Hello GYE. My first name is Mifatfait, my last name is Biyitzro. And I'm serious. The Gr"a (יונה ד,ג) and R' Tzadok (צדקת הצדיק אות מט) write that one can recognize his mission in life from his hardest struggles, it is to perfect his hardest middah that he was born. This is my name and purpose, to win this battle. But it's really hard, and i haven't yet always been succesfull.
For 7 years iv'e been stumbling with mastur. etc., b"h the real bad internet and the porn iv'e been protected from by the natural safeguards of our community. I don't feel like i'm leading a double life, and maybe in some ways iv'e grown from the nisayon even though i have far from concuered it. I think I even have already learned from my rabbeim and from seforim most of the attidudes in the handbook. But I still need lots of help.
I cant grow to a proper talmid chochom when i am so "torud biyitzri", i'm internally distracted and cant keep sedorim.  i b"h have a beuatifull marriage, but my dear wife suffers tremendously when i'm sad and irritable, she desperately needs me to always be there for her completely. And most important, what am I going to tell Hashem, I have to leave this now and do complete teshuvah!
Until i saw GYE, i didn't fathom that this is an addiction that i must be weaned from, only now i understand why the same nisyonos all my friends can handle with ease - for me sometimes seem unsurmountable. I'm an addict. Hard core. And ive got to stop now, before it gets worse and i fall to porn and worse. Right away when I saw the website i started 90 days, i hoped with my new perspectives i would quickly demolish the addiction. But after 25 days of Gan Eden i fell again. So now I'm starting to participate in these forums, I want so much not to be alone in my strruggle, to hear from others in my situation, and maybe one day to also help. Today i will be"h sign up on the 90 day chart, and give GYE all iv'e got.
Please tell me what you think, guys.

welcome mefatfait to the journey.I have learnt so much about myself and life through stuggling with this addiction.if you do not look at internet how do you get your material to masterbate?

mifatfait wrote on 13 Feb 2012 13:11:


I, too, had tremendous difficulty with constant intrusive thoughts.  I found that davening as soon as I detected the thoughts was helpful.  Every time they came.  Even several times the same minute if that's what it took.  Entertaining fantasies destroys my mind and sabotages my recovery.  Here's the tefila I use:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."


mifatfait wrote on 13 Feb 2012 13:11:


Yes.  This addiction takes us away emotionally from those we love.  In recovery, we learn to repair these relationships.  Be very kind and sensitive to your wife.  Moodiness is selfish, and selfishness is a hallmark of the addicted personality.

Read Garden of Peace by R' Shalom Arush.  If you read it a while ago, read it again.

When you are intimate with your wife, try to be there with her 100%.  Keep it real.  Don't allow your mind to wander.  Focus on bonding with her, connecting with her, giving to her, appreciating her.


mifatfait wrote on 13 Feb 2012 13:11:


Nothing doing friend.  No weaning.  Cold Turkey.  Extreme shmiras eynayim in all settings.  No women.  Not in stores, not in newspapers, not in junk mail.  Not their faces, not their shoes, not their pretty polished nails.  Don't even check out your own wife outside the bedroom.  (You can look at her face any time.)  You must cut off the drug (Lust) completely and immediately.  The other major source of the drug is fantasy, which I addressed above.  The third source of the drug is in the bedroom.  This is a more subtle form, and it's all about where your mind is b'shaas maaseh.

Welcome!

Alex

WELCOME mifatfait, you are in the right place.  Stick around and you will grow here.

mifatfait, I'm really touched by your story and your earnestness to become clean and get over this.
I'm happy that you've realized you need help because otherwise, you would not get it. This disease is very humbling and when you get on board and start dealing with it seriously, you will not just be changing your actions, you will be changing who you are and you will become a much better person all around.
Welcome to the forum!

Hello again GYE. Thank you so much to everone for responding, I can't describe the optimism I feel from being able to hear and talk about this.
For mechazek's question, the world we live in is so full of inapropriate material, every magazine and every street corner can be triggering. Thanks so much for the welcome, and thanks to kidushashem and gibor 120 too.
Alexeliezer. thank you so much for all your advice, i really appreciate. I looked at many of your other posts, and i really enjoyed your perspective on the whole thing, i can't wait to hear more of the practical lessons youve learned from experience. (i especially liked your approch on the thread you started that the only מעכב is the first step because thats the bottom line starting point - to admit were addicted to something stronger than us. I have lots of thoughts about this, maybe I should write there? (I dont really know how internet forums work).
what you said "no weaning.... cold turkey...." is really great, this is a point ive been struggling with. in the GYE  handbook their is a tool of "cutting down", I really never understoon the idea, it seems you also feel the attitude is to jump away completely (in the 90 day section i wrote and you responded about this.) your really right. i have to be zealosly carefull with my eyes everywhere, even at home. i feel even physically how intimacy real and fullfilling only when i'm focused on her and not on my תאוה (one day i want to sign on the marrieds forum).
I cant wait to hear your responses.

Mifatfait,

Sounds like you're processing a load of information.  There is certainly a lot of information on this site and sometimes it can be overwhelming.  That's why it's important to keep sight of the basics, and a basic tenet of recovery is complete abstinence.  Another basic idea is to take things one day at a time.

So keep your thread alive, post chizuk and insights on other's threads, and do a little reading every day.  And a lot of davening.  Because only Hashem can restore us to sanity.

Alex

Alex and everyone,
Thanks so much for the wise response, I really am feeling overwhelmed and maybe a bit confused about the priorities. You're right, I gotta go one step at a time and start with the basics.
So today I spent a solid few hours trying to put all the things I read together a little more. I made 2 lists, one of the things for starters and one of the things I don’t think I should concentrate on at this point, either cause I feel it's not for me or cause I don’t yet understand it.

Things for now:
1. "Extreme Shmiras Einaim in all settings" (alex), to give it all iv'e got for complete abstinence from the  drug, in the street and at home (except for the real connection, even then not as the lust but as a tool for genuine closeness)
2. Learn and experience "one day at a time" (always hard for me but crucial, I posted on Wall of Honor about this and really gained from the 2 responses)
3. Accteptance and understanding of the addiction through reading the stuff and internalizing (is inner illness which needs treatment and cure at the root not just the outer symptoms etc.),  thinking and learning and reminding about the necessity and urgency of getting completely off and out – now, can't continue on this way.
4. Participating in the forums to get out of my closed self (white book: step 0 of the 12 steps)
5. Regular exercise (has always helped)
6. Signed up on 90 day chart, my plan for success is working on all the above, this is a tool to break the pattern בעזהי"ת forever and to flip the neurons.

Not for now, maybe later?:
The "letting go" idea
The 12 steps all the way
The phone conferences
The Taphsik method
All the other stuff.

Well, that’s what I've been thinking. I maybe have too many things or the wrong ones for me, I don’t know. I thought to add a "link" to the Mesilas Yesharim's mashal to the maze (הגן המבוכה) that the only way to learn the way out of the ways is to listen to those who have already done it before and follow their way. That’s what so cool about this forum, I"m still in the maze and I can ask and hear from all those who have made it through.

Please tell me everyone what you feel is the starting basics, I can't wait for replies. Any other basic stuff I should concentrate on? Everything I've learned till now has been on the מלחמת היצר in general how to live and grow, only now am I learning the "get out of addiction" idea.

mifatfait wrote on 16 Feb 2012 22:44:

Open up to a real person, at least on the phone.  You need "real" relationships.  Virtual ones will only take you so far.

Hi Mifatfait,

I certainly don't want to add to your 'overwhelming' info, but I'm a newbie also and responded to you last night on foxtrot's thread about how to prioritize.  in case you didn't see that - I'm pasting a condensed version for you here.  Big Picture - relax - you made it to home base!  You'll figure it out.

This is my opinion and nothing more, but hopefully helps.  I'll write 'you' below to try and motivate you, but i really mean 'i'.  here goes on suggested way to prioritize:

1. 'You' need to admit that you are addicted to your lust.  You need to come to realize that you will always have this lust addiction that is strong and could easily get out of control.  You will not get better with mussar and teshuva.  the only way to get better is to throw yourself into Lust Addiction recovery.

2. Hashem has blessed you that you have found GYE.  We all share your terrible secret in our own way.  you have found the right place to learn about and practice Recovery hishtadlus.  We really care about helping each other. Post and read a lot.  Make this your web destination!  You can tell the truth here to fellow Yidden who understand, care, and have similar struggles.

3. There are a lot of possible Recovery steps and actions.  I recommend starting with reading the Attitude Handbook here on this site.  It is awesome and puts this lust/sex addiction into a framework that makes sense for your otherwise healthy Torah perspective.  Once you really start believing that you are addicted to lust, then you can start to take seriously some of the Recovery Steps.

4. Recovery needs to be your top priority.  Make sure to do something for your Recovery every day!  Definitely get filters on all pcs and phones that you have access to. figure out your 'trigger points' and change that routine.  Look down, away, close your eyes from seeing women.  Quick simple Davening to Hashem throughout the day, asking for help!  RECOVERY is your most important thing.  its always on!  Read the Tools Handbook on GYE.  There are many more tools that  I am leaving out for now, but you can get a bigger list easily, and many have already been mentioned.

5. Your lust addiction  gives you an opportunity to get closer to Hashem, and more thankful, and healthily humble.  Start by accepting that you can only stop 'acting out' with Hashem's help, by being really honest with yourself (and us), and by thinking and acting RECOVERY.  RECOVERY means you know you will always be a lust addict, but you change yourself and many habits so that its much less likely that you'll act out.  Try not to worry/ get upset about acting out.  Focus much more on doing all these things as positive steps to grow.  One day at a time, just do the Recovery actions today.  IY"H you'll see miracles that you  would not have believed earlier. Really.

6. Live People.  This Forum is great, you start to feel close to people even if its only through writing.  Certainly live calls, and/or meetings make a ton of sense. 

Mifatfait - Hope this helps, at least to motivate you to jump right in with a Recovery attitude and Recovery Action Plan everyday! Take it a few steps at time.  easy to read and post.  FILTERS.  LOOK AWAY FROM WOMEN.

I'll be looking at your posts to see your progress, and Happy to talk directly if you want to PM me anytime.

Welcome aboard.  We all care about you and am rooting for you!

Be Matzliach!

Have2changeNOW

Shavua Tov mifatfait! 

How are you doing?  Did you start to take a simple path? - just deepen your belief that you are really addicted - and then keep doing some steps in Recovery.  Reading the Attitude Handbook is really helpful - and POST more.  And get away form all your triggers as much as possible.  Daven! It will help!

Let us know what's going on!

Be Matzlaich

Have2changeNOW

Hi guys. Im back. Gotta run, cant explain, hopefully later will have timr to write. But i really like posting and listening, see ya later chevra.

OK. i'm back. i havent posted for 5 days, because over shabbos i realized that i've gotta slow down. last week was pretty tough, which is a shame for someone with such a good support group, but i really was getting buried to deep in all the new info. i'm an intense type of guy, it's important for me not to get too exited about things too quickly. in the white book it says that HALT (hurried, angry, lonely, tired) is dangerous for the addict.  i decided to post once or twice a week to talk and ask and hear, and in between to leave space to digest calmly. so far its working, this week has been clean, and altough its only a week (i've done much more in the past), i feel like i'm working on the actual issue like never before, growing more and more - one day at a time. maybe later on i'll be able to post more often w/o getting too distracted.
i cant wait to hear feedback, maybe someone else also feels/felt that way?
either way, thanks for all the responses, thats a good point that a real relationship goes way further, but like i said, one step at a time. right? you know, maybe "one step at a time" is a close cousin to "one day at a time", both hard for us addicts - but really important.
in the meanwhile: hard core shmiras einayim, experiencing the wonderfull world of the present, learning and living to be an addict, connecting on the forums, and the other stuff i mentioned on my last post. and from the responses here i'll add reading good the attitude book and some real heartfelt davening (although i think this naturally follows from understanding that i'm an addict?) thank you "have to change now" and "gibbor120".
tell me guys, i understand that the literature is mainly the Big Book, the 12&12, and the White Book. Where is the best place to start reading, I thought maybe 12&12 cause it seems really clear and is addressing the general ideas and attitudes of addiction.

Read what speaks to you.  Just keep doing something.

Everyone here needs to find their own path, and uses the tools and forum in their own way.
Personally, I didn't post on the forum until I was 2 years into recovery.  I should have, though.  I think I would have learned and grown more if I had stayed plugged in.  Oh well.  I'm here now.

Good to hear all your work.  When I know someone's doing that much work, I know he'll be seeing sobriety.
It's a major lifestyle change for us.  But before we get overwhelmed, don't forget we only need to be sober one day at a time.

Rock on!

Thanks, Alex. (you know, you write really well)