Hello. I’m new guy. I’m really amazed at the support and positivity I’ve seen here so far. It’s really a place of healing.
I’d like to give you my history as brief as possible, and I’m hoping that I can get a diagnosis from you guys. I’m early 30’s with some kids. I grew up raised by a balas teshuva mother, in a home with tv. My dad left early gradeschool. Both my parents have bipolar disorder. Dad had little to do with me while I went to a yeshivish cheder…

Needless to say I didn’t fit in well with jeans and t-shirt in a sea of white an black.
I did very well in yeshivah highschool… My first contact with M, was when I found a p mag high up on a shelf when Pesach cleaning, I was about 12. Since then I had problems, in high school too. But nothing I would think out of “normal” psychological range.

After I flipped out (I'm bipolar too- surprise), I ended up staying at my dad’s, who wasn’t frum. Over the course of those five years (age 16-21) I did a lot of women chasing… towards the end I got a hold of real p movies on video, and a bit of pics on the net (net like it is now!). But I also went to massage places, at least once a month, depending on whether I could get with a real girl… I even paid for sex a number of times.. thank God I don’t have any diseases. (Dor Yeshorim would tell me.)

I had a relationship with a girl I met at a massage parlor, and when my mom found out (she didn’t know she was a massage girl, but she was older than me, and quite the shiksa) she pressed the rabbis where I was to get me out of there and to yeshivah (I’m obviously oversimplifying the story… I’m focusing on the lust history here, not my “Baal teshuva” story)… When I was in yeshiva, I didn’t M for 4 years until I was married.. (barring once when I was engaged). In the 8 years I’ve been married I M’d abot 4 times. One at the beginning when I was feeling very depressed, A couple when I had a big crisis, and one recently…

After my recent depressive episode my wife wasn’t (it has changed a bit) willing to have relations. (She has her own psychological issue with sex. She's told me and different therapists that even if I was a totally normal healthy guy, she'd still have issues.) I was very hurt and angry, especially since I’ve made so much progress in all areas, I got work in the morning and afternoon, I don’t sleep life away etc… So this is my reward. I started looking at other women on the street all the time. This was not where I was before that in shmiras eynayim... I was usually very careful. As a bachur I always took off my glasses in the city. (I'm blind without them.)

For a while I had to work in the city, and there was a lot to see. Finally, my wife had the internet moved out of the house (we have a filter, it hadn’t been a problem). I told her to hook up k-9, and I have old history with her not listening when I ask her to do something on the compy… Well, sure enough she didn’t listen. I was mad. So when it was my work time, I took a look at real P, not just some cheesy youtube thing. I felt pretty crappy about myself.

The next day I put the dang k-9 on myself, and made her change the password in front of me… Now I found out that won’t help because it’s probably my address where the forgot password goes to- can’t remember. So that was well b-4 yom kippur, and I haven’t done that since then, and it’s been better with the wife, but I still have the urge just to look at women. I had my wife up the home filter, so there shouldn’t be anything seriously “skinny” but, there's those pics on facebook of who other people are following, you know? blah blah…      The question is, with this type of history does it sound like I have an actual lust addiction, or is it still within the realm of yetzer harah that can be controlled without 12 steps. I came across you guys through yeshivah world news, and I’m definitely going to read the handbooks, but I didn’t see clear evaluation…    I scored a 4 on the SA test…
Any body have any thoughts here for me?

Hi and welcome.
See this little gem here, it may help with self-diagnosis:
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/PDFs/ebooks/Nutshell%20July2011.pdf
I'm not sure which SA test you're referring to. I remember when I took one of those I scored 19 out of 27, so that was pretty revealing. On the other hand, I saw another test somewhere which said that non-addicts would not answer yes to more than 2 of those questions. So just read a little around that test you took, prehaps it does say the definitions somewhere.
No matter the outcome, watching your eyes is a definite requirement for a frum man, so that's a good start, as well as filters.
Let us know what your plans are.
Much success!

Thanks, that was very helpful... despite my history I think I'm at the two stage... I have to be careful with filters, and really up shmiras eynayim. It particularly hits me when I'm really sad or angry. Or both. But for a bipolar guy, I have a lot to be thankful for. It'll just take time before my life is 100 percent... I only just started going to minyan at mincha on a regular basis... and that's the only one out of three so far... I'm thinking of upping it to mariv also now. I think these things are connected somehow...

you sound pretty amazing to me; 4 times in 8 years? that's nuts...

Good luck! It sounds like you're on the right path and that you're becoming stronger. Just keep those fences up and you'll be fine!

Thanks! That's really encouraging.

your strory is a great inspiration don't knock your self down just keep on shteiging !

Kiddush Hashem you took the words right out of my mouth!! Keep it up NG30s. Dont get all down on yourself "keep trucking". Just think positive!

Thanks so much for your encouragement. I'm having a rough time this past week. I'm just depressed and disconnected. I blew it today looking at inapprop stuff on Youtube. Apparently the level above mugan plus still doesn't block everything. But it wasn't enough for me to be "worth" acting out. So there's that. We were planning on switching to white list anyway, but my wife doesn't run to help me, I have to be the proactive force. She really doesn't "get" it. I understand women just don't tend to be able to comprehend this issue... not unless they are really sick. (I met a friend's girlfriend in the 'bad old days' who liked p. Needless to say she had issues. I don't know if she liked it the same way as guys.)
I really have trouble feeling that my ideals don't match my reality. I don't go to minyan in the morning regularly, and I tutor gemara morning seder to a post-high school yeshivah bachur. I have very strong learning skills, I have rabanut smicha, can learn any sugya, know kabala basics, but my davening ain't squat. I'm really a patchwork of a person.
I think everyone here is striving for real connection, and I'm no different. I feel so far from that. Hashem should help all of us to get close to Him and live a life of avodas Hashem b'simcha.

WELCOME New Guy!  We're glad to have you.  I also went through a stage of "am I an addict or not???????"  Anyway, you'll learn a lot here.  Only you can tell if you are or not.  One thing I learned is that the problem isn't lust.  Lust is the solution to our problem - (so we think).  Our problem is life, our solution is lust.

Sounds like your problem may be the bi polar thing.  I don't remember if you said you were getting help with that.

Stick around!  It's warm in here.

I get help... the problem is they won't prescribe anti-depressants to bi-polar people... might flip out. Thanks for the welcome.

You're Welcome .