BH

I have found this site and after just reading some of the guidebook, i have been clean for two weeks. I have been sunk in to this mess for as long as I can remember, even as much so as showing this stuff to my little brother when I myself was just in seventh grade. While I'm certain it wasn't an addiction then, I do know that when I bought my first personal laptop of my own, it quickly developed. Ive tried, to no avail to kick this Which is funny, Ive managed to cut back drinking and have completely quit smoking in the interim.

Lately, I have found myself making my schedules around "the activity" and it was making me crazy. I was doing at work, at home, on the road, wherever. And i found it harder and harder to satisfy myself. Recently I saw a couple of posts regarding kicking the addiction on news websites and message boards. I felt it was talking to me and visited this website.

It has been a rough two weeks. Truthfully, the first week was pretty easy, relatively, this last week has been amazingly difficult. I keep looking for excuses, or better yet, justifications. Or even better, I keep looking for something/someone to tell me thats its okay to do it, just now, just this once. Thats terrible!

I keep searching the message boards looking for posts saying thats its okay. I have slipped the last week, but Baruch Hashem have not fallen. I have stepped up learning every day, davening with  minyan which I wasn't doing before and speaking more with friends.

I need chizuk! I need people! But I don't know who I can turn to in real life. I'm afraid! I don't know what I would say. My father is a recovering Alcoholic, but it would kill him if I told him. Or would it? An uncle? a co-wroker? I don't know! Additionally, I'm so deadly scared of putting a filter o my comp as I'm afraid someone will see it and inquire as to why its there. What would I answer?!

So far i'm this two weeks clean. Without 12 step, just kabolos ol and the 90-day count. can it hold? I know I want it to, but I also know I wouldn't mind a fall, sadly! (Very sadly!)

Shalom to all my brothers in this with me. Looking to you for support, its not coming from anywhere else but Hakadosh baruch hu at this point!

Hi foxtrot, welcome to the forum!

I want to address 2 points in your post.

You say that you need people to talk to about your problem but you're afraid.
I think you should join one of the 12 step phone calls. I just got off such a call right now and it was amazing. You are dead on about the necessity of having people to speak to.

Secondly, sadly, I'm pretty sure that you will fall very hard unless you take some stronger steps right NOW in order to get back. I'll review your situation for you: this is the first time in a long time that you've been sober for any serious period of time and you're kind of tired of it right now and are looking for an excuse to act out. Let me tell you, been there done that. You're a ticking time bomb.

I would suggest that you immediately call someone who you can speak to anonymously and get chizuk. I am not the best man for the job but I will send you my # in pm so that you can call me if you like, because I think this is an emergency. I would also suggest you join a phone call group as soon as tomorrow.

KH

Welcome to the forum!
You made an amazing move, by posting and going on the charts.
Besides for finding someone here to talk to, which is integral.
May I suggest that instead of looking for justification (which you won't find here)
look at past posts either on the what works for me section or the wall of honor section where people post their "diary" of their own personal progress.
It may help shift your focus and actually give you some ways to continue the fight.
Much hatzlacha!

Shalom! And Welcome!
We're here for you, and are ready to offer a listening ear, support, and even muffins (virtual ones).

In a bygone era people would tell the newcomers KOT, which stands for Keep On Trucking.

What I like to tell newcomers is KOP, Keep On Posting.

Until I came here I didn't believe I can find support in this area, today I have a lot of wonderful close friends, who I got to know through these forums (and eventually in real life). So sit back, grab your keyboard [and tehillim, if you want] and let the recovery begin!

BH

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately I had a fall late last night. I feel bad about it but if you learn today's Tanya, it talks about moving forward! It was literally speaking to me.

Also, learned a sicha from the Rebbe this morning and it speaks of the many blessings of 22 Shevat. The rebbe says there are bro his u get today that I don't normally get, so embrace it! I know I intend to!

Looking to make more commitments as steps to move forward today on this great day of blessing.

Foxtrot wrote on 15 Feb 2012 04:25:

WELCOME!  You are in the right place. You are afraid to tell someone in real life, but I am telling you that is one of the BIG keys to recovery.  I have yet to find anyone post on this forum that they told someone and it was a big mistake.  All the posts I have read say it was a BIG relief and they should have done it sooner. 

That is my experience as well.  My wife found out first and it was hell for a while.  Again, as many have experienced, it turned out to be the biggest bracha!  We spoke with our rav and that was a big help.  You can't do this yourself.  You will need real help from real people.  The good news is that with their help, this struggle becomes sooooo much easier.

You say that your father is a recovering alcaholic.  He may be the perfect person to tell.  This is also an addiction and he may understand you better than you think.  Do you have a rav or rebbe that you trust?  Once you tell someone, a big weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

I have a couple links for you from dov.  You can click the "dov quotes" link in my signiture for a more of his quotes.

On Telling parents: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4695.msg131822#msg131822 .

The famous Captain Kirk post: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4109.msg111973#msg111973 .

Foxtrot wrote on 15 Feb 2012 04:25:


You'd say that practically every gadol in the world has said that to the extent that someone has access to the internet a filter (and an accountability partner) is a must, so I am just following my gedolim.  Lubavitch had an internet asifa in September ("Raising the Kedusha in Our Homes") so they are on board as well.  See here for a video from the asifa (www.chabad.info/index.php?url=article_en&id=24395)

Will that solve the problem?  I doubt it (but it is still a necessary step), because in addition to filtering our computers (and smart phones) we need to filter our minds, that is the way we think.  Stick around here, join a phone conference, (speak to your father) and you'll learn how to do that.  Much Hatzlacha

Foxtrot,
Welcome! I'm glad you're here and have started to share your struggle with us.
I have been where you are.  I am an addict.  I am addicted to lust in many forms.  Strongly and severely addicted.

Like you, I knew that fighting for a clean streak would end in failure.  It always did.  I also knew the fall would be inevitable, hoped for it actually, so I could be released from the tension of fighting and enjoy the sweetness of wallowing in lust, lustful thoughts, lustful images, and sex with myself.  And then I hated myself for it.  And the cycle repeated.  It's a cycle.  It's length may vary, but it's just the same cycle.

What's different now?  Now you know it's an addiction.  That's a great potential starting point for real change.  But if you're going to just know it's an addiction, and communicate with fellow addicts, that's not a recovery plan.  It doesn't address YOU and YOUR addiction, your situation.  To know and not do is not to know.

What am I talking about?  I'm talking about recovery.  As addicts, we can't fight lust, at least not for very long.  Gritting our teeth and tightening our abs is not recovery.  Recovery means I admit I am an addict.  This means I am powerless over lust.  Which means I will humbly do whatever it takes to avoid it.  While I'm still inspired.  I'm going to put that filter on my computer no matter who thinks what.  I'm going to avoid looking at women in all settings.  I'm going to daven every time a lustful image or thought tries to land on my brain.  I'm going to learn about what real recovery means, whether by reading about the 12 steps or joining a live or phone group.

Do keep posting here.  I hope you'll stick with us all the way to sobriety.  Feel free to post on other's threads too, sharing your insights and giving chizuk.  We all need it.

Alex

hello foxtrot,
my story is pretty similar, struggling many years and just now starting a turnabout in GYE. i also am brand new here, i barely understand how the system works. were starting together, but this isnt a race, i hope we both finish first!
(p. s. i also have fallen after joining, it seems its a groing experience. and i think thats a good thing)
mifatfait biyitzro

There is no "system" just a bunch of recovering people trying to help each other out.  Welcome!

Welcome brother Foxtrot!
Glad you can join us. It looks like you undertook this journey right bout Yud Shvat (no?) and then fell 22 shvat. Totally understandable. Last Gimmel Tammuz I made the firmest resolution yet to stop with this nonsense only to be back in porning and mast***ing on Yud-Beis Tammuz. Then I made a very strong resolution on 17 of Tammuz, and had a three-day porn and mast... binge before Rosh Chodesh Av. And I've been doing this for the last 25+ years...
And then I found this website! It's been over six months now, and I get daily urges to watch porn and touch myself, but with G-d's help, and by using the tools available on this website and beyond (think Sexaholics Anonymous) I've been able to stay clean. I plan on staying clean today. I'll let you know tomorrow what my plans for tomorrow are, but for today I intend to use every tool at my disposal to stay clean.
Read the handbooks, pick a workable strategy, and then WORK it. Hama'ase hu hoIkkar.
Recovery must be active to be sustainable.
As for a filter, it is a pure tachabulois haYetzer to think you need a justification to install it. Not having a filter in this day and age is like having a pet mountain lion who is never leashed. It's crazy and irresponsible, and that's what you tell anyone who asks. But I assure you that the only one asking this question is your Yetzer, everyone else understands that we must have filtered internet access.
Welcome again,
Mottel

BH

Thanks everyone. I will be reading what you wrote again and taking it all to heart. I do think I will spill the beans to dad. Do you think its a matter of sooner-than-later in regards to telling him? He'll be visiting me in 3 weeks, and I could tell him then. Is in person better? If its before that it would be over the phone.

Also, what are peoples experiences with therapists? Are they useful? I can't really afford it but I'd like to explore the idea?

I would think that in person is better.  But that's just my opinion.  I don't think there is a right or wrong answer.

I've been to shrinks. All the solutions (therapists, 12 steps, meetings, calls) have the same agenda and goal: to change who you are. They just go about it differently. They are all successful in varying degrees.
Choose one or more of the methods, preferably the one with the best success rate (probably 12 steps calls/live meetings which is also pretty much free).
I'm sorry you fell last night but you need to know that you have no chance of getting back up for any serious length of time unless you take some kind of action.
It's not possible to break free of addiction on your own. You are and addict.
At the very least, try the taphsic method and start reading the 12 steps now. Call someone on the forum. There are tons of people who would be willing to talk to you.
Speaking to your dad will be very helpful but that might not happen for a while and it's important to share with people who can fully relate to your problem (ie share the same addiction).

Keep up the good work!

KH

Hello Foxtrot (and Mifatfait too). 

I'm writing to you 'jointly' since you both just started posting, and as mifatfait said, you're in about the same situation in terms of newly finding GuardYourEyes and this special community of Jewish lust addicts.  You'll notice that most of the people who have responded to you are "Sr. members", so I thought it might be helpful if I could respond to you with a fellow Newbie perspective -  I only found this site and community about a month ago.  I wanted to try and put all the great advice that you've already received into  a bit of a priority.  First - accept my disclaimer that I'm no expert by any means, and this is from my own growing awareness of the lust addiction reality and recovery after struggling desperately with really serious lust issues for over 20 years.  So this is my opinion and nothing more, but hopefully helps.  I'll write 'you' below to try and motivate you, but i really mean 'i'.  here goes:

1. 'You' need to admit that you are addicted to your lust.  You need to come to realize that you will always have this lust addiction that is strong and could easily get out of control.  You will not get better with mussar and tehsuva.  the only way to get better is to throw yourself into Lust Addiction recovery. 

2. Hashem has blessed you that you have found GYE.  This is a community of frum Jews who a share this terrible secret and have found the right place to learn about and practice Recovery hishtadlus and really care about helping each other. Post and read a lot.  Make this your web destination!  You can tell the truth here to fellow Yidden who understand, care, and have similar struggles.

3. There are a lot of possible Recovery steps and actions.  I recommend starting with reading the Attitude Handbook here on this site.  It is awesome and puts this lust/sex addiction into a framework that makes sense for your otherwise healthy Torah perspective.  Once you really start believing that you are addicted to lust, then you can start to take seriously some of the Recovery Steps.

4. Recovery needs to be your top priority.  Make sure to do something for your Recovery every day!  Definitely get filters on all pcs and phones that you have access to. figure out your 'trigger points' and change that routine.  Look down, away, close your eyes from seeing women.  RECOVERY is your most important thing.  its always on!  Read the Tools Handbook on GYE.  There are many more tools that  I am leaving out for now, but you can get a bigger list easily, and many have already been mentioned.

5. Your lust addiction  gives you an opportunity to get closer to Hashem, and more thankful, and healthily humble.  Start by accepting that you can only stop 'acting out' with Hashem's help, by being really honest with yourself (and us), and by thinking and acting RECOVERY.  RECOVERY means you know you will alway be a lust addict, but you change yourself and many habits so that its much less likely that you'll act out.  Try not to worry/ get upset about acting out.  Focus much more on doing all these things as positive steps to grow.  One day at a time, just do the Recovery actions today.  IY"H you'll see miracles that you  would not have believed earlier. Really.

6. Live People.  This Forum is great, you start to feel close to people even if its only through writing.  Certainly live calls, and/or meetings make a ton of sense.  For Foxtrot - I personally think based on advice I've received - be careful telling family /friends, i.e. your Dad.  There may be complications there.  'Safest' to go with fellow sex/lust addicts like us!  so just be careful with the unknowns of telling your Dad.  This should be about your Recovery, judge through that prism, and please G-d don't make a tension in your relationship.

Well - I'm kind of running out gas for now.  Hope this helps, at least to motivate you to jump right in with a Recovery attitude and Recovery Action Plan everyday!  I'll be looking at your posts to see your progress, and Happy to talk directly if you want to PM me anytime.

Welcome aboard.  I care about you and am rooting for you!

Be Matzliach!

Have2changeNOW