets... Why is that not a valid healthy concern?

MT

Welcome to the forum Amordechai,

What you said, "by trying to be more aware of my emotions and journaling on a regular basis," for me, has been a huge key to my recovery.

Keep on posting.

Good luck,

Elyah

Hello MT,

I've put a lot of thought into this Anonymity thing.

We need the safety to make sure our information does not leak to the outside world. That's why at meetings, and on a public forum, we shouldn't post our full names, addresses, phone numbers, and bank account numbers.

However, as we get to know each other in-person, as we know who is safe and who can be trusted, we can share our personal information. I have hosted GYE get-togethers in my house, and know many people's first and last names, phone numbers and addresses, and I even know some bank information for some friends in recovery, too.

Our problem is living a double life. Having a fake name doesn't help us get better in that respect. As long is your name is fairly generic "Avraham G," no matter what you post here (outside of your last name, address, and phone number), nobody is really going to ever figure out who you are (though everyone thinks they will be found out). OH NO! I WROTE THAT I LIVE IN A FRUM COMMUNITY! FOR SURE EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM NOW!!!

Furthermore, I have seen people on this forum, and quite a few of them, start to have issues with other people on this forum--much like in real-life relationships. The cure? Log-on with a new name. I have sometimes had the pleasant experience of being the minority opinion in a debate here only to find out that all the people I am debating against are all the same person! That made me feel deceived and taken advantage of, when here I am trying to offer some help. This forum, then, can become just another game.

In real life you can't just change your name and your face and solve all your problems. Either you escape, or you have to learn to deal with life.

So, using a real name on this forum, I think, helps a person feel more honest, and more of an obligation to be honest, about what they write here. Also, keeping one user name and sticking to it, as virtual as this forum is, I think helps a person start to build up healthy relationships on some level.

Another thing, I have found, is that it's okay to be yourself. Nobody REALLY cares. You're not going to die just because you wrote "Avraham," or whatever your name really is. And, for me, that has been very liberating.

Just my two cents worth.

--Elyah