Dear Dov
if you work on freeing from the lust itself, then letting your eyes loose might pull you back in, is that correct?

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted last couple of days.
I'm better now. Thanks,  new friends.

get beeter quick
we need your piece of mind here

I had a fight with the wife last night, among other things I was called  piece of sh*t who mas*****s instead of making a living. I provoked the argument, of course, by saying something insensitive, which was possibly brought about by her putting me on the defensive by saying something accusatory (but true) to me first. So after the sh*t comment I just went into a fetal position (or is it fecal?) and folded, and said nothing even though she really pressed for some counter-insults. I even mumbled an appology later in the evening for saying "hurtful things that weren't even true".
So then as I lay in my bed, the neighbours upstairs start having  a really loud s*x...and I just lay there, mesmerized, unable to pull a blanket over my ears, unable to get up and go to the kitchen, at full attention to add, and I was so ready to just start stroking...."she doesn't love you anyways, you are anyways a worthless piece of drek, make yourself feel good, this is a great opportunity, you are not even watching porn, and that's a real problem, right?, not your pleasuring yourself. "
What helped me to beat it back was this thought: "You are feeling miserable now, and unable to stand yourself. Just think how truly miserable you will feel after finishing, how you actually will be a failure and a shtick drek."
I think I made an important discovery in my own psychy: masturbating has nothing to do with making myself feel good. It may give me pleasure and a relief, but it can not make me happy when I'm not. That is new....

Awesome work O'Mottel.  Don't get complacent, but you are riding high bro!

I wasn't there, but that was a very low blow from the Mrs.

No matter.  Take the high road.  Forgive and apologize.  We can take hurtful comments.  Our wives cannot.

yes mottel, you made an importand discovery, that helped me a lot in the past and present.
you are a real will power hero, i must get hold of a shtick of your spirit.
if your wife (or anyone) insults you, that you are such and such, just agree, say, yes its correct, sometimes i do feel exactly like you described, what can you do in order to help me elevate more from this situation (or similar appropriate responses).
NEVER FIGHT BACK, OR REPLY ABUSIVLY
its not easy, but it works
(have you read the book "feeling good" from d. burns?)

That was a great gift you got. It seems we get these 'inklings' and little faint lights of sanity are going on all the time, as long as we stick with sobriety.

The bitterness of the argument (really just a venting session, apparently, or at least ended with one) stings terribly, I know. In my horrid first year of searching for the recovery I needed, my wife once kicked me right in the groin. The pain is here for both of you, chaver. It is a horrible, frightening feeling  - or awareness of reality - for a wife to see her husband as a loser in any way. And to be a wife who is actually driven to throw it in her husband's face, well...she must feel quite the failure herself. It hurts.

And just like sane frum Jews need to realize that all our personal and national tzaros, spiritual and physical, are all a result of the churban - an addict like me must, must become aware and remember that his prime enemy of all enemies, is lust. Not masturbating, or "zera levatola", but lust. The lusting I do (when I lust) makes me see her as not nearly enough, or have to change her - even though inherently, she is, as we happily eventually discover in recovery. It makes me feel G-d is not enough - even though He is - well...G-d, as we happily discover in recovery. It makes me see all the lackings in my life and live in them. It makes me see the lackings in others and it makes an attitude of higher purpose in my life seem just plain stupid. Stupid. Religious duty, yes...but still stupid. So it is a pain. Poor, poor me.

And as they say in AA, "Poor, me, poor me, pour me a drink." Say it, it actually is cute. 

I have much respect for you Mottel.  Thanks for sharing that.  Continued hatzlacha.

We're here for you OM. KOT.

wow, Mottel, wow.

i think you should be promoted to Brigadier General for that.
i feel for you and am very impressed

mottel you just got a star added to your army suit

Thank you for the compliments, encouragements, promotions, stars, and a dose of Dov.
I think all those things (maybe save for Dov, because I didn't quite get the second paragraph) are wrong for me right now, 'cause they feed my [size=6][font=impact]EGO[/size]. [size=6][/font][/size]
Said ego brought me to this misery, so I think it'll serve it well to starve a bissle.

dear reb mottel: if you know what powerfull kochos you have, then you must realise that hashem want from you a lot more then from others who dont posses these gifts, they are given for a reason, and it doesnt add ego, it adds demand

I was just getting seated comfortably in my ego-less chair, and here you are, telling me I got a demand on me! I got enough demands, what with IRS and the rest of 'em...
Riboinoi Shel Oylom, take this fight over, please!

Sorry OM, I know you don't need any more ego food.  But how you dealt with that night, the fight, the struggle not to act out, and the huge insight, is just a beautiful lesson for all of us.

Now about that swollen head of yours.  I'm sure you've had the experience when davening that you're in the flow, no thinking, just you and Hashem, little us, big Him, and then we notice that we're in the flow, and it all goes in the crapper.  Flow-yh-crapper.  When we say nice things to you, we're loving you, and for that first split second, my guess is it feels geshmack.  It's not the compliment (that the ego inflates about) that's important.  It's the love.  I hope you'll enjoy and let it go deep.  And at the risk of being condescending, I'm sure you know you're not your ego anyway.