Beautiful post Gevura!
If you can do this, anyone can.

Gevura,
MAZAL TOV!
Ad Meah V'Esrim Shanos (one day at a time)!

Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

OK, today was not such a good day.

yesterday i started on a bit of a high, being the one year anniversary of beginning to fight this. But later in the day a certain lethargy seemed to overtake me, almost as if nothing mattered. and i accidentaly saw something on the computer that I should not have, and on my way home from work I was triggered strongly a number of times. when that happens all the old longings still come back. So I wound up depressed and hating myself.

This morning started a little better, but by the afternoon i was back in a funk again. I was thinking about what had changed since last year, and the bad side was winning. I still want all the same stuff, and still get triggered just as strongly, and now it just hurts more. I don't want to want these things, and I hate that i can't stop myself from reacting to it. It's not fair, I know I can't ever have it, why can't i at least enjoy looking? I already got forbidden pleasure from that first glance, so what if i get a little more? Will I ever know what it's like to be normal and see the world the right way? This constant struggle is too hard, i need a break... And I started looking at some borderline stuff on the computer, and crept closer and closer to the edge...

I don't think i actually went far enough to have to call it a full fall. but it was definitely stuff i have no business looking at. After a while i tore myself away, feeling even more rotten then I had when i started. And i realized that going back into the pit, as tempting as it seems, is not the answer. Under the surface pleasure lies bottomless depths of misery.

I thought it over later and took away two lessons that i must hammer into myself.

1. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I am not expected to be perfect. Aspiring to perfection is an exercise in futility that will only lead to disappointment and frustration. I am only expected to do the best I can at each moment.

2. I need to stop guilt-tripping over being triggered. At this point, when I see someone and I feel compelled to look at that first instant, and even the pleasure i feel at that moment, is beyond my control. It's not my nekuds habechira right now. It's not my fault. It's the way I am, the way the Perfect One wants me to be. He has His reasons, and I need to believe that it's for my good and for the Tikkun of the world in some way. He needs me to fight and struggle, for some ultimate cause that only He knows. So I need to stop beating myself up over it, and stop using it as an excuse to go further. Juts say "oops" and move on. And thank Hashem for giving me a chance to do my little part in perfecting His world.

Upon further reflection, I decided that what i did yesterday was bad enough that I need to call it a fall. I was deluding myself that it could have been worse, and that it was ok because i didn't do anything physical. But some of what I looked at would definitely be considered p***. So I have reset my count. Hayom Yom Rishon....

This morning in shul there were tons of triggers, but strangely i had an easy time ignoring them. Sure I noticed that they were there, and I could have looked and enjoyed if I wanted to. But I don't NEED to look, and right now i don't want to. Maybe next time I will want to and i will have to struggle, and maybe I won't succeed. But tomorrow's battles can be fought tomorrow.

That was some amazing work, Gevura!

Gevura wrote on 20 Apr 2012 03:42:


This thought has kept me going through many a temptation.

Day 5...

OK I had a few really good days where the whole thing seemed to fade away and I had an easy time dealing with any triggers that came along. I think the magic is wearing off now though... Last night i had a big stressful situation with the kids and the house (nothing serious b"h just time and money that I did not expect to need to spend). And I started to want to run and hide back in my fantasy world, and I caught myself again staring and fantasizing. And I dragged myself out. I don't want to go there. I don't need to go there. I wish I didn't get reminded of it all the time. But I'm not going to let myself feel bad that it happens. It's not by my choice. What I do afterwards is. And I am given the power to choose, and I can use it.

Hi Gevura,

I can relate to your day 5 cuz that's about where I am standing. I had been on the chart for 168 days but then I HumptyDumptied off the wall. Anyhow, my new streak be"H is looking good and I pray the same for you.

אִישׁ אֶת-רֵעֵהוּ יַעְזרוּ וּלְאָחִיו יאמַר חֲזָק - ישעי' מא:ו

Chazak ve'amatz, brother!

MT

Thanks MT. And unlike Humpty Dumpty, we CAN be put back together again.

KOMT!!

Gevura!

Yes we can! But we need to be more careful this time around.

Allow me to share with you and others an important lesson which I learned the hard way. As soon as I discovered GYE I got on the 90-day chart and gave it all I got to stay on the chart. I avoided all triggers. Also, each morning (right after Modeh Ani) I asked Hashem for help to make it through the day. I worked on it vigilantly a day at a time. And things went pretty smoothly for over 5 months.

Then the sneaky snake (aka YH) approached me with the following proposition: "Hey, I found a loophole in the GYE system which I think you can take advantage of. They only count P* and M* as a fall. Anything less is only a slip and you can stay on the chart. So why be so vigilant? Just for tonight, you can indulge in images that are not P*. You can indulge in fantasies of any kind. You can arouse yourself and do enjoyable things as long as it's not actual M*. And tomorrow you'll still be on the chart, so you can then go back to your vigilance."

I must admit that in my weakness I felt that he 'made sense' (I actually looked for a flaw in his logic and could not find any), and I followed his advice. I had a 'good time' (uch & vay), and yes next morning I was still on the chart according to the rules, but I felt like a jerk. And that was step 2 of his tactics - to make me think, "Now that I tasted the forbidden fruit and did not die, how can I go back to my former vigilance? What should stop me from trying it again and again?" And that's what kept happening, until I decided, "better to go all the way and get out of this vicious cycle..."

In retrospect, it was a 'yeridah letzorach aliyah' - because it taught me very clearly that there are no half measures in this game. As they say, the more you feed it, the more you need it. BTW, there's a saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you". And I think the converse is just as important for us, "Don't feed the hand that bites you!"

Hope that helps - for me, for you, for anybody.

MT

That's exactly what happened to me over the past few months and led to falling twice. The first time i slipped i felt bad, the second time a little less...then i went a little further...

But now the system is reset, and the bar is back in it's starting position. ANd there is no excuse to let myself slip.

Machshovo, that is brilliant!! Thank you for the share. So true. That's exactly what has been happening to me for the past 3 weeks. actually since Pesah. basically, "doing the permitted", to stay within the rules, but then, I've become obsessed with finding ways to stay in the rules, to the point that I can't focus on davning or anything else.

anyhow just wanted to say it was a great share. for 13 posts, you have some good wisdom! ;-0

MT thanks
went thru the same
lets hold hands strong
lets walk again along
getting in the truck with a honk
while singing a nice song
just be carefull not to get stong

Hopefully we can move towards not slipping because it feels really good to be free, and because, as Gevura mentioned, the other side holds "bottomless depths of misery."

The counts, the charts, these are tools, stepping stones, short-term goals. The real goal is a real life.

Good stuff goin' on in your thread as usual Gevura.

You are sooooo inspirational,i cried sooo much ( in the bathroom) u touched my heart I feel that even today. I saw the guy I "love" at the mikva I tried to look away but I almost went crazy I looked at him and fantasized then and there, I saw his body I almost, got erect then turned away I said no your over that I literally got dressed and ran out

dear aish, maybe you should ask someone (like r' guard) if you should be going to the mikva at all-we ALL have to stay away from certain things that are triggers

jack