Thanks, 1D.

And how are things with you?

Yamin uhsmoll. Thanks for asking. Suffering is really boring. so why does it capture all my attention. Maybe I shouldn't kvetch. Better pain than shtuss.

KOT my friend.

Yoel

So on Shabbos I was in Shul, and I was lost in thought and pacing, just thinking about the unfairness of it all....I wandered over to a bookshelf and randomly pulled out a sefer and flipped it open. It was a Novi Yeshaya and it opened to 45:9.



WOW!! And the Malbim explains, Do not complain that you were not made perfect, for if were perfect we could not grow...

Not really so related, but related in a way, and I just spoke to a chaver on the phone and told him over this shtickel:

As we read today in the Parsha -

...וְיָדַעְתָּ עִם-לְבָבֶךָ כִּי כַּאֲשֶׁר יְיַסֵּר אִישׁ אֶת-בְּנוֹ ה' אֱלֹקיךָ מְיַסְּרֶךָּ...

MT

That's why I remembered to tell it to the guy, whaddya think, I know the abovementioned sefer by heart?

Gevura wrote on 06 Aug 2012 18:39:



I used to do that often when I was elligible for the Bochurim Only thread. I would get many messages from Hashem that way. It was my version of asking a child to say a passuk.

thank you yosef for respecting my wishes and not posting there, unlike some of your friends

"Pischu Li Pesach keChudo Shel Machat...."

There is a fundamental difference between a doorway and a pinprick (aside from the size of course).

A doorway is created by taking away part of the wall. There is something permanently missing. When you stick a pin in something, however, no material is removed. It is just pushed to the side a little, and when you take the pin out it moves back into place, as if nothing had ever happened.

It is the same with a person. We cannot make a permanent change in ourselves and remove parts of our psyche on our own. All we can do is move ourselves aside a teeny bit, and make just a little bit of room for Hashem to enter, like a needle forcing its way in. Then He takes over, and with His power we can have all our problems removed.

And it may seem like a gaping void, but in reality it is the entrance to the Kodesh Hakodoshim.

that is an awesome vort!
thank you Gevura
when you print your sefer i want an autographed copy (monster-truck-tire marks are fine too)

Very sweet vort

I'm about a week late with this but it's about time I post an update. I've just been in a bit of a shy mood again lately.

I currently have 137 days on the chart. However it's what I would call "technical" sobriety since it just means I haven't actually fallen completely off the edge yet. I've been getting numb, lax and complacent again, even as the environment I am in has become increasingly more trigger-full. And i've been slipping, and wanting, and getting depressed about it which makes me want and slip more...

A week ago I had what I am calling an "almost-fall". I shared it in detail with a few people and they agreed that it is not technically a full fall. but it is clearly a message that I need to sit up and pay more attention to my trucking.

I'll leave out the details, but basically what happened is as follows. I was put into a position where I had to interact with someone extremely triggering, and I wound up spending alot more time there than I originally planned to. So that night I had a dream that I was back there with that person, and that we began to "do something". I woke up and I was insane with desire, and I could not shake the fantasy that continued. Still half asleep, I began to act out for maybe 20 seconds until i caught myself and stopped. Nothing came out then, but later in the day some stuff came out involuntarily and without any sensation. But I know it was a consequence of what happened earlier.

I need to get more proactive with my Shmiras Einayim again, being more aware of problem situations before I gety into them and not letting it sneak up on me. And there are some Kabbalos I had made back when I started this, such as saying the entire Krias Shma every night form a siddur, and keeping up with learning projects, that I have been getting lax with lately, and Bli Neder I will make an effort to be more careful with them.

LAst year this was all new and exciting, and I was feeling a wonderful close connection to Hashem and enjoying the sense of accomplishment that i felt with each success. I want that back again. But lately the whole thing seems to have become boring and i'm feeling empty and purposeless again. And that is a terrible place to be. It makes me want the drug...

I need to just do the actions that I am supposed to do, and let Hashem send me the feelings.

Machshovo wrote on 03 Sep 2012 16:21:

You know the vort.
That initial excitement and closeness is a sneak preview of what we can attain with years of effort. But we forget this. We get addicted to the new. We get depressed when the newness of things wears off. At some point, the seichel takes over. We hope.

137 is a great number. It's the gematria of Kabbalah, and also the inverse of the fine structure constant (but you probably don't know what that is, which is okay.)

Perhaps today is your day to make your real Kabbalah. Write down all the pros and cons of being sober. For me the main one is that after I act out I have an unpleasant feeling because i am not measuring up to the best I could be. And there are many other good reasons for surrendering, or arguing with yourself, or whatever you do instead of lusting, and only you can write them down because you are the world's foremost expert on yourself!

You might consider reading Feeling Good for useful techniques and examples of people who defeated their depression.