great news.

great to hear you are doing well Mottel!
thanks for sharing
keep on keeping on

lechatchila ariber!

Thank you all! Two weeks clean today. I treated myself to chocolate chip muffin.

did you jog home from the bakery?

bon apetite.I am really happy for you.

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 17 Aug 2011 15:50:

you really know how to get to a fellow's soft spot  ;D
ZemirosShabbos wrote on 17 Aug 2011 19:53:

why? I'm not depressed yet! Why waste good energy ;D

Reb O'Mottel,
Fast moving thread!
I wanted to comment on the original post.  It's so good to see what a serious recovery plan looks like.  I hope you don't mind if I occasionally refer others to it as an example.  Sometimes people come here and then just set up a filter and bite their lip and that's their recovery program.
Shteig on and have a great Shabbos!
Alex

I realized a couple of things lately and here they are:
1. I am nothing. I thought I was doing Hashem a huge favor with my Toiro and mitzvois. Turns out, HE was doing me a favor by gratefully accepting Toiro and mitzvois even from such a menuval as me. Consequently
2. Even the litllest of my efforts counts, despite my huge overall problem. Meaning to say: even though my overall avoido is not avoido at all in the true sense of the word, Hashem in His kindness and understanding of my lowly status, considers it avoido none the less, may be even more, as is expressed in lefoom tzaro, agro: reward is befitting the effort.
Dov, StrugglingStrivingBT, Bardichev, ZmirosShabbos and others are primerily responsible for this attitude adjustment.
Therefore:
3. Instead of being down on myself for failing time and again to fix my problem(s) I have a right and an obligation to be happy that, despite my obvious, real problem(s) I still do what I do: daven, learn, keep mitzvois, and occasionally put up a fight with the Yetzer.
I've heard the concept before, but before hearing it on this forum, whenever it would come from a "normal" person, I would dismiss it thinking: "if only you knew WHAT my problem is, you wouldn't be so fast to say that Hashem sheps nachas from the rest of the stuff that I do or from the occasional abstaining from sin." Afterall, if I'm not perfect 100%, why would G-d love me? Well, that's because before the Perfect G-d no one is perfect, stupid....
I owe the gratitude for this realization to the Attitude Handbook, and everyone on this forum: you guys share my problem to a lesser or a greater degree, and yet you are content with the thought that G-d loves us. It was a lot to digest, but I think my stomach is slowly settling on this idea.
4. I will never be normal again. This thought can be and is comforting: it means, I have to be forever vigilant in how I look at (things), but: if I look wrongly or worse, it's not a new problem, but an old, familiar one, with which I (hopefully, soon) will learn how to deal on a day to day basis. Which leads to a final realization of the week:
5. Take the struggle one day at a time. This thought: "I must, this Yom Kippur, yom huledes, special occasion etc, accept upon myself to NEVER AGAIN do what I loved/felt compelled doing", was daunting to the point of unbearable, making tshuva and recovery from compulsion/addiction impossible. Knowing, as Alexeliezer (?)  put it, that "I cannot look, because once I look I am dead" helps me realize the importance of not looking NOW, and not worrying about how I might react in the future. Staying away from triggers one day at a time for the rest of my life, that's what it's about now.
I realize now, after this paradigm shift in my understanding of the nature of my beast, that I cannot change myself totaly but I can make a decision/take action regarding certain behaviours and habits to safeguard myself from acting on my lowest desires. And by the way, these desires are inherent to my nature, and apparently they are exactly what Hashem wants me to fight as part of my curriculum vittae.
I am still left with many questions, of course, so if something seems illogical or wrong, please bring it up.
I'm still working out the theology behind this theory and it's place in my engrained understanding of Toradike principles of sin, and tshuvo, and bechiro chofshis etc.
But I have done things before that "went against my best judgement, consciousness, and religious conviction" and were bad, lowly, nisht passige things; and not worried about contradictions to my "understanding of Toirodige principles of sin".
So I can put some effort into a positive action (or inaction as the case may be) that agrees with my best judgement etc, inspite of seeming contradictions.
Thanks for listening.
Gut Shabbos.

Mottel, i think you've just summed up everything for me in a nutshell, better than i ever could.

good shabbos

Gevura!

Alexeliezer:
just wanted to pick up this conversation without hijacking the other guy's thread, also as it relates to me personally:
alexeliezer wrote on 19 Aug 2011 17:17:

I stopped going shopping to a certain place near where I live (although it inconveniences me greatly when I "have to" run out for a six-pack), and have to remember to tell my wife (politely, k'muvon) that I can't run an errand to the supermarket. I don't know how long this stage will take, hopefully, I'll be able to function in a worldly environment, but right now I feel violated after forcing my stare down at places like this. But if I look, I'm dead! I went to the airport the other day to pick someone up, and only realized what I have done after walking into the terminal. Thank G-d for electronic devices with GYE forum on them, I could keep my eyes busy, and the party I was meeting didn't need to be looked out for. I can't shop while reading the messages on my phone! So your next point:
alexeliezer wrote on 19 Aug 2011 17:17:
is very important to me. So do you have a tip on a particular technique that helped you "not crashing"? I've made left turns lately with my head turned in the opposite direction to avoid seeing whomever is standing on the intersection, but crashing is a concern
alexeliezer wrote on 19 Aug 2011 17:17:

can you believe, I used to say Thank you Hashem for sending this sight my way. I took it as a cheer, as an encouragment to look on. "If you're showing, I'm looking" attitude.

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 19 Aug 2011 21:59:


nootz gesunderheit!
Goot Shabbos

Mottel your taniying very shtark.

Is that good or bad?

mottel, you exposed in a snap lots of my spiritual struggles i had, i found that after i mastered mesulas yeshurim & chovos halvoves many times over & over, & having a daily sheur in them, straightened out ALL my double thoughts.

There is no english word that explains taniying-suffice to say what you said meant something to me ;D