Kol hakavod for posting !!
As someone who has just gotten up the courage to post - I know how hard it is to step into the water and "expose" yourself
but... It gives so much chizuk just to read that others are reading and benefitting from your post - so keep it up

Also if you have never had a clean month don't let that get you down - today is the first day of the rest of your life and you need to take it day by day

However with the power also comes responsibility - if you take things day by day or with baby steps as Dov writes it means that every day you take one of those baby steps - the best way to loose your clean streak is to forget about the problem even for a day - its when your tired and feeling like you deserve a "rest" that the YH is at his strongest
when you hear the words - just a few minutes and then you'll go back to being good you know you need to run as fast as you can ( figuratively ) away from wherever you are

keep up the good work and remember - one day at a time - for the positives and the responsibility

32 days now.  Hashem Yisborach helped me out throughout yesterday to make it through.  Looking back now, i can see at least once when He helped that i was  unaware of at the time.  B'derech She'hadam rosei lelech.... 
i need his help today more than most days.  From my past, i know that Erev Shabbos is a time that the yh works even harder to snare me.  he likes me to enter the holiest days downtrodden and feeling worthless.  Most of the time i was able (lucky) to get by on my own.  Not anymore, i have my best "friend" Hashem Yisborach along for the battle.  When that miserable yh knocks on my door i will ask my "friend" to go see who is there.  HE will handle it for me.  A Gut Shabbos to all and much hatzlacha in all things GOOD!
chaimyakov

KOT, KOP.  Keep on Truckin. Keep on Posting.  We're here for you chabibi.

good shabbos reb chaim yakov,
thanks for sharing that, you give me chizuk

Awesome stuff!
Have a great Shabbos!

Help!
my next step is SA meetings, online and live but....
i don't know which yetzer is making the following argument.
i am afraid that if i go to an SA meeting the fires will be stoked by those there and the stories they share and my castle of cards will come tumbling down.
What have you found to be the case?
Do i wait until i have more days under my belt (34 and climbing) or do i go headlong into battle?
Thank you for your help.
chaimyakov

As for me myself personally (and a belated welcome to you, chaver) SA meetings are invaluable. The stories they share may be far away from my life, but they are not so far away from my reality. But the most important thing is the stories I share.
You do need to ask yourself though, if you really are an addict who needs 12-step program to recover. It's a life-long commitment, and it's not for faint-hearted.
But then again, you've come here so you are brave...

first, 36 days and climbing(double chai)

second,  i met with my real life in person Rav last night and he has personal knowledge/involvement with SA and says i should go.  so that will be my next move.

It is hard for me to deal with me now.  i am an admitted liar so i can't trust myself to tell the truth anymore.  i have to constantly analyze everything to see if it is true or not.  It was easier before when i tricked myself to trust me.

i am putting together my list of things i must do before i jump off the next cliff without a parachute (as recommended in the handbook).  How do i get a number or numbers of someone to call?

Thanks,
chaimyakov

There is a hotline www.guardureyes.com/GUE/hotline/Hotline.asp .  You can also "meet" people here on the forum.  If there's someone in particular you are interested in speaking to, send them a PM and ask for their number.  If you do attend meetings, you will certainly have people to speak to.

I hope this helps.

Hatzlacha Rabbah!  You seem to be moving in the right direction.

50 days today and climbing one day at a time.  yh is plugging away with his latest tactic, one simple question, "Are you sure you are an addict?"  After all you have quit for 50 days, no methadone, no hospitalization, no therapist etc. 
What do you guys think?
i know you need more info.....

i remember seeing magazines when i was 8 years old maybe even younger and part of a video at the home of a friend.  i grew up in a house where i heard it said to me and others "if you aren't playing with yourself then you aren't normal!"  Discovered m**n around 13 and began spending a lot of time in the bathroom.  Never had a wet dream until after i was married so i was working the "relief valve" plenty in those days.  Several times i was able to m**e in study hall inconspicuously (i thought) while gazing at a girl.  Sometime after high school i bought my first video, then another and another....Became observant and later got married at 27 and mostly kept up my old habits though i threw away ALL my mags and videos by then.  Looking back now, i can see that it is clearly a lust problem because i no longer had my old friends in print or on the screen but that didn't stop me.  We spent our first year in Israel learning and even in yeshivah in the Holy City, Yerushalayim, i did not stop though my longest clean streak until now was probably then.  After we returned to the USA, i was given a computer by my shver and discovered the ease of finding images.  i work in a frum environment(Klei Kodesh) and have ready access to the internet which i must have for my work.  i tried filters before but the software between my ears wasn't right so i always could find my way around the filters.  The fear of getting caught and losing my job, losing my standing in the community, losing my wife, my kids, my Olam HaBah never kept me away.  Because of the office layout i could even m**e while others were in the office.  Usually once i finished i was done, rarely going back for more though i might return several days in a row.  i first tried to get help when i was becoming observant and the advice i kept getting was "You need to get married and everything will be fine." No help.  i had the opportunity to speak with one of the Gedolim seven or more years ago and he told me to get rid of the internet.  No help.  i approached my Rav 3-4 years ago and he told me "You are going to have failures along the way."  No help.  i approached him again this past Simchas Torah and he said we would meet.  No help.  i found GYE by "accident" while on TheYeshivaWorld.com and i have found help.  i have installed filters with Guard's help, accountability software with the Rosh Kollel as contact(my wife doesn't use the computer, even so i wouldn't use her at this point anyway) and stayed in touch here as much as possible.  Ironically, off the computer and outside of my mind i have maintained a hypocrisy for many years that my Shmiras Einayim is superb on the streets, in stores, no movies,no tv, no beach in warm weather, no coed gyms.  Done rambling for now, i need to get back to work(parnasah) and leave soon to daven.
Thanks for listening(reading).
chaimyakov

Great story.  Guard is the best there is for this stuff.
Sounds like you're going to win this time.
And yes, the Y"H will always have new tactics.
He's just doing his job of making you great.
Shteig on!

I can relate to much of what you wrote.  A lot of what you wrote certainly sounds like addictive behavior.  I think SA says something like, if you want to stop, but can't - you are an addict.  I suppose if you "can" - you aren't an addict.  It is possible for an addict to have clean periods though.  I went for months being clean, but always returned to my old habits, and my "need" got progressively worse.  I needed a higher and higher "dosage".  I needed it more often and "better" material so to speak.

You can look at the dov quotes in my signiture line.  I just posted something he wrote about addiction.

Eye.nonymous also posted something recently about addiction.  There is a 20 question test here www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4870.msg128620#msg128620 .

Hatzlacha!

Gibbor120,
Thanks.  i scored 11 out of 20.  Like i have said before the yh is crafty but he sure isn't so smart.
chaimyakov

ps i went back and took the test again a bit more honestly and scored 12

Still Trucking B'chasdei HASHEM.  58 days and climbing (albeit with white knuckles)
Last night we had family over for dinner and Chanukah fun.  It was great but my 19 year old niece (Not Yet Frum) in modest American fashion was too much for me to handle alone. i couldn't look at her without leering, i wasn't going to act out but i was afraid of what was behind the door.  i isolated myself, first at the table with everyone there by just staring at the food and the table, then after benthing i remained in the dinning room staring at the neiros and ran out as early as i could for a chevrusa.  i turned it over to HASHEM repeatedly (still).  As i have posted before, i have maintained shmiras einayim in public venues for years very successfully.  The computer at work is now "Guarded" but i was caught unprepared in my home to deal with the lust.  No, i am still stubbornly not 12 stepping. 
2 questions:
1) Anyone who has success without 12 steps - does this sort of challenge ever disappear?
2) With 12 steps - how does some one in recovery view this event?  Is it like a mosquito buzzing around your head or is it still like a Kamikaze pilot aimed right at you?
Stubbornly wishing you all Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

I've had similar situations with various not frum family members.  It's tougher when it's in my own home, which is supposed to be my safe haven.  But as I've learned, even my own home isn't a place I can let my guard down.  There's always my own wife, whom I try not to "check out" willy nilly.

I'm not a die-hard 12-stepper, but I did read through the steps, worked them on my own in my own way, and B"H have had success.  Your vigilant shmiras eynayim is actually part of the steps.  You realize that you are powerless over lust, and are therefore avoiding getting it fired up by not looking.

I post this a lot.  It's a tefila that I use when lustful thoughts or situations come up.  It's kind of a condensed 12-steps.  In addition to being a tefila that works, it has helped me internalize an attitude and technique that is very helpful.  It's easier than white-knuckling, which always failed eventually.

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."

The rest of the steps are more about undoing the damage caused by a life of addiction (IMHO).