Update:
- I realize that I constantly seek attention and approval, its hard to write this, but I find myself contemplating how to write posts in my thread in a style that gets me the most attention and sympathy. I feel absolutely PATHETIC and rotten when I think like that, and it really traces back to being so self-absorbed and selfish which makes me feel gross. I also don't want to turn everyone here into my personal psycologist also and I don't like complaining all the time, that also makes me feel gross.
That's why I've been hesitant to post.
Now although I think the above is true I still have hope that with the phone conferences I can learn the tools to overcome this. I've been in touch and I'm really really really looking forward to them.
I finally told my friend everything, I told him about GYE, the forum, phone conferences.(I told one other friend before but we didn't go into such detail but we did make a 50$ deal so now I have cash on the line as well). That was yesterday, I was on a high the rest of the day, just so HAPPY that I told him I spoke to a person, you really can't beat the "human element" even though I still think the anonymity of being online helped me open up about it in the first place. It was a key first step. And I think speaking it over with my friend was key step numero dos.
So..
Thank you everyone! I finally feel like I'm taking steps to getting better outside of myself. And I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to everyone here for making that possible.
Some vorts!
- we kill the animal a person was with, for the honor of the person that was with it! Imagine that a guy who has sunk so low as to be chayav mita! The Torah ensures that he be respected. The guy who fell that far the Torah is still machshiv him. So practically for us, no matter how far we fall we should try and appreciate that we have value.
- A person that holds his amah when he goes to the bathroom its as if he was machriv the olam. Q. Why? Not EVERY time a guy holds it when he goes he'll come to wasting? So why make it like a rule , that a guy like this will be machriv the olam? A. Maybe, its not the problem that he's touching his amah when he goes the problem is, if hes doing that then he must not be afraid to fall/ he doesn't have fences. In THAT case its a lost cause and he will fall.
Also another brutal confession is that when I see all the encouragement for people that fell, saying don't worry, "its no big deal" I feel like hey maybe I can have another fall its no big deal ill "justkeepgoing"....! Keeping my count of days and not wanting to start over helps me with that but I'm just saying that that's what flutters through my mind sometimes.
And now that I just un-loaded my kishkes to all of you- Thanks for reading!
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