Day 45, halfway to 90!

I realized that I have been having a relatively easy time lately because a lot of my "problems" were away for the summer. That is about to change, and the training wheels are going to come off.

I have been dreading this moment, but there is still a part of me that is telling me that I should be looking forward to it. I hate that part of me....

I have been thinking of how to deal with suddenly seeing all these people that I have not seen in a while. Just keeping my eyes down and forcing myself not to look is going to be extremely difficult and i am afraid it will not last very long. I have come up with something that might work, I tried it a couple of times this morning.

Basically, when I see someone coming that is a big trigger, I will glance at them quickly, and say to myself something like the following "Hey look, it's him, he used to be such a big trigger for me. BUT NOT ANY MORE!!!!" and then I look away and it's over.

This might even work for new sights on the street, which are an even bigger problem for me. "Look over there, I would have really enjoyed staring at him. BUT NOT ANY MORE!!!!"

So instead of sticking my head in the sand and trying to ignore the problem, I will acknowledge it, and then affirmatively push it away.

What do you "sikolodgeeee" experts think?

Gevura!

No opinion on your proposed plan of action, let the real "sickologists" chime in.
But here is what works for me:
Elya talks about this technique somewhere on this  forum, if you can't find it, I'll email it to you upon request.
But basicaly, I created a clean positive image in my head based on clean positive memories (boy, did I have to look far and wide, but I got one), and every time that an undesirable image pops into my mind or sight, I immediately bring up this new image and dwell on it in my thought and with my "inner eye", and  the bad image seizes to be a trigger. More over it gets covered up with the good and now even in the future I associate it NOT with lust, but with the positive image in my mind.
Stay strong! I remember  being triggered by similar things as you in absence of my first choice of heterosexual filth, and it made many situations unbearable. Knowing what you know now, with this forum and all, I think you will be matzliach and very happy with yourself. JJust don't get complacent and take it one day at a time. Oh, and positive reinforcement does wonders for me, too, so pat yoour self on the back each time you have a succesfull aversion.

obormottel said some wise words.

just want to point out that SilentBattle's thread (www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1315.0) is a great resource to see how someone turned his life around in general.

and specifically, among the many good things you'll see there is how he would visualize a script wherein he reacts in a positive way to situations of challenge. similar to what you wrote. he calls it "writing a new script".

From Matzav.com this morning

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In Kelm: Smile…It’s Elul!
In the month of Elul, the yeshiva of Kelm was a very serious place. The trepidation from the upcoming Yom Hadin was in the air. The talmidim walked around with a sense of purpose, lost deep in thoughts of self improvement. So much so that one of the special things they would do was to come to a joint agreement that each person will go out of their way to make sure that they greet others with a smile and happiness. Yes, a smile - that long lost facial expression that would otherwise have no place in Kelm this time of year.
This was typical of Kelm. They took the whole world and flipped it on its head only to turn it back over again. A system of checks and balances of forever improving and then making sure that the improvement was airtight, causing no collateral damage along the way.
Similarly, Rav Yisroel Salanter once related that he met one of the great yirei Shomayim in the bais medrash on Erev Yom Kippur. Rav Yisroel asked him a question, but the man’s thoughts were so lost in the upcoming day that he simply did not hear Rav Yisroel and ignored the question. Rav Yisroel thought to himself, “Why am I guilty because he was scared of the Yom Hadin? Gemillus Chasodim demands that he answer me with joy!” (Chaim SheYesh Bahem - Ki Seitzei).
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It's the same here, we are all working seriously on improving ourselves, we are literally fighting for our lives as if we are in the ICU. Nevertheless we still smile at and with each other and find ways to cheer each other up. That's what I love about this place!
Gevura!

Gevura,
Congrats on 46!
I don't have any strong opinion about your plan.  It seems reasonable, since you should be able to look at men without losing it.  Maybe you could add a little tfila, like 'please help me see him as a person and nothing more."
Have a great day!
Alex

Day 52....

I've been trying my little "trick" at shul where there are a bunch of people I see every day. It seems to work for the most part. I still know that they are there and just that knowledge is a bit of a distraction, but I can say to myself "Oh him, there's nothing new to see there, why bother". It gets difficult when the worst one, the one I can never take my eyes off of, is pacing back and forth right in front of me, so close that I can see clearly even without my glasses.

Speaking of glasses, I take them off very often during davening, it helps some. But my imagination will still fill in the details. And like everything in this business, the fantasy is so much better than the reality.... ???

It doesn't work as well for random sights in the street. The Wow! factor is too strong there, and it's a much bigger effort to tear away from the triggering thoughts. I am trying though....

I hate wanting this stuff. It has become so much a part of me that I don't know if it will ever go away. All I can do is be happy that I can control myself not to act out, and to try to avoid being triggered as best as I can. I know that getting depressed over it is the worst thing, because then I become all needy and wanting it even more, and then I feel even worse etc...... Sometimes I can actually forget about it completely for a while, then i have a hard time and it all comes crashing back down on me again. Then I start feeling "different" again, detached from the world, like I don't belong....I know, that's the root of the whole problem in the first place, the loneliness and disconnection. So I try to at least feel good about the times that I win a little fight, and daven to Hashem that the yissurim should be mechaper... OK enough ranting for now :-\

I had another dream the other night, not such a bad one, it was very short. I just dreamed that I started to M***** and I stopped myself right away. It felt so good for those couple of seconds, but I think it felt better afterwards that I stopped. Come to think of it, I should consider this a GOOD dream.....but I hate being teased like that......it's like the YH is saying "remember what you've been missing, come back and play with me....." GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!

Gotta keep trucking....
Gevura!

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 06 Sep 2011 15:23:


I think that much of it can go away.  Especially if you zealously protect your mind from fantasies.  It will happen.

gevurah such  a real person working on your addiction so consiously thanks for sharing your struggle.

Finally! got my avatar up!

The secret............it would not work on any computer I tried, with any browser....but it worked on my phone! (Windows Mobile 6.5, Opera browser). Go figure......

Time for some serious Monstuh Truckin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gevura!

mazel tov Gevura!
may you go to good places and help us too
i learn a lot from your striving and efforts
chazak ve'ematz chabibi
wishing you lots of hatzlocha
zs

No stoppin' you now!

Day 60!

Had another dream last night...this time I m***** all the way.....I woke up breathing hard, I was so sure it was real. It had felt sooooo good. But B"H nothing had happened.

Hashem make it stop, I can't take being teased like this all the time!!!!

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Post 250, I made Sr. Member!!!!!!!

Your Y"H is starving and choking, so he's taken to fighting dirty.  You keep on trucking.  He'll never stop completely, but you are weakening him.

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 14 Sep 2011 13:41:


Just think of it as a detox process. When a person gets clean of a drug, or even an infection there is a tremendous amount of resistance that is put up by the brain to deal with the withdrawl, its literally withdrawl symptoms that you are experiencing, and they do go away, and soon what will be left is a different type of challenge, but I am confident that these dreams and stuff will go away soon.

pain is fear leaving the body

u.s. marines recruting t shirt
(seen in monsey ny on some geshmakker yeshiva bochurl)