Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 27 Jul 2011 03:40:

its a big segulah to read a sefer before you go to sleep  your guaranteed to fall asleep asap! 

but serious i read a torah book and it really works and it works to have no bad dreams, also say hamapil even if you don't say with hashems name you can still say it. books that i suggest are "light of efraim" or "garden of emunah" or any book about gedolim etc..

Hi guys...

The past couple of days i've been feeling pretty blah... like i'm just sorta numb. I just can't get myself to feel anything. My davening is slipping, i just drift off into a fog. I find myself spending lots of time on the computer (doing pareve stuff, nothing bad. I have quite a few interests that i like to keep up on.)

I guess i've come to some sort of plateau with my recovery. I've been good with not acting out, I fantasize much less and it's easier to stop it when it starts. I still have a major problem with triggers though. every time i see something all the wanting floods right back and i have to wrench myself away. There are so many things that set me off, not just the people i see. I've messed my head up so badly. even just walking past a certain house is bad because i know who lives there, i slow down hoping the door will open.... I don't see that part getting better soon. I just have to fight it one day at a time.

As far as the sleeping I am working on trying to relax before I go to bed. Maybe the idea of learning will help, i know I fall asleep every Friday night while i am being Maavir Sedra. Also one of the Kabalos I made when I started this was that i would say the entire Krias Shema al Hamita from a siddur every night, I am trying to stick to that.

Tomorrow will be 90 days from when i started this whole thing. I guess I should be happy or something.....

Trucking^TM through the fog,

Gevura!

Gevura

give it more time, this is all normal wulie quitting and changing are lives. Just keep on fighting the YH with Gevura. You will notice dramatic changes in the long run. But, in the begining its VERY difficult, you can become depressed, and maybe not even feel good that you are clean. This is all normal. Keep on posting, you will soon be VERY happy.

Keep on trucking, one day at a time, one nisoyen at a time.

hi Gevura i am breaking my record here i am still not so familiar with this site and i just get lost to see so much threads here that i dont know where to star finding stuff but my close freind shteig hecher which i found on the yiddish forum of gye linked me here to your story to find something to sooth my needs as well. i am not yet familiar with this site so i hope that i will find your reply to my messege when i come back. i am going to tell you here one of my problems.

now the part of the problem that i have which brought me to your thread is that for almost twenty years i have used masturbating as a sleeping pill.
since i was in my teens i found it hard to fall asleep and since one of the people who molested me (unfortunately i was molested several times by several individuals ) thought me how to release Sperm and this was something that was putting me to sleep i used that tool. i did try and cry million times to fix this problem but i had no success i was trying to get help from rebbeim mashpeeim but nothing lasted unfortunately i am always physically drained because of spilling daily. i needed vitamin supplements to be able to go on in life but could never stop. when i matured more i started getting fantasizing involved of all girls around and dreaming about them. and spilling for them etc. 
but since i am listening to a call of GYE and since i am hooked up with friends of GYE which is a great HATZALAH program for us i am able to over come the fantasizing of girls. i am able to not look at porn i am able to not stair at all young girls day and night. i am able to be a better person but falling asleep is an issue. and thats exectly why i am not matzliach to stick on on the 90 day chart even i am successful in so many things for 4 weeks already.

here are a few things that did help me:
My wife before she gave birth to our oldest son she took lessons how to stay calm during delivery and they teach certain breathing exercise which helps a lot to calm down. so i was trying to do these to calm me down and get me to sleep. some times i did take Tylenol to calm me down. there is definitely medication that can help i consider maybe going to a regular doctor and getting something for it.               

Dear Chazak

I feel so bad that that happened to you. You are great for having gotten as far as you have.

I would suggest that you find other ways to relax when going to sleep. Read a book, listen to some calming music... Thye breathing techniques sound like a good idea also. I don't know about Tylenol, when I take it i get all kinds of weird dreams...

It takes a while to get used to not having a "tzummy", I have been having this problem for a while. In the beginning I think I was actually afraid to go to bed because I was scared that I would fall, I would find all kinds of reasons to stay up late. B"H it's getting easier now. I still only get 5-6 hours of sleep every night.

Hatzlacha and Good Shabbos,

Gevura!

with hashems help i found my way around to find your answer. thank you for your chizuk you are a great hero

Gevurah reading how committed you were after disclosing to your wife your secrets has brought me back to the days when I to was intent on not lusting.I really need to bring myself back there that is when I felt the deep damage my lusting does to me my wife and family.I remember sobbing like a baby from the intesity of the emotions of not having to live a double life,I promised myself never again never ever ever.And now I nonchlantly lust alittle here a little there whats the big deal.right? no wrong wrong wrong.This little lusting will stop me from me  giving of myself to my family and surroundings untill I will be alone in my thoughts with just my yetzer harah and then he will have a field day.sorry for the arichus I just got to talk to myself thank you for leading the way.

Thank you all for your kind words. Just knowing that others are being helped by reading about my experience helps me stay strong, because I know that if i fall Ch"V I will be letting you all down (in addition to all the other obvious ramifications).

@Mechazek:
I seem to have gotten to that stage as well, I miss the intensity of those first weeks when every second was full of pain and emotion, both from the withdrawal from the addiction (which was like a physical illness at times) and from the constant effort of controlling my eyes and my thoughts. Now I sometimes feel like "i'm not that sick anymore, a little peek won't hurt..." NO!!! That just proves how sick I still am... I need to be "Mechazek" myself constantly.

*************************

Last night I had a bad cold or something and I could not sleep for hours. I finally fell asleep, and I dreamed of the Heilige Guard! he was dressed just like his picture, in a long red Bekishe and that tall tall Shtreimel.
He did not speak to me, but motioned that i should follow him around. I followed him as he went in and out of a bunch of shuls and rebbes houses, putting up posters and talking to people. At one point we got on a train that climbed a long long hill up into the sky....

sure beats some of the other dreams I used to have....

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Gevura!

My therapist allways reminds me hat the yetzer harah is not just trying to have us peek alittle here and alittle there.He is going for the full knockout he has alot of patience and he knows that he cannot just grab you in a second like he usedc to do.Now he needs to wait and plan and scheme but his goal is the same.So we have to know as we get more sophisticated in our battle so does he what a rascal.So lets go surrender to hashem and humble ourselves and  do battle.

sorry about the bad typing I was to lazy to reread it.Maybe we can learn a mussar from this;that you allways must review what you allready know otherwise its a mess.So to with this addiction you sometimes feel like you have done everything and now just sit back and you will be fine.noooooo I must not.I must think back to the old times when I was steeped in the shmutz ad what I had to do to pull myself out and do those things again.

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 01 Aug 2011 04:11:


YES!! MY DREAM-PROJECTION MACHINE WORKS!!!

Guard, are you..... Dr.Midos?

guardureyes wrote on 01 Aug 2011 18:42:


R' guard please visit my dreams! i would be a lot better off!

Helpfyi wrote on 01 Aug 2011 18:47:


me too I'm next in line

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 01 Aug 2011 18:47:


No, he's actually Ledroptha Curtain