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TOPIC: hello my friends.... 101471 Views

Re: hello my friends.... 17 Feb 2013 09:44 #202342

Dov
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Gevura Shebyesod wrote:

Day 2. Trucking...

I'd like to share a mind game I play with myself sometimes when I'm frustrated and lonely and wondering if all this struggling is really worth it...

I imagine a Novi or a Malach came to me and offered me a choice.

I can have just one night of whatever I want. An ample supply of willing partners eager to do my every whim. Superhuman energy to do it nonstop all night. Unlimited pleasure and ecstacy... But in the morning I drop dead.

Or I can choose to be guaranteed to live to 100 years old with perfect health. As long as i never act out. But every day will be filled with the pain and longing of never being able to have what i want so much.

Now make your choice...

Haha! Very funny question, very funny challenge.

...but not reality.

I see no 'choices of a lifetime'.

There is today. Today is dramatic enough for me and my loved ones. You are doing great! Let's not let our dreams (nightmares, I'd say!) convince us that we have 'choices of a lifetime' to make, now.

Life is good and it is for today. Ilu (lalalala)...today...(lalalalala), Dayenu.

"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."

Re: hello my friends.... 17 Feb 2013 09:54 #202343

gevura shebyesod
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It's not meant to be reality. I use it as a mental exercise in delayed gratification to help me through a tough moment.

!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

"If it would be so easy there wouldn't be a GYE, but if it would be impossible there also wouldn't be a GYE."
"Sometimes a hard decision leads to an easier outcome."
- General Grant

My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: hello my friends.... 17 Feb 2013 10:55 #202346

Dov OFFLINE Administrator Posts: 1960 Karma: 383	Oh. OK.....never mind.
	"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."

Re: hello my friends.... 11 Mar 2013 19:46 #203333

gevura shebyesod
Current streak: 1193 days
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31 days. And 600 cumulative on the chart.

Things are going to be really difficult for the next few weeks. This time of year was always the worst. But it is also the time when, 2 years ago, it got bad enough that I finally did something about it...

Re: hello my friends.... 11 Mar 2013 19:50 #203334

moish u.k. OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Winning is a team effort! Posts: 341 Karma: 22	I wish you a day of quality sobriety.

Re: hello my friends.... 11 Mar 2013 21:28 #203347

ZemirosShabbos OFFLINE Platinum Boarder pass the compote Posts: 6153 Karma: 72	these days should be days of Mr.Clean אכי"ר
	Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise ~Inna beshem ZS Give, Forgive ~Cordnoy The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting. ~TZ

Re: hello my friends.... 15 Mar 2013 13:58 #203604

moish u.k. OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Winning is a team effort! Posts: 341 Karma: 22	ZemirosShabbos wrote: these days should be days of Mr.Clean אכי"ר Whatever works...

Re: hello my friends.... 15 Mar 2013 19:02 #203628

mr. emunah Current streak: 121 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1139 Karma: 43	st. moritz

Re: hello my friends.... 15 Mar 2013 20:39 #203632

gevura shebyesod
Current streak: 1193 days
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Lestoil

Re: hello my friends.... 15 Mar 2013 21:22 #203635

ZemirosShabbos OFFLINE Platinum Boarder pass the compote Posts: 6153 Karma: 72	elbow grease, shmattehs and shvitz
	Sometimes life is like tuna with not enough mayonaise ~Inna beshem ZS Give, Forgive ~Cordnoy The reason I'm acting as if I'm pregnant, is because I'm expecting. I should be accepting. ~TZ

Re: hello my friends.... 15 Mar 2013 21:50 #203637

Machshovo Tova OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 1230 Karma: 26	I think most important is bitul be'lev. Shabbat shalom & Chag kasher vesamaiach, MT

Re: hello my friends.... 17 Mar 2013 16:02 #203656

TehillimZugger OFFLINE Platinum Boarder לבד הנשמה הטהורה Posts: 2446 Karma: 34	Gevura Shebyesod wrote: I wish i was sad and contrite and stuff but I'm just numb. I wanna just give up but this is day one, for now... I see the beginnings of an awesome song there! When can we get together to write the lyrics?
	?דער באשעפער לאווט מיך אייביג. וויפיל לאוו איך עהם My Creator loves me at all times. How great is my love for him?

Re: hello my friends.... 19 Mar 2013 22:09 #203773

Dov OFFLINE Administrator Posts: 1960 Karma: 383	Good derherr TZ Shlit"a - I still have Uri's number...should we call him for that?
	"Off the 18-wheeler and fine on this tricycle!", "I do not particularly care exactly which "lav" suicide is. I'm not interested in it for other reasons...and you are probably the same."

Re: hello my friends.... 07 Apr 2013 09:15 #204390

gevura shebyesod
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Tonight marks exactly 2 years from when I first "came out" to my wife. That was the first time I had ever shared any of this with anyone, and I had not even heard of GYE yet. I had no idea how she would take it or where i would wind up, i just knew that i could no longer survive living the Stira that I was. But B"H she took it better than i had any right to expect, and with Hashem's help that was the beginning of my journey upwards. and Hashem led me to GYE just a few days later, and i discovered that i was not alone. i don't think i could have made it otherwise.

I did have something of a setback over the last days of Yom tov. (I shared it in more detail privately with a few friends). we had guests for one meal, and one of them was a perfect storm of a trigger, the likes of which i have not had to deal with for a long time now. The battle was over as soon as it started, and I couldn't help it. i stared, and fantasized... And i had to play host and interact with the person the whole meal so i couldn't just ignore them.

That night, I came very close to falling. I was obsessed to the point of insanity and I could think of nothing else. I struggled and cried, I actually started to act out a few times and quickly stopped, i begged for it to go away and at the same time i desperately wished i had the guts to just give it all up and jump back into the deepest pits...

The next morning i could barely daven i was still so preoccupied. i had seized upon one detail about the person and become fixated on it and that one word kept drumming in my head and i could not concentrate on anything. i kept trying to find some meaning in what i was saying and then i would supppress it with thoughts of how unworthy and low i am and what a hypocrite i am to say words of asking for help that i didnt really want.

What finally pulled me out of it was the break before Krias Hatorah when they sell the aliyos. I took a Gemora and began learning (I'm way behind in Daf yomi and i nee to catch up). I got lost in the sugya for a few minutes and lo and behold the obsession stopped. i was still struggling with the memories but at least the intense insanity was gone and i could concentrate on davening again. It was amazing!

It took a couple of days for me to really get back on track. I haven't updated my chart yet because i was not sure if i should call it a fall.

Obviously i'm nowhere near "cured" yet, and i doubt i will ever be. But at least with hashem's help i am managing and i am no longer acting out the way i used to constantly. And I have a group of friends to share with who understand and accept me. and for that I am forever grateful.

Re: hello my friends.... 07 Apr 2013 13:20 #204398

RT.
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Gevura

I did have something of a setback over the last days of Yom tov. (I shared it in more detail privately with a few friends). we had guests for one meal, and one of them was a perfect storm of a trigger, the likes of which i have not had to deal with for a long time now. The battle was over as soon as it started, and I couldn't help it. i stared, and fantasized... And i had to play host and interact with the person the whole meal so i couldn't just ignore them.

That night, I came very close to falling. I was obsessed to the point of insanity and I could think of nothing else. I struggled and cried, I actually started to act out a few times and quickly stopped, i begged for it to go away and at the same time i desperately wished i had the guts to just give it all up and jump back into the deepest pits...

The next morning i could barely daven i was still so preoccupied. i had seized upon one detail about the person and become fixated on it and that one word kept drumming in my head and i could not concentrate on anything. i kept trying to find some meaning in what i was saying and then i would supppress it with thoughts of how unworthy and low i am and what a hypocrite i am to say words of asking for help that i didnt really want.

I feel your pain. Happened to me a lot of times as well (with just one difference).

Just one question. Gevura, since you know you have a problem, and your wife knows, why do you have to have such guests?

Dov

There is today. Today is dramatic enough for me and my loved ones. You are doing great! Let's not let our dreams (nightmares, I'd say!) convince us that we have 'choices of a lifetime' to make, now.

Took me a long time to realize how true it is. Thanks for keeping on repeating it.

Last Edit: 07 Apr 2013 13:23 by RT..