I grew up secular and pgam ha bris and pornography were considered normal.  While becoming frum I learned of the issurs and over a period a few years ended the behavior.  I was clean for six or seven years.  A few years ago I underwent a period of extreme stress and psychic pain and reverted to the old behaviors.  For the last few years I've been trying to get back ontrack and I can't seem to get over the hump.  I've read the GYE literature and daily emails and they all make sense and help, but when I'm in pain or under alot of stress I revert to old behaviors.  The fantasizing and assur thoughts is what I really have a hard time with.  I've been fighting very hard for a couple of years now and sometimes feel at a loss. Now that I'm frum it especially tears me up because I know what's involved spiritually.  I'm in so much pain from other issues that sometimes the fantasizing is my only escape.  I know what it's like to be free of this, and having lost that I feel like a failure and sometimes, doomed to ghenim, chas v'shalom. 

WELCOME yhoshua!  The fact that you want to be free of this is the biggest proof that you are anything but a failure.  Feeling "lost" and "a failure" are tools of the yetzer hara.  If you are sincerely trying, you are a BIG SUCCESS. 

You are committed to working on this issue, and that's all that you can do.  Keep reading, posting, etc.  It can take time to figure out what tools work best for you, but keep at it and you will find your derech.  Many, many people have found their way out.  You can too. 

We're glad to have you aboard!  Keep us posted.

Thanks Gibbor, I've got to work on staying positive.  I'm never sure though if I'm being too hard or too easy on myself.  It's hard to tell sometimes from what the sforim and Rabbayim say.

If you struggle with perfectionism, I would highly recommend reading/listening to Dr Sorotzkin.  He opened my eyes.  www.drsorotzkin.com/ .  Most people here are too hard on themselves. 

Letting go of unrealistic expectations and being happy with who I am helps a lot.  The other thing that helps me a lot is talking to people with the same problem. 

Shalom Yhoshua!

  Even though you may have gone several years.....thinking that it was no longer there......and then BAM, surprise. And why now, you can not seem to throw it off?

I had a similar situation. I had about 7 years once of no thoughts of the "old days". But, when the time comes in a persons life, Difficulties, Resentments, Fears of what will be, Discontentment with your life.... your nervous system in trying to help itself ease the pain, will bring back "long forgotten" memories. Those strong urges and desires for lust in order to counter and numb out the pain.

  Fighting we have found out does not work. So, what's the opposite? Surrending. You may wish to look into joining a 12 step program. This is the only thing that I "ME" a lust addict found to work. Listen in and join one of the 12 step phone calls and learn a different approach to stop lusting....just for today.

The 12 steps may be the answer.  I might just have to get worked up (or sink, chas v'shalom, low enough) to take the plunge.

Hi yhoshua,

yhoshua wrote on 11 Dec 2011 20:33:


Maybe try not to think of it as a plunge.  But just a little exploring.  How about checking it out.  No commitments, no pressures, no expectations, just listening in for a while.  See if it's for you. Nice and easy.  Easy does it.

Much success. You can do this.

  Try to lighten up and understand that being frum has absolutely nothing to do with this illness. Trying to be "frummer" will not help either but usually only make it more difficult. 
    The most important outlook which will lead to sobriety is that you are dealing with a disease, an addictive illness, and therefore it is not an issue of frumkeit. And, I can tell you first hand, that the remorse and guilt that you will feed yourself by turning this into a religious issue, will only feed your emotional pain which is already using it's old pain reliever back up....LUST.
  One important piece of knowledge that I can share with you, from the 12 steps, is that you do not have to be sexually clean for the rest of your life!
    But rather... "Just For Today"
P.S. for "me" I was able to see cleary that the 12 steps are helping me  to really live like a frum erlicher yid....from the inside out instead of many of us..."frum" from the outside-in.   

Thanks for all the support everyone.  Moshe's point about lightening up really hits home.  For whatever reason I think I do lack some perspective.  Allot of times if I have a fall I feel as if it negates everything else I may have done good.  I definetely do have issues with perfectionism as one of the chevra pointed out.  Maybe this forum is a way to ease into a 12 step program.Thanks again.

One of the most important points brought out in the 12 steps is that:

Becoming sober is a Process. There is NO perfection, AND, there is ONLY today. Yesterday (what I did ) has nothing to do with Today....it start anew. I constantly need to remind myself that I am in a process.

I'd like to listen in to a 12 step phone conference. The thing is, is that money by me is very tight right now and if I go over the minutes on my cell phone I get slammed.  I do, however, have unlimited cell to cell minutes.  Is there anyway I could listen in and have it "billed" to my cell?  How does it work?  I just call a specific number at a specific time?

just wandering ... do you have night and weekends free?

yhoshua-
I feel like you're right where you need to be to start recovering. You obviously recognize that there is a problem. You should also know that there is a solution, because you've been clean before.
Some on here are recommending a 12 step program, and thats my recommendation as well. I would never say that 12 steps are the only way. I just know that it has worked for myself and millions of other people.

If you have the desire and willingness to make a change, you will. Practice picking up that phone and calling supports! If you don't have a solid support base start reaching out. You need to make dialing that phone a habit... that way when things start to go south its your first reaction without even thinking about it.

Just know that there is hope, and there is a solution. You never have to feel this way again!

Gai
http://www.sobernation.com