I have been on GYE for awhile now but never posted before.

I have been involved in P&M basically since the internet came out.  I grew up in a frum home but was exposed to Movies, books and other less than wholesome outlets.  Once the internet was available I was hooked on P and never really gave much thought to the evils of it or M for that matter.

Once I got married though I had a sense that I needed to stop but was too self absorbed in being important both professionally and jewishly to think that a small matter like shmiras habris could be important - after all I had work to do - busy changing the world professionally, doing kiruv and many other "noble" activites.  I was one person on the outside and another when I had time alone with the computer.

Pretty soon however, my wife caught me in the act via the computer and I had a lot of explaining to do . I remember during the explaining I was still not entirely honest with her and not letting her on to the full extent of the problem.  As it often goes after a couple of days I was right back at the computer doing what I shouldn't have been. 

This continued like this for 4-5 years of our marriage.  After the birth of one of our kids and a long post birth niddah period things got particularly bad and after getting caught once again my wife laid down the law - see a rav or counselor or else.  Ironically, every time I "feel" I always told myself that its no big deal - I can stop when I want if I really wanted to .  Classic Addict lying to himself and beliveing that its all up to him. 

I saw the Rav and bared my story - completely ( or at least mostly) - we had some good discussions and it was helpful for a time but within a few weeks I was partly back and then all the way back to where I had been previously.  The only difference was now I tried harder to cover my tracks and with the invent of laptop computers it became easier. 
All along I was the frum Jew on the outside - excelling at work and in the community and even giving shiurim etc.. but no one knew the truth about where my thoughts lay.

This patterns continued - with ocassional bursts ( a few weeks) of clean behavior - mostly during Elul and Yomim Noraim but no significant change.
As I progressed professionally I started to notice that around the times when things were particularly bad from P&M I started having lots of "bad luck" at work and at home - subconsciously I knew Hashem was sending me a message but I couldn't face the music and would blame others - especially my wife for my failures.

Needless to say my intimate life with my wife suffered from all of this in more ways that I can explain - predominately becuase I always saw the time that we spent together - as what was coming to me - What I deserved rather than what I could give to her. 

In the last two years some very heplful rabbanim especially Rav Shalom Arush and the Garden of Peace have helped me to understand how vital it is that I put and end to this addiction - or at least start to treat it with more respect .  To that end - Baruch Hashem I have maintained some extended periods of clean behavoir on the order of months rather than weeks.  I can't tell you what a difference it is to feel "clean" and have the monster that is the addiction hidden away somewhere.  Unfortuantely, becuase I haven't kept my wife up to date on my failures I couldn't enjoy with her my successes but I think she has sensed the difference.  One very heplful comment that one of the Rabbim gave me was

[b]Even if your wife doesnt know what you have been or have not been doing  Hashem will make it clear as day in your face and she will sense it
This is 100% true and I think would help any addict to realize how much his wife knows even if they are not directly informed.

The one critical mistake in this recovery that I made was thinking that as long as I didn't look at "real P" I was ok.  Looking at facebook pictures or questionable You Tube videos was ok because there was no real nudity- WRONG - just triggering yourself over and over again even on a " low level" just sets you up for failure. More importantly your mind is on the gutter even if your are not actually swimming in it.

Of course these "low level" offences set me up for the big fall and I almost knew it was coming - but now - I think becuase Hashem expected more of me - the fall manifested itself in every aspect of my life - professionally I suffered - financially I " all of the sudden"  found myself in overdraft.  And the worst and most humbling I found myself unable to "perform" in the bedroom.
My wife realized that this could only mean one thing.  My embarassment was so great and yet I almost went down the path to solve my issues with pills and bandaids (literally) rather than treating the source of the problem. 

My brilliant wife said to me - Hashem is sending you a message do you really want to ignore it by taking a pill and pretending you didn't hear the sirens ??
Then I went to shul for mincha - as I turned on the radio on the way home the news station had an interview with a psychologist about how some people think that all of life's problems can be solved with a "pill" = Wow - Hashem is speaking to me I thought !!!

The I realized some important things
1. Allthough I had not reached rock bottom I was getting close
2. There way no way I could "solve this problem on my own.
3. No other challenge in my life was as important as this one - nothing - no professional - nothing
4. Hashem loves me so much he gives me direct messages and gentle knocks on the door when I step out of line - I am so lucky to be sitting in his beautiful succcah of Shechinah !!!!
5. There is nothing about quitting an addiction that can be part-way - just like alchol or smoking - one cigarette or one drink is WAY too many no matter what the alchol content might be !
6. My life had reached a watershed - either I was going to live it the right way or I was going to flush it down sink

I pray I can keep the faith and emunah that has guided me this far and keep the deamon buried - I know it will always be there and that I am truly an addict - but I also know that hashem loves me and wants me to succeed

may we all be zoceh to live life as it was meant to be lived !!!!

aamallen I can relate to almost everything you've written (perhaps the only difference being that my wife never caught me in the act), but she certainly sensed something was amiss.  Since you've been on GYE for a while, I'm sure you realize that you've come to the right place.  Coming out and posting will certainly make it easier.
Knowledge that Hashem loves you is a very important factor to helping one stay clean, but as I am sure you can appreciate when things get tough that knowledge alone doesn't always help.  What additional steps are you taking to make this stop different from the tens and tens of previous attempts to stop?
Looking forward to hearing from you since you appear to have alot to share.  Hatzlacha

WELCOME aamallen, nice to "hear" from you. 

It sounds like you're ready to really work on this.

Shalom,

  It sounds to me that you are well on your way! Are you are very experienced with you addiction and I can relate to every word that you wrote. 
  Our addiction is not about acting out with Master.....but rather the need for lust. It is our bodies craving for lust, and looking for any way to get it.  I myself was once very clean for many months, and then when my neruons began to send me signals, "lust will feel so good, so soothing to my self inflicted nervous system", I went to You tube, just as you did. Yes, you tube has a committment not to allow nudity. So, I went there and looked at so many covered up bodies.....covered up with 4 band aids...total. I was in so much pain, that I was willing to allow You tube, to define what was considered nudity. And, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. But, I didn't want to admit it to myself until I finished. But, really, this has nothing to do with you tube. My problem was not going to you tube, or bube tube or any other tube. It started when the thought of "wanting" to go there came into my short circuited brain.
      The first step is honesty. To be totally honest with your feelings. And, it appears that Hashem has possibly brought your wife into the picture, to help you retain honesty. The fact that she is still with you is a very good sign that she has the strength to be by your side and wants tko help you. I don't know enough about you and your situation, but you may wish to show your wife the section on the forum for women who have spouses like ourselves.
  I personally, sit each day in front of a computer where I have the "secret" code to the filter. I realize that I cannot tolerate lust, and that it will kill me. So, I must choose each day life or death. When I feel that I just may be wanting lust, I must make phone calls to people like us. To share my feelings and to get the "secret" out of my brain. The secret of what I am feeling and thinking of doing. This addiction lives and thrives in secrecy, in the dark recessess of our brains. Getting it out into the open changes the situation immediately. Your posting here, is the beginning of "letting that secret out". Because if you keep it hidden in that dark sealed box, this must lead to acting out.

hatzlacha rabah

--aamallen,

Shalom and Welcome. YOur store is so familiar to me it sound like my own in many ways. Hang around here, Post away. share your feelings, thoughts, laughs and chulent ideas. We are here for you and together we can continue through this life long battle.

[b] --Moshe "ME" great to c u!

Aamallen,
Welcome to the crew!
Your story is precious.  It is also quite common.  Sharing it gives us all chizuk.
I hope you'll use the tools you find here to finally give up lust and start living real, 24/7.
Alex

Wow, the things you wrote which hit me the hardest:

aamallen wrote on 01 Dec 2011 16:29:


My what beauty. You are such a fortunate mentch! What you write is full of diamonds far more beautiful to me than any mussar shmooze could be. This is real experience rather than just well-meaning. Y'karah hee mipninim.

My tefillah for you, chaver, is that you continue to grow in the things you have been given as gifts through your bitter experience thus far. If you use this gift as a 'bank account',c"v, you can draw from it for some time safely....but it will eventually run out.

If there is any value at all to me remembering that I am an addict even though I be clean, it is that accepting that allows me to accept that I really need to keep swimming in the things that got me sober in the first place: honesty, openness, and willingness. Getting caught helps us get willing, open, and honest. Staying in recovery-living allows us to stay willing, open, and honest. I hope we never again need the humiliation in order to choose humility.

I believe we deserve to live life as it was meant to be lived, too!!

wow! i was feeling weak so i came to check out GYE and saw your post, it really gave me chizzuck i need!

Hazlocha you will succeed !

wow, what an amazing story this...

I am really brand new here and was just looking around at the forum and came across this post. I like, yourself have had a very similar experience. I am now 26 and married, albeit only for 9 months now. I became addicted to P and M when I was only 12 years old My older sister (weird I know) had shown me some P, and that was the beginning of a very slippery and downward slope. The addiction got worse and worse as time went by....

I had managed to get a grip (sort of) when I started working but that soon didnt help anymore and I found that this had literally taken over my life. I don't think there was a day that went by without some sort of thought or "acting out". when I was still dating i used to think to myself that I was really a bad guy, who would want to date a guy if they were doing such horrible stuff... I actually got quite sick at one point in my life and thought it was from stress, I used to get sick all the time and for a young and fit guy - this was kind of worrying for me I remember going for therapy and opening up just a little bit about my problem. My therapist a jewish (but not frum) lady had told me that it wasn't SUCH an problem and that is was normal, her opninon was that it is an issue that ALL young frum guys go through (specially when married and their wives find out) and a matter that the Rabonim never addressed. Unfortunately this was possibly the worst advice I could have been given - I started to justify why this was OK and that it was perfectly normal behavior and I shouldn't worry too much. Being the aware yid that I am, deep down I knew that although this may be a "normal" thing to do, as a Torah Jew, I knew that Hashem expected more from me.

I got married and thought that these things wouldn't be so much of a challenge for me and at first this appeared to be the case and then after a few months, I started again with the  P and M. Before we were married, I had told my wife that I used to M and she was ok with that... She is really very naive and innocent and an absolutely amazing Eishes Chayil, however I knew how bad it was. some time into our marriage, i had told her what I head learned about how bad this sin was and she begged me to please stop. I told her that it was very difficult and that men's drives are far more complicated than she could imagine but told her that I would try. I still continued - thinking that I could overcome this on my own and that it wasn't a problem, but I would make commitment after commitment to myself that I would stop and NOTHING ever helped. I found myself trying harder and harder and harder but I could not control it.

(un)FORTUNATELY the proverbial hit the fan one day when my wife asked if I had been good. I cannot lie, even though I knew she would be upset at me and told her that I hadn't. I saw her face and could not believe what I had done - I think the term is hitting the bottom while still somewhat on top. She could not sleep that night and I felt ill the next day I had to leave early to go to shachris and we didn't have a chance to even talk about it. I knew she was devastated and she wouldn't talk to me. I didn't know what to do. Finally I told her that I would go and speak to a good friend and a previous teacher about it. I was so nervous and felt so bad BUT I am so happy that I went to speak to him. He completely understood where I was coming from and said that he didn't have enough experience to deal with this himself but had a psychologist friend that he would chat to. He came back to me and told me have a look at the gaurdyoureyes website. I have BH been clean since and that was a little under a month ago.

I am still unsure if I have managed to stay clean because I really want to connect to Hashem and my wife in the best way possible (as there are still times that I have put myself into unnecessary challenging situations) or whether I am just a little bit lazy and because I have taken some precautions eg, blocking my internet with filters and deleting my browser on my phone it hasnt been an issue for me yet.

I know and understand that this challenge is not simply about not "acting out" but far more about internalizing what we really want as opposed to removing our self from something we don't want. There is a BIG difference between the 2, but I feel that I cannot bring myself to a closer connection with Hashem until I have in some way removed myself from the sin and evil.

I still haven't found a good alternative that I could occupy myself with when I have that urge to "act out" and am just praying that I can stay clean one day at a time.

Thank you all for your amazing ability to step forward noticing that you have been making an error, acknowledging that you have a problem and that it can fixed with time and some effort and that you can only get better each day.

WELCOME ANB!  Your story is shared by many.  I admire your being open and willing to get help.  Stick around, you will grow here.

ANB
thanks for reading my post it gives me chizuk just to know that you identified with my story
one day at a time is really important
BUT you have to move towards Hashem ( I think) in positive ways to prevent the enivtable "fall"
try the Garden of Peace by Sholom Arush it has really helped me
good luck and thanks again

Thanks AAmallen.

I have heard about that book. the garden of peace. Ill try and get a hold of it. TG iv been strong and been doing great the last few weeks, and hopefully will keep it up.

keep up the good work and remember to use this opportunity to connect to Hashem.

Dear ANB,

You wrote:

A_new_begining wrote on 12 Dec 2011 14:09:

I have looked at your posts and see that this is what exactly I am going through.  You are so right the low porn (no nudity but everything explicit) I can not stop.  I have to have my daily fix, what can I do?  I feel so helpless with this.

You are not alone. So, what will you do with that now? That's the question....