the מהרש"א says that if we want to be mispalel to have strength to conquer a challange, then the perfect tefilloh for that is
ואל תביאינו לידי נסיון
although it means not to have a challange at all
but because hashem set for us a goal to have certain challanges, so thats impossible, therefore as hashem sees that we ask not to have challanges at all, so he helps us to have courage for the set challanges
(now i dont know where that maharsho is, i heard it from a godol, i leave it for the lomdim here to find it)

I don't feel like I'm being cheated out of any nisyonos by asking Hashem to take my lust.  It's just my way of asking for help.  It's also my way of letting go of this personality trait (lust) that's been a part of me for so long.

And He's really not taking it anyway -- if I were to be so foolish as to start gazing in the street or indulging in fantasy, I have no doubt that the lust would be right there where I left it.

I almost caused an accident today, when I was looking away from a jogger and almost crashed into someone at an intersection. The guy was very angry, stopped his car, rolled down the window and was yelling obsenities at me while making hand jestures that suggested that what he was saying was in accord with how he really felt.
I should have appologized, but I was busy NOT thinking of bad things to yell back, so I just bit my lip and didn't say anything at all. Besides, he was right...
I came up with a tool to use when driving through "dangerous" parts of town. I keep my finger on the window washer button, and if there is nowhere to turn my gaze, I stare straight ahead and spray some soapy water on the windshiled. By the time the whipers do their job, I am usually out of the danger zone. (Unless it's a stoplight, but then I can just close my eyes). Driving with closed eyes is a big no-no in my family, though.
Gut Shabbos!

What an idea I had such a geshmak in hearing that idea the same as if I was hearing a sevarah that explains the entire sugya.Thank you for that.

Just dropping in to say hello here.

Good luck Obermottel, looks like you're on the right track.

--Elyah

Thanks Elya!
Tomorrow my wife wants to have a BIG Talk. Any suggestions?
I'm sure it's gonna involve the latest revelations

What does she know already?  What have you already told her?  What's her involvement been so far?

How is your relationship as it is, overall?

What changes have you made already since you have joined this forum?

The main idea, which is always the safest path to take, is to say something along these lines:

"I feel our relationship is not as good as it could be (or, used to be), and I regret that.  I feel I have a lot to do with it; What could I do to make things better?"

Then, you have to be willing to LISTEN.  You want to clean up your side of the street, and THAT'S ALL.  Don't start placing blame, or looking at whatever you wife may have also done to contribute.  AND, if she goes in that direction, CHANGE COURSE "I would like to focus now on what I can do to make things better."

Just look at your part in things--with grueling honesty.  And, whatever your wife may say, no matter how critical and bitter, she is most probably right.  We addicts have huge blind spots to our own defects; our wives don't.

If you don't think you can handle that, or if you think your sobriety at this point is too tentative, feel free to tell your wife something like this, "There's a lot going on with me, I'm working alot on it now, but I'm not quite ready to discuss it with you now.  I am looking forward to discussing it with you when the time is right, which I hope will be soon."

And, besides that, full-disclosure, especially all of a sudden, usually does more harm than good.  I would strongly advise against it.

--Elyah

I followed the suggestions of just listening and not assigning blame or whateva and it ended up being a pretty amicable disussion. it was also almost entirely focused on my lousy earnabilty, not s*xual things, so it was a little easier to contain myself, but the advice was golden, anyways.
As for the main problem that I have, the wife has real trouble admitting it's an addiction and calls it a "weakness" and similar things, which is a relief and a frustration at the same time.
But we had a productive talk so today is a good day 

obormottel wrote on 05 Sep 2011 00:18:


Glad the suggestions were helpful.

As for acknowledging our problem as an "addiction," I have found something in the White Book that is very handy (if the topic ever comes up).  It says something like this:  We don't claim to be experts in addictions, and we don't claim to be using the term in it's exact sense, however, the program of recovery (and attitude) which has been helpful for other addictions has also been very helpful for treating us--and other methods have failed.

--Elyah

I met a Jew over the weekend, who is not frum at all, and who (after jail etc) came to terms with the fact he is sex addict, and started recently attending meetings.
He's been clean for 7 days.
So I mentioned that I am around a month's time clean...the guy was beyond himself:
"A month? That is so great, it's unbeleivable, I don't think I can do it" etc.
This was a greatest chizuk for me (present company excluded )
So I guess all's relative.... 

I've been having trouble....not with looking around on the street, but with feeling good about not looking, as well as with having the split-second images linger in my head. I dwell on them and get depressed about why couldn't I look, and why it's not going away, and how much I really wanna look. I have been using "alert, avert, and affirm" tool, but the affirmation is not helping, and I usually forget to compliment myself anyways. I've used image replacement technique, but it's not always practical. I've been imagining some disgusting worts on the inner thighs of my fanatasies, and that helped a bit. Then I started using another tool, of saying "Hashem, take my pain as a sacrifice", because I literally shudder and shake and feel nauseated when the urge to look is particularly strong. Shopping and driving are particularly difficult activities. I tell myself if I look I die.
All these tools are from GYE and they helped more or less. But the other day I started saying "G-d bless her" every time I see someone I want to do a once over. And the urge immediately goes away! That is amazing....I find myself at peace, I don't want to look again, and I am comfortable with not being able to look once I ask Hashem to bless this person as His child.
So I want to be a  misnaged litvak for a second, and ask: are we allowed to ask Hashem to bless goyim? I don't think so....but it's been doing wonders for me in the last day or two.....
What to do, heilige forum?

Your plan sound like something i think I have heard from Dov.  Maybe he'll chime in.  I don't think there is anything wrong with blessing goyim.  Don't you say "good morning", or "have a nice day"?

the chazal tells us, if you see a gorgeous lady (for instance if you come to a corner, & she comes facing you from the opposite corner) you should say "boruch shakocho loy beolomoy"
about feeling depressed, please explain what particular thought about avoiding shmutz, causes you a depressing feeling?

gibbor120 wrote on 07 Sep 2011 16:14:

I did hear read someone say it in Dov's name, so if the "real slim shady" would stand up, I'd like to hear it from the source.
I also heard you shouldn't say "bless you" to a goy if he sneezes, so what does that say? BTW, I say gezundheit or Salud to my co-workers to stay polite, and I do say hello etc....so I don't know...

Does the mitzva of Lo sechaneim - Lo titein laheim chein apply here?