B"H

my 'name' is Ezra & this is the first time in my life i am i a chat forum...

i was clean for over a  year (!) after a very strong decision to stop, but lately, mamash this week, i was caught again. what should i do?

Hi Ezra,

Welcome to the forum!
If you fell after a year of being clean, you might need to take things to the next level.
Besides for a "strong decision" not to stop, you probably need to take other action that will enable spiritual growth, not just abstinence.

If you came to this site, it could mean you kind of know what you have to do.  You have to realize you can't do it alone, that you need to build a community, a network, and/or a tribe of people who have the same struggle.

Whether or not you are an "addict' and as 'sick' as most people on this site will require a lot of discussion, we need to hear about you... "M'ayin, l'ayin".

But as a first step, getting on this site to start building your social support, to deal with the panic, sadness, etc of acting out, against deep seated values... well, hey, we've all been there done that, a few times, okay several hundred times... 

Where are you coming from and where do you want to go?

Welcome Ezra!

Click Here to learn all about this wonderful site and everything it has to offer you!
Great step you took by posting here, we hope you stick around and KOP [if you stick around you'll figure out what that means  ;) ].
Around here we all have the same story, our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

WELCOME! Read the materials, post on the forum.  It can be confusing at first, but stick around and you will grow!

Welcome to the forum.

Keep on posting!

Good luck to you.

--Elyah

I would speak to a rav or someone you are close to. It may be all you need at this point in time.

Hi Ezra!  Welcome!

Very impressive that you stayed "clean" for a year.

Could you elaborate more about how you did it, and what happened now?

KidusHashem makes an important point.  It's not enough for us to stay clean.  We need to do more.  We need to grow in certain areas to move further away from the addictive personality.  Read through the materials and see where you fit it.

Hatzlocha!
Alex

HUGE thank you to all of you guys- your messages made a difference. i am so not used to chat formus, that i went to a different one, by mistake.
all your messages gave me tons of chizuk.
i actually am growing BH in many areas, and that helps. i changed jobs & moved house (for a good reason BH).
i think my learing is lacking, and that is the key after all. i need more of the torah tavlin.
but the emotional support is very importnat for me, as well. I have no where else to turn. no way i would discuss it with my Rav... that would be the end  of our relationship, i think...(i may be wrong, though)

ezra ashbourne wrote on 07 Mar 2012 14:05:

I would wager that you are VERY wrong.  When I spoke to my Rav, he told me he gets calls every week on this issue.  I've been following the forum for a while and never got the impression that anyone's Rav ever "ended their relationship" because of it.  The Rav is there to help - no???

I'll second that. Also, if he can't handle it, he probably shouldn't be a rav or your rav.