Hi,

I am a 34 year old orthodox male living in a modern jewish community.  I am desperately trying to break a porn addiction that is slowly drowning me pshycologically.  I was very happy to have chanced upon this site.

I welcome any advice possible. My wife has caught me before, but I keep on relapsing into the addiction, I don't inform her mainly b/c i am ashamed of my lack of control.

I have tried some CBT therapy, but did not exactly go well. I have spent thousands of dollars on this addiction, and am using money that could be going to my family (yeshiva, etc.).

Please help, never thought i would be in this situation.

Welcome.  Someone will be along shortly with coffee and a danish(in a virtual setting of course) and the official welcome package.
i hope from your thread title that you have found true what many of us have also found to be true, namely we can't break our addiction.  We are powerless over lust in its many forms.  This doesn't mean we are hopeless, just that we are ready to start recovery.  Look around, read through our stories, see how much we are like you and see how we have found recovery, everything is here for you including us. 
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Dear 34 yr old

You can do it, but it takes a full effort and you need help from Hashem!  I have struggled for many years with porn addiction and worse.  Also in a modern orthodox community. I just recently really admitted to myself that I'm a lust addict, and that I need to throw myself into this community and all the steps - such as read the Attitude and Tools Handbook, get on the chizuk list, read the 12 steps, filters on your computer and cell phone, post more and you are likely to receive friendly, loving advice from a range of Jewish lust addicts who want to help you.

I'm copying the welcome package below - highly recommend you jump right in if you are serious about making some changes in your life.  It seems like the links didn't work on my my cut and paste - but all the items listed are easy to find on the GuardYourEyes website.

Be matzliach! 

Have2changeNow


Dear "34 year old married with 3 kids and can't break porn addiction",

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of
sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions.

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.

The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software"

such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily

Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE

Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here
« Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 05:02:26 PM by Eye.nonymous »

WELCOME levian!  You are among friends.  People on this site come from different backgrounds and are different ages etc, but we all share a common problem.  Being part of a "community" is really helpful.  Read through the stuff on this site.  Keep in touch on the forum.  Connecting with people is one of the most powerful ways to break free of lust.

Keep in touch my friend!

Welcome Levian !

I had a severe p**n addiction for decades, always trying to beat it, swearing it off, always falling back into it.  As Chaimyakov said, this isn't something we can break.  Which is why coming to this site was the turning point for me.  For the first time I understood that I wasn't just a huge baal taiva.  I had an addiction  A taiva we can break.  An addiction we must recover from.  I am still an addict.  I haven't broken anything.  But I haven't looked at p**n, masturbated, or entertained lewd thoughts (outside the bedroom) for almost three years.

You've taken a big step in admitting you are addicted.  Addiction means you can't stop on your own.  Which means you are powerless over lust.  You don't fight something you are powerless over.  Your only hope is to avoid it entirely.

How?  First, cut yourself off completely from the drug (lust).  There are two basic ways our brains get high on the lust drug (acutally there are three).  The first is visually, the second is through lustful thoughts, fantasies, whether they be memories of images or scenarios, or whatever.

Cut out the visual source of the drug with bulletproof shmiras eynayim.  This means you will not allow yourself to look at any woman other than your wife unless absolutely necessary for business.  Not their faces, not their hair, not their nails, not their shoes.  Not live, not on billboards, not on TV, not in movies, not in newspapers, not on news websites.

Extreme?  Yes.  It has to be.  Because the slightest sip feeds the habit and poisons your recovery.  Don't even check out your own wife unless for immediate tachlis.  (You can enjoy her face and eyes anytime.)  I also recommend avoiding kol isha because this, too, gets us thinking about women.

RIGHT NOW, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE THAN YOUR RECOVERY.

If there is a particular computer you are using for your habit, treat it like a diseased prostitute.  Don't be alone with it when you wife is not around or sleeping.  Approach it with the extreme caution it deserves.  Don't surf clean sites.  Stay off the net completely.  If you have business to do or important email, schedule it for when your wife is around and do it where she can see the screen.

The next area to cut off the drug is fantasy thoughts.  For this you will need tefila.  What worked for me was davening immediately, as soon as I detected a sexual thought trying to land on my brain.  Even about my wife.  I would repeat the tefila each and every time a thought approached.  Dozens of times a day.  I still say it today.  Here's the nusach I use:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."

Try to internalize what you are saying.  These are the steps that will put you into recovery.  There will still be plenty of work to do once you stop lusting.  Study the 12 steps to learn more.

Hope this gets you launched to a quick start into recovery.

One more thing.  Take it one day at a time.  One nisayon at a time.  One right decision at a time.

Hatzlocha!
Alex

Welcome, chaver!

You are so not alone, chaver. Welcome!

Whatever you want to do, you will be matzliach as long as you keep taking this seriously and actually behave that way by taking real, new, action and continuing toi take healthy action....even after you start getting better, iy"H. Your reaching out here is so tremendous to people here, because giving up on ourselves is not an option for us, either.

Hatzlocha!!

Welcome! Browse the website and learn a bit from the handbooks everyday. Your immediate goal is to have a nice long clean streak and refresh your Neshama. Your long term goal is to change yourself. The changing never stops, we are constantly striving to become better and better people. But as you change, slowly, you will marvel at how beautiful life is. You'll get back your senses and you'll become happy. It's just around the corner! Just take things one day at a time. Don't live today for tomorrow. Live today for the sake of today and don't run away from the present anymore. I'm looking forward to watching you grow!

bruchim haboyim