Hi, First time poster here. I'm a Baal Teshuva, 26 year old learning in yeshiva in Jerusalem, have been frum for a few years but only made it to yeshiva last summer.
Despite my having been with women in college, I've very reluctant to date a girl who's been in serious relationship (aka had sex) before becoming religious, so basically, most BT girls.

I realize that I might be hypocritical, but I really don't want to marry a girl with a sexual history. When I think about how serious the act of intimacy is, and how previous relationship really leave a scar on your soul, psychology, etc, I think that it with would be very hard for me to want to marry someone with such a history.

Is this normal? Am I allowed to feel this way? Am I obsessed with this?

I'd probably rather marry someone raised "modern orthodox" and compromise a little bit religiously, than marry a girl who who is very frum now, but has a sexual history.
Are FFB girls my only option at this point?

26yrold, welcome.  Your post makes no reference to any sort of lust addiction that you may suffer from.  Certainly the fact that you may have had sex prior to becoming frum does not suggest that you have any particular lust issue.  I would say that the question you've raised would be best discussed with your Rov or Rosh Hayeshiva who would be able to quide you.  If you in fact have a lust issue/addiction then you've come to the right place, but I would venture to say whether you marry or virgin or not is not the biggest of your problems.  Probably smarter to start with the GYE in a nutshell found here: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/ebooks/Nutshell%20July2011.pdf
Once again welcome and hatzlacha

While I fully agree with UAJ that your question has no place here, I would just like to point out one thing.  Sex, while an important part of a marriage is not the most important thing by far. So to rule out potential shidduchim just because you feel that they may have a lacking in the area of sex (A lacking that you yourself have) seems silly.

But even according to your logic, would it be fair to have a girl with no sexual history marry you? An important part of getting married is learning to think about your spouse rather then only about yourself.

Dear 26yo,

If you did not get my Personal Message (PM), let me know here and I'll post what I wrote you , thanks.

Hi Dov,
Thanks for the quick reply. I can assure you I did not use the word "virgin" to be vulgar or get attention; in fact I didn't know that people would find it offensive. Nonetheless I changed the word.

Thanks for the advice, best of luck with everything.

Now you're talking. Good choice of words - and more to the point, too.

Continued hatzlocha.

What did u think of the PM, though? The 'unfairness' issue...make sense to you?

ur-a-jew wrote on 18 Jan 2012 22:41:


while his post may not be directly related to the forum, he's probably asking here because its sorta related and he's uncomfortable asking his rov.  (same reason im here...) 

is there someone who is the 'rov'/counselor of the forum that people like us could ask questions to?  if not there should be, and there should be another sticky with the info.  i bet there would be a big demand for someone with daas torah to anonymously ask sheilos to. 


to 26yo - no, ffb's are not your only option. many bt's became frum before they had relations, whether because they became frum at a young age or because they didnt for other reasons.  whether you should be looking for that specifically is another issue, which depends on why you want it.  if youre afraid of std's, they can get tested.

also, i think your view that most BT's will have previously had relations is problematic.  i dont think thats necessarily the case at all, and this could be indicative of misplaced views about women.  im not going to say based on one statement that you look down on women (or non-religious ones, anyway) but i think you should definitely evaluate yourself and see if that might be the case.  If it is, you need to work on that, its not a proper view, and will affect your marriage one you do imy''h find the right bashert.

While I agree a forum Rov would be a good idea, I think the people who are far along in their recovery are more likely to be able to answer questions because they'll have a better understanding of where you're coming from. Halomed m'kol adam....Just a thought.....

NeiroYair wrote on 23 Jan 2012 03:39:


well, that would be good for things specifically related to the site, but the more i think about it, i bet theres a lot of people who would welcome the opportunity to be able to ask ANY sheilo anonymously, even something like kashrus related.  (perhaps theyre embarassed to admit to their rov they made a mistake?)  while thats not as likely a situation where someone would want to ask anonymously, i bet there are plenty of ones where they would.  if the creators of this site want to keep it just for this topic, someone could still make another site for this, something like AskASheilo.com or something like that.  now that ive thought of the idea (which occured in passing) id do it myself if i had the time/resources/connections necessary. 

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1997

I wish people would ask the shaila: "dear rabbi, how do I stop masturbating so much?"

Of course, as long as asking the question in person is off limits, the problem is not serious enough, so the answer will not be taken seriously enough. It can't. Sorry, but this boils down to Capt. Kirk again....

TehillimZugger wrote on 24 Jan 2012 13:43:


thanks, i knew i had too good of an idea for it not to have been done already.  interesting that none of them came up when i googled 'ask a sheilo', though...

Also, there are call-in numbers to ask anonymous shailos. But most shailos are not necessarily black and white and may depend on the situations of the person asking them, which would alter to answer to your specific needs/situations in many cases. So while it is around, I wouldn't get too used to the idea. I wish I could have a little Rebbi in my pocket. Life would be so much smoother!! 

My 26-year old friend,

It's very commendable that you want to start your future marriage in such a holy way.  You no doubt realize the potential kedusha and dveykus that can be achieved through marriage, including the marital act.

But let me ask you:  That she took neveylos, treifos, tmeyos and basar bchalav into her body before she became frum doesn't bother you.  That she was mechalel Shabbos and ate chametz on Pesach isn't an issue.  That she went to church with her best friend a few times is not a problem.  Why is this one "scar on her soul" all you are concerned about?

She will marry you and devote her life completely to you.  She has forgotten about her "experience."  She doesn't think about it.  Women don't dwell on these things the way we do (unless she was forced).  In the bedroom she will be 100% with YOU and YOU ALONE.  Every time.

Remember too, marriage and marital relations are about giving.  Your focus in the bedroom (and the rest of the house for that matter) is what you are giving to her.  Not what she is or is not giving to you.

Hashem is in charge of who we marry.  He knows exactly who is best for us.  No woman comes with guarantees.  No woman is perfect.

You don't control her.  And you wouldn't control her any more if she were inexperienced on your wedding day.

Are you obsessing?
Have I given you food for thought?

Hatzlocha!

Alex

Well said AE!