Thanks for the chizzuk.

Glad to hear your's doing good, KOT.

Gmar vachasima tova.

first of all: KOL HAKAVOD!!!!
you are a real soldier! you never give up!
hashem doesn't only want we should win, he also wants we should put up the fight!

you're amazing!

just a suggestion:

not sure if have a filter on the computer, but it would help....

try to make a regular kevios to learn/scmooze with a friend - not only when ur about to fall - it makes one more relaxed and happy.

find a good activity to do when those moments come, maybe jogging (@ night the air is fresh ) or the like.

also, i really thing that (for those who didn't yet hit rock-bottom) a lot effort has to put, not only on how not to do etc., but also why i don't want to do, we need to really be honest why one shouldn't want this pleasure and its worth all the fighting etc.
you might get some ideas from reading through posts etc.
but you need to really feel why its really damaging and not worth it - despite the pleasure - for you!
it wont help if someone else things its not worth it,
nor if you understand why someone else things its not worth it.

So its been I dont know how many days anymore, maybe 40? I dont want to check but I have the date written down somewhere.

I need to post now because I just now finished actively pursuing some videos of pretty g***'s and even though it wasnt so immodest I was definetaly looking for pleasure.

So Thats it really, Im in the same boat as before in the sense that when I see something, If I dont nullify it right away by letting go of the lust (which is sometimes SOOOO hard) (eizeh 'sometimes'? alot of the times) then I get into "crave mode" and I Hate/have a really big pull towards that. I want to stop CRAVING is there such a thing? can I get back to normal level ever? When I dont look and I live life and do and accomplish Im great but if I get lazy and see something I get a craving mamish she'ein kamohu.

Anything else I should do now?

Shkoyach oylam
AKA
Thanks guys

Im still clean Baruch Hashem, doing great. This time Ive been making kabalot for all the things that trip me up for a week or two weeks.. A little bit more than I feel I can handle. Games suck me in and kill my schedule. no games for a month, My movies kabala was up saw a movie (pg but still had to watch my eyes) and now its back on another month, no magazines..

The main thing I wanted to share was this idea that when we make a kabbala it doesnt have to be. Or else, ___ Ill do x or else _______ .

If we can we can try making a kaballa because I am making a kabbala and im giving my word, MY WORD (bli neder) that I wont watch,play etc. and nothing too big of course

I just feel that the emphasis on a punishment takes away the zing of a kabala. The kabbala is because I SAID I WOULD DO IT. NOT because im afraid to pay x amount of dollars. (which of course it does help im not saying not v'haven)

Shavua Tov

Hi guys,

So I had a 40+clean streak fell and again 45+ day streak and fell again today. On the last day of chanuka I feel pretty freaking pathetic it happened so fast, couple days off Shmirat eiynayim low and before you know it I fell.
Im just looking for encouragement/ At the same time I dont want to feel better I have a feeling that feeling down/upset at myself makes it better.

JustKeepGoing wrote:


I'm no expert, but I dont think feeling down on yourself will make anything better in the long term. I am actually in a phase right now where I feel down on myself as a result of factors that are completely outside my control. Things people have unintentionally done which have somehow affected me...no need for details, but you can understand right? how that stinks?

As down as I feel, that isn't going to produce anything. Only negative energy which may lead to so much worse...

I am with you brother. Lusting is a byproduct of self pity and leads to further self-pity.
I am in the pits of a moment of seeking self-pity. In my humble opinion, that is a treacherous path...it's hard to avoid, but the goal of living a clean and joyful life isn't going to blossom from self pity and self indulgence.

I find myself most joyful when I tell myself the following things:

1. Everything, Everything, comes from Hashem.
2. I cannot indulge in self pity
3. I cannot manipulate my performance of mitzvot and avodat hashem. No cutting corners in how I do mitzvot and life my life as a jew. everything has to be done completely because that's how hashem want's it to be done. Cutting corners is a byproduct of me bringing myself into the picture and me determining what's the right (or easy) way to do the things hashem wants me to do. Not listening to what hashem wants.
4. I can't let my ego run my life. And anytime I feel my ego surfacing i have to pray to hashem to let it pass. Ego, narcissism, self-indulgence, etc. These expressions all lie dormant inside of me, and sometimes they'll try to surface. I cant beat these expressions to a pulp. I'm not strong enough, and my past has taught me this. No use spending another decade trying to prove my past wrong. Rather, I have to have faith in hashem that if I 'let go' when these things arise, and really let hashem into the picture...then it wont be as tough.
5. It's ok for me to be vulnerable. I can't be perfect and no one not even hashem expects me to be perfect. The funny thing is the moment I accept my vulnerability and lack of perfection, seems to be the moment when I am actually fulfilling ratzon hashem and reaching simchat hachayim...how is that possible!!!???. I can't say fully, but who cares. If that's what it takes to find joy then so be it.

When I go through these steps for myself, I find so much more joy in my life. On a day to day basis. Not in a look back at a month, year, etc. Mamash on a day to day basis. I could ask for no greater gift!

I hope you find your steps to be true to yourself and find the joy hashem wants you to have, despite the ego he created all of mankind with.

Hatzlachah!

JustKeepGoing wrote:


You are very smart. Beating yourself up is a way of saving your pride. And that's human. If you want to start acknowledging that you have a choice then a good behavior to choose at this low moment is to treat yourself like a valued guest. The point is not to be brazen, but just to stop beating yourself up because it's just a charade. Celebrate your 40-day streak.

Take a look around, the world is full of Jews who use porn regularly. The fact that you are struggling and that you went a whole forty days means that you deep down believe that the yetzer is too strong for you and that you deserve the worst punishment for violating your Master's word. That is a tremendous source of pride for Him. What kind of courage does it take to go up against an attacker who seems much stronger and hang your self-image on whether you succeed or not? It sounds like a whole lot of courage and dedication to me.

Most people get tired of the roller coaster after a while. Right now you secretly believe that the yetzer is too much for you, and you may have adopted some behaviors such as surrender, or davening, or extreme shmiras einaym, which help you much of the time but also reinforce this belief, because you watch yourself act like a person who needs help (as in maris ayin.) These behaviors are taken from the 12-step program, but they are not the program. The program is the program and only works reliably when done fully (meetings, sponsor, etc.) If you believe that the yetzer really is too strong, then it might be logical to try the 12-step program in its entirety. If you don't, then go in the opposite direction and try the cognitive method.

Sorry for not responding for about oh 2 months now? well anyways I was encouraged by your words. I am encouraged just thinking about this forum where the guys keep giving chizuk and advice to eachother. BARUCH HASHEM Ive been away from the computer for 2 months, If I remember correctly I fell 2 weeks after chanuka and took drastic measures to not fall again. That was basically limiting computer use to almost nothing and when I do with other people around, but really VERY little. Thank G-d Living life doing things accepting responsibilities and accomplishing takes my mind off these issues.
In regards to Stress that used to throw me over the edge, I read the book "As Long As I Live" and WOW what a chizuk. The end where he speaks about accepting responsility for ourselves and not allowing ourselves to fall into self-pity was HUGE for me and I think for anyone who will read it (maybe thats why its a best-seller) So I realized that in life I had been giving over the responsibility for my life and decisions to other people and of course even by this area of looking where I aint meant to I have accepted responsibility for myself.

Just looking to update all my friends over here. Have a Gutten Shabbos and a Freilichen Peerim. Im sorry that I havent been able to take more time to be there for other people and post on there topics, Its just a part of my fence. If you want you can PM me and Ill definetaly answer...when I read it...

If the olam has any advice for me on getting rid of selfishness That would be nice.

I missed you guys!

Really thank you to all the responses I reread some of them Broadlife Nederman Gevuara (in the im u sent me probably 2 months ago) Thank you!

Broadlife I liked what you wrote VERY much it was a nice summary of some very important ideas

JustKeepGoing wrote:


Missed you too! Welcome back!

I think Kuntress Hachessed in Michtav M'Eliyahu by Rav Dessler should be required reading for every Jew, and certainly any addict hoping to break free of selfishness. In English it's in Volume I of Strive for Truth, and titled "Giving and Taking, Essay on Lovingkindness." It is hard-hitting and just plain amazing.