Dear friends,

Over the past few decades I have analyzed many a fall to see how it is that I got ensnared once again, and once again… I think many of you can relate to this.

I found that there were basically 2 different approaches that the YH was using to get me.

One tactic was the power of ‘chiddush’. Even after I was resolved to be careful from what triggered me in the past, he would come up with a new flavor of a trigger that I have not encountered before, and that would engulf me until I was fried.

The second tactic was by simply ‘overpowering’ me. Without any new trigger, and sometimes without any trigger at all, he would just engulf me with a powerful urge until I would succumb.

Well, as we know, our last resort - or acually our first resort if we’re smart enough to realize - is to surrender our lust to Hashem and ask Him to fight our battle.

Actually, all the above is merumaz in Chazal (Kedushin 30b):

יצרו של אדם מתחדש עליו בכל יום ...
יצרו של אדם מתגבר עליו בכל יום ...
ואלמלא הקב"ה עוזרו אין יכול לו

I found a perfect piece of davening (in Shacharis) to daven for both of these tactics of the YH and give over the fight to Hashem:

כי הוא לבדו מרום וקדוש - For He alone is lofty and Holy
פועל גבורות - He’s in charge of the ‘power’
עושה חדשות - He’s in charge of the ‘chiddush’
בעל מלחמות - He’s in charge of the battles

May we merit to see the fulfillment of this tefilla, amen.

MT

Yeah, I used to think I needed to be constantly vigilant for ever newer and different forms of acting out. I felt like a juggler--just got "control" of one form of acting out, and then another one showed up. Then, I came up with all sorts of tactics for that, and then something new came along.

I was on the look-out for THIS certain situation, and then for THAT certain type of circumstances, and forever changing.

It was very liberating for me when I learned that LUST was the driving force behind it all--no matter how it played itself out. It's that primeordial lust I needed to be on the look-out for, and it is THAT force I needed to stay away from--not any specific types of behaviors. With that, it became much easier to recognize a struggle when it was approaching, and then to take rather GENERIC measures against LUST to stay in a safe place.

Does that make any sense?

--Elyah

Yes, makes lotta sense. In fact I was thinking lately that I would design a reminder to avoid "lust". It would be a circle with an "L" and a slash going through it (like the "P" for no parking. To an outsider it may look like an slanty arrow (pointing left-downward), but to me it would say "No Lust". Perhaps one of our savvy friends here can come up with such a creation.

MT

Hi MT,
here ya go
and for the uninitiated you can say it stand for
No Lizards,
No Logarithms,
No Loose lips (cause loose lips sink ships)

and a belated thanks for the beautiful divrei torah and chizuk you keep spreading

Thank so much ZS! I knew we had some gutteh neshomos around here that will rise to the task.

Is this heimish gemacht or you found it somewhere? Because I would like better an unobtrusive version that would look like an arrow. That means it would be all one solid color, the two parts of the "L" would be more symmetrical, and the outside corner of the "L" woud touch the inside wall of the circle.

Another option would be that the corner of the symmetrical "L" is in the center of the circle. So then it would look like a Hippie "peace" symbol facing the wrong direction.

(If my architecture sounds 'off the wall', maybe it is.)

Thanks again,

MT

I guess a naked person with the red line across them would just not be a great idea, would it? I'll run it by Guard.


Maybe not.


Thought somebody had to ask.... (there is always one in a crowd)

Depends how much the red line will cover.

MT

If anybody asks, just say the L stands for Latkes--no Latkes, you need a reminder cause you're trying to eat healthy.

OH, just thought of something better-- It's one of the environmentalist green-peace campaigns you're trying to get started. NO LITTERING.

Or, it's no LOITERING, for those public places where people have to just keep on moving on.

So, with a little creativity, you've got plenty of Alibis.

Frankly, I don't think anyone will really care. And, if they ask "hey, what's that for?" Just tell them, "He, I'm really not sure--that's weird!"

--Elyah

No Lemons
No Lions
No "like" Buttons

In yesterday’s Daf (Tamid 32a) we learn the following (based on the commentaries):

איזהו חכם הרואה את הנולד
Who is wise? He who anticipates upcoming pitfalls and is careful to avoid them.

איזהו גבור הכובש את יצרו
Who is strong? He who was presented with opportunity to sin and overcame his YH and did not sin.

איזהו עשיר השמח בחלקו
Who is rich? He who is satisfied with whatever Hashem gives him.

These three lessons can be applied to our struggle (talking to myself and those who relate). Generally, there are three steps to a nisayon: Before, during and after.

Before the nisayon we must be wise enough to anticipate and avoid triggering situations.

During the nisayon we must be strong enough (however your method) not to do the aveira.

After the nisayon we must be satisfied with the outcome, i.e. to rejoice with success, and to accept our lot and not despair if we failed.

Gut Shabbos,

MT

Dear friends,

…and yet one more source teaching us that we cannot fight the YH on our own.
We need to surrender to Hashem and ask for Him to deal with it.

The Story of Plaimo and the Satan (Kiddushin 81)

A fellow by the name Plaimo had a minhag that everyday he would say “An arrow in the eye of the Satan (aka YH)!” (i.e. he would fearlessly prepare himself to fight his YH). One day, it was Erev Yom Kippur, the Satan disguised himself as a poor beggar and knocked on Plaimo’s door. They brought him out a piece of bread. The beggar complained, “A day like today, everyone is sitting inside, and I am left outside?!” So they invited him in and sat him at the table. As he was sitting, he made himself appear to be full of unsightly open wounds that were oozing pus, and kept on doing disgusting things. They admonished him, “Sit like a Mentch!” He replied, “Give me a drink.” They gave him a drink. He brought up some gooey slime from within his chest and spat it into his cup. They yelled at him. He made himself appear as if he dropped dead. They started hearing voices that were exclaiming, “Plaimo killed a man! Plaimo killed a man!” Plaimo feared that the police are coming to get him, so he fled the city and hid in an outhouse. The Satan came after him (in disguise). Plaimo fell before him and surrendered to him. When the Satan saw that Plaimo is so distressed, he revealed himself to him. And he said to Plaimo, “Why have you accustomed yourself to curse me every day?” “What then should I have said to keep you from making me sin?”, asked Plaimo. The Satan replied, “You should have said, “May the Merciful one yell at the Satan.” The Gemara then continues to relate that R’ Chiya Bar Ashi would every day fall on his face and say, “May the Merciful one save me from the YH.”

May we be zocheh…

MT

Yasher koychachem, Reb MT.
That's a precious perl.
The idea of surrendering our struggles to G-d, Who then proceeds to restore you to sanity.

All the years I blamed the YH for my 'aveiros', I never got better. Apparently I could not stop. Apparently Hashem knew it, but I did not figure it out. Then I gave up, quit hiding, and got the help I really needed.

I love the story you quoted, for it is so powerful to me. This addiction works like the YH does. It is based on lies I tell myself. Lies like: I have the power to control my desires." And guess what: I may indeed possess that power!! But that is not the issue, and herein is the big lie:

When I used to want the power to 'control my 'YH' instead of let it control me', what I really meant by 'control' it, was to still be able to control and enjoy it. Not to have to give it up, but to master it. Like the implication of koveish es yitzro.

Maybe a regular Jew can master it. That's fine with me.

But I am not a regular good Jew, like most good Jews. I am good Jew who is also a sex and lust addict. My track record and pain of failure proves it to me. I wrote it all down after sufferring through it all those years, and I shared it with many (safe) people who know it all already. That helped me admit the truth to myself more fully. So now I know. Like Hashem does. A kortov of emess that would make the Kotzker smile. And I am sober, be"H. Am I a rosho? Maybe, maybe not. But Hashem helps resho'im get sober, too. He helps people who believe in all kinds of crazy things get sober, and many of them are still doing plenty of bad things....and I am still doing things wrong and not doing plenty of things right yet. (Hah! B"H he does not wait for any of us to become righteous before starting to help us to become righteous!) So?

So He is a higher power than I am, and restores me to sanity. And no sefer could tell me that. If the Torah wrote it out clearly (even with my name in it) I'd not really, really believe it in my own heart. And I doubt most of anybody reading this would really believe it, either, sorry. I only know it bilvovi - the only place it counts - because my own life experience has never been better than it is now. I have bad days, sure, and many problems, and I have lust, too. But I'd never trade my best day back in active addiction, with my very worst day sober, period.

And the naked people I love to use so much in the porn and my masturbation fantasies are all higher powers than I am, too. I have not had to use them for many years, b"H. They are higher powers that restore me to insanity. When I use them, I get into that trance, everything else - all my trouble and struggle of real life - eventually melts away. To act out or not to act out? - to sin or not to sin? Gevalt she's sweet! ...It becomes the focus of my awareness. Then they are gone after I finish the deed. Nu. But all along the way they always make me live like a crazy-person. Everyone else becomes a pain in my behind - especially my kids, and my wife. The closer they are to me, the darker they become...and Hashem darkest of all - when I am lusting. If this not a fire in my house, then what is?

Hope the arichus isn't too annoying, but I gotta point out as I usually do with Rav Amram Chasida (that's the one, right?):

He was a respected person - a talmid Chochom, apparently - when he had this experience. And yet he called out and embarrassed himself. Too many guys who need to quit and go to SA meetings, or post here and open up, or at least need to open up to somebody - do not do it. We are suddenly worried about chillul Hashem. Gevalt. Taking my os bris and masturbating myself to the picture of a shiksah in the bathroom is not a chillul Hashem - but being in a room of penitent perverts who really want to get better is? Such reasoning is a machloh. It's not shyness, and not frumkeit - it's really just so that we can keep our stash safe and keep on masturbating, that's all. It is very scary to let go - terrifying. I know it.

Hey, arichus enough...sheesh!

- Dov

dov wrote on 22 May 2012 18:26:


Here's a mekor for that:

מדרש תהלים (ל"ב) רבים מכאובים לרשע, לפי שלא תולה בטחונו בהקדוש ברוך הוא. והבוטח בה' חסד יסובבנו, ר' אלעזר בשם ר' אבא אמר אפילו רשע בוטח בה' חסד יסובבנהו.

(I guess you know what you're talkin' about.)

MT

מעשה נורא

My wife told me a story she heard yesterday.

This "choshive, heimishe" yingerman, from a choshive heimshe community, left kollel and started working for parnassah. He got himself a computer, and quickly learned what's available. When his wife was sleeping, he would routinely get up in middle of the night and have 'a good time'. One night, his wife awoke at 2:00AM and noticed her husband is not in bed. She went to check up and found him in the dining room, totally 'nahket' while enjoying himself on the computer. She raised a racket and (somehow) threw him out of the house - as is - and locked the door on him. He pleaded to please be allowed to just get dressed a bit, but she ignored him. Instead, she took her phone and called her parents and in-laws, and invited them to come and see what a 'תכשיט' of a yingerman they set her up with. Within a week or two they got divorced.

Hashem yishmoreinu!

וְהַנִּשְׁאָרִים יִשְׁמְעוּ וְיִרָאוּ וְלֹא יוסִפוּ לַעֲשׂוֹת עוֹד כַּדָּבָר הָרָע הַזֶּה בְּקִרְבֶּךָ

יהי רצון שלא נבוש בעולם הזה ולא נכלם בעולם הבא ולא נשוב לכסלה עוד

MT