I have seen a psychologist and was 'diagnosed' with "what sounds like a chronic addiction".

there is much more of a void than simcha alone can fill, the 12 steps provide a new reality, lining with hashem, and being מתאוה for that alone.
I am sad to be yet another STATISTIC, but hey look at me, I broke through my filter!!

how? i was trying
why? i felt 'good' ~ calming  ~ familiar  ~ like a final relief to an itch i can't scratch


now to start again tommorow, but for now I am holding on

does anyone know if webchaver works on Eנתיב?!?!?!  K9 doesn't

רפואה שלימה
tell me is this pshycologist a goi or a yid?
cause if he is a goi he has no clue what "oldfriend" really is.
(and even if he is a yid עדיין צריך בדיקה but thats a all new subject)

so could be u r a real addict, i just would recomend you to hear it from a frum erlich doctor

if u r a addict than i wish you רפואה שלימה
if u r a baal aveiro i wish you the song of lipa  וזרקתי עליכם מים טהורים

Old friend wrote on 26 Apr 2011 21:27:


Would you consider joining a group?  I think the DC phone groups are starting up another cycle soon.

I read the books OVER and OVER again on my own, and didn't get so much out of it, except some interesting ideas.  There's sort of like a Torah Sh'ba'al Peh to the program, which you get from groups and from sponsors, and without it you can really miss the point, the stuff that really makes a difference.

--Eye.

dusting off the thread here. It's nice to hear how much GYE grew, and how many people are being helped, however I am not one to avail myself to their benefits. I am back on here for now......






BTW i broke through my filter a big handful of times, thanks to me they NOW block everything, (almost). I haven't read any 12step of GYE literature in months, and I have not been working on my problems... at all.              YaY!!! my life is heading to the dumps, and I have nothing to thank but my messed-up addict mind.  I seek pleasure, reasonable or not. At anyones expence, even my own.  B"H I am honest enough not to steal anyone's money... like my kollel salary when it isn't deserved.              רבונו של עולם you want to help me, and i don't let you!!!!!

What does an addict look like:
      1. Give him Eנתיב filtering and he will create loopholes, then tip-off the rabanim who gave haskamos, so the breaches will be sealed
      2. Give him the most boring internet on earth, and he will still waste all his time in front of thye computer
      3. Give him NO internet, and he will click into "virtual" cyberspace, checking what files the computer has, and that all the programs work
      4. Make a power outage, and he will keep checking if the computer has power
      5. Give him a shteibek, and he will do ANYTHING but make the minyan he needs to make
      6. give him a kollel and he will destroy himself, untill he isn't fit to be there any more
      7. give him a wonderfull family, and he will break her also
      8. give him a future, and he will waste it on the present
      9. give him a cure, and cry for him when it won't be used
      10. Give him another chance.... for what I still have this one 



This isn't a chizuk post, it's reality.  i flunked, and I gotta dig myself out of the gutters. it's not my shmiras einayim that's the problem, it's everything that resulted from years of ---- addiction that's the problem....  it's  WHO I AM!!! letr's change that

We all got broke sometimes, with similiar feelings. You are at the right place. Just look back, what you tried already and it failed and take the next step. As long you don't give up, you will find the way home. Keep on trucking.

Hello Old Friend!
Read through your thread for the first time today.  Powerful stuff.  I admire your raw honesty.

You have a gaping hole in your life which was blasted out and charred around the edges by lust addiction.  Nothing else but lust will quite do.  So even though you have mighty shmiras eynayim and can flick away intrusive thoughts, the addiction's pull eventually prevails.

Let me ask you, how is your relationship with your wife?  After years of quick-highs and objectifying women, this relationship will take extra work.  But it may be the ticket you're looking for.  You can truly let go of lust.  You can slowly resensitize yourself to the sublime pleasures of a loving and intimate relationship.  She's g-d's gift to you.  Nothing less.

Hatzlocho,
Alex

Good to see you again.  Sounds like you've gone throught a lot.

Good luck.

--Eye.

i feel your pain. hoping you find the path out of it all this time.
zs

start new man! don't give up we all have ups and downs don't look back you see how it ruins your life! hazlocha

Let's see how long this will hold-out, but I will now attempt to submit myself to the level of honesty required by SA.

Day -0-

• I succesfully broke through my filter, for the best ever, and engulfed an entire afternoon surfing through everything from soft-hardcore pics.


• I am leaving my acclaimed kollel and mainstreaming into the regular system, because i do not allow myself to holf to the high standards they set. As a bachur I could pretty much do most of them, but now as a maried addict I have allowed my 'married life' to relaps me. And even if most of it was in other ענינים (like which minyan in the shteibs), it was all a remanifistation of my ADDICTION (compulsions). Today i daven the later zman, tommorow i skip a seder, and next week I finnaly manage to break through the worlds only filter with all too many haskamos

Step 1:  Hiting rock bottom.  (i can see my shaddow on the concrete floor, I wonder how many flights are left for em to plunge)
Step 2: GYE, honesty and accountability
Step 3: Don't stop the 12 step program. (It's not only DOV who still needs them)
Step 4: After עזיבת החטע comes tshuva


When does this happen? right before בין המיצרים.     

The litvish blame it on the maharsha, and the chassidish beshaim sfarim hakedoshim and the rebbe reb bunim, but the vort is UNIVERSAL TORAH.  Al  רודפי השם found him during this time. It's a time for עליה רוחנית =equal= to ellul and the yamim noraim.

רבונו של עולם חטעתי עוותי ופשעתי לפניך מנעורי ועד היום הזה. אנא רחם עלי ופתח לי פתח לחזור בתשובה שלימה ולתקן את כל מה שפגמתי.

Day 1

The passuk says ויהי ערב ויהי בקר יום אחה....not יום ראשון as would have been synonymous with every other day of the בריאה.  Why? Because 1 is not a number, it's a מציעות. If there isn't one, than there simply isn't anything. Therefor, day one requires me to focus on the points of recovery, and more importantly, admitting defeat. I may be known for my6 'shemirasEinayim', but I would indulge in hours of p--n+hz"l if I only had the opportunity. My only way out, is to submit my OWN kochos, and rely solely on השם.

Hatzlocho, Friend!

As you well know, the beginning is the hardest.  Daven for help.  May you tap successfully into the koiach of this tshuva season and dance on Simchas Torah a free man!

Good Shabbos,
Alex

ok now I have to START AGAIN

so let's take it from the top  Day 1
shabbos passed with alot of nisyonos. i doubled in my shmirasEinayim, and stred only at my feet. However I only tried fighting the urges to act out , about half the time.

keep on fighting it will get easier! look at what you did do! thats pretty good! doubled your shmiras enyim that's awesome!

ok now I have to START AGAIN

so let's take it from the top  Day 1
Mpotzei shabbos was a big naissayon for me, with a new-found loophole in my filter, and the incompatibility with either k9 or webchaver, I was free game to see any pic that I could find on google buzz.            I turned myself in, and told them about their glitch, however these things usualy take time until they fix them. So for now i just have to work on my nissayon


What kind of --- am I. My wife is calmly sleeping in bed, knowing that something is going on inside me, and I spend too much time by the computer. ok really that's nothing new, sadly, however I have no known reason for it.    I told her i needed GYE for chizuk, but 1:30 minutes of chizuk is PLENTY... funny I didn't seem any stronger the next day?

I need to see where i am heading! to crash!!!!!    oy the potential i wash down the drain. no I don't just nean the zera which has the potention to father thousands of yidden (entire worlds of torah va'avodas hashem!)..... no i mean MY potential that's simp-ly wasted.

I need to pick my self up out of the dust, and beg hashem not to let the YH throw me back down into it. I'm like the hopeless scrawny 'little guy' you see mursilesssly beaten up by a big thug.  Every time I stand up, he thrown me into the dust, leaving me with a mouthful of dirt.      rachmanus!      hashem help me stand on my 2 feet, and take the YH away from me. איני יכול לו!