Hey everyone, I'm new here but I've been struggling with my addiction to lust since I was about 11 or 12 years old. I think my story is very typical but I'll tell it anyway. I remember trying to quit back when the habit first started and it would bring me to tears because I felt guilty. I wasn't really religious or anything but I had been told that watching porn was wrong and I definitely felt bad about what I was doing. I remember becoming suicidal at one point but eventually I stopped caring so much and simply accepted my behavior as normal. From there, I habitually used lust to escape from problems in school and just about any uncomfortable feeling or situation. It got much worse when I got my own laptop and started acting out while watching videos online. On top of that, I had also gotten in some fights and after getting jumped, I became very bitter and I began to fantasize a lot about revenge. My whole life began to revolve around playing video games, watching p**n and lifting weights. This lifestyle turned me into a very depressed and angry person and I would often fantasize about getting myself killed so I could end my miserable life. It got to the point where I would ask G-d to end my life and let me sleep forever (I was raised catholic so I thought death better than eternal torture). I felt that I just couldn't deal with life anymore and I was in college at the time so the thought of having to work to sustain my existence seemed like torture. Why would I want to study hard and work my whole life just to sustain something that I did not want? Despite this, I still got decent grades but there was a semester where I got so depressed that I neglected my classes and failed almost all of them. Eventually though, I came across a church who showed me that the importance of the Ten Commandments, including the Sabbath. Reading their articles motivated me to break my habits and so I've been struggling to quit ever since. It's been about 2 years now and I definitely have seen major improvements in my ability to deal with life. I no longer feel anywhere near as depressed as I used to and I find it so much easier to enjoy things unlike before. I'm a lot more thankful for everything G-d has blessed me with but I'm still not satisfied with my progress. I know I won't be happy until I completely overcome this habit but I've recently fallen from a 31 day streak. I think violating my conscious for so long has got me feeling more distant from G-d but I'm still willing to quit despite feeling so far from Him.

WELCOME!  Thanks for sharing that!  There's a lot to grow from here.  You will too!  Here's the official welcome package.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
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GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
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Welcome Player1 !
We welcome people of all faiths who sincerely want to overcome this.
It sounds like you're pretty addicted (as I was).  The most effective approach is to treat this like the addiction that it is.

It sounds like you have solid willpower, as evidenced by a 31-day streak.  So you should do very well.  The trick is redirecting your willpower to letting go of lust, letting G-d take control of your addiction.  Read the 12 steps if you haven't.  You may also want to consider joining a live SA group near you.

Best of luck,
Alex

Dear Player1,

You wrote that you were "raised Catholic". Do you have a religious denomination or faith tradition that you feel you are a part of now?

- Dov