I come from a quasi-broken home, devoid of all love and affection. I first turned to porn+masturbation as a temporary 'relief' from the bitter depression that I lived with day and night. With no social network, and virtually no family, i was left to raise myself, and provide my emotional needs. Porn gave me the only relief I knew of, and with the advance of DSL i went from google image search, to full blow VIDEOS (free ones - hey I'm cheap). Then with unlimited internet on my cellphone, I had an unlimited assortment of pictures to satisfy my never-ending lust.
      3 years ago I found GYE, back on the .com site, even before the forum existed. After 2 months of tortuous work, I broke free and had my first of several 200+ days clean. Since then i have grow until the point where I can KILL any lust within a moment of it entering my mind.  true I have my lusting under control, my shmiras einayim perfected to an art. However all my years of lusting have left me with a gaping emotional void. A vacuum that sucks the pleasure and meaning of everything I now have from me. I remain a grim and placid person, unable to enjoy the blessings G-D bestows onto me.
      All the years that I was enslaved to lust, created a permanent mark in my self, that effects everything I do. But rather than accept myself as 'damaged goods' I decided to use the 12 steps to help me fill that void. Anyone who has born witness to Dov's passionate defense to his religions adherence to the program, will understand why i am now beginning to ascribe myself to this system. I am not doing it because I cannot control my lust, I C-A-N. Not because i cannot control my eyes, I have them almost fully in control. Rather I am submitting to the 12 step system, because nothing else has proven itself a long term therapy (ameilus batorah works wonders in this, until i burn-out משבר).
      Please join me on my path to rediscovering myself, and learning how to live as a RECOVERED LUST ADDICT.

Old friend wrote on 28 Mar 2011 19:21:


WOW!!!
What an unbelievable success story!!
To be able to truly control yourself after how far you had gone? AMAZING!!!
You are my new hero! ;D 8)

I had some questions for you. It says under your name that you are married. How did your wife handle your recovery process? Has your relationship grown stronger since you beat lust, or has it gotten weaker?

I ask these questions because I found by me that since I had a good marriage before I "came clean" with my wife about my addiction, and she was patiently working on accepting it and helping me to fix it, that I found the void that was left in me from the lack of lust, being transformed into feelings of true love for my wife. It would seem from your post that it didn't work by you, and I just wanted to suggest that you look into it to try and see what's up in that area.

You inspire me!!
Hatzlocha Raba!!!

You hit the nail on the head. That's what the 12-Steps is for. Not to help us stop, that we need to do on our own (Step zero).. Rather, it's to help us deal with real life once we remove the drug! We've become so accustomed to medicating, we don't know how to face real life!

So congrats on internalizing this important truth.

And if Dov is your mentor, you'll come a long way!

Hatzlacha Rabba dear "old friend"!

Having to 'struggle' with an addiction, provides one with a constant, and [sadly] ever-present reminder of their powerlessness. They can easily and constantly surrender to הקב"ה's omnipresence, and tefillah becomes a constant act by necessity. However lacking the struggle, I cannot pinpoint where my addiction manifests itself. And when I cannot find my flaw, how can I surrender?            What am I powerless against?          Should i set an alarm clock to remind me to daven and turn my will over to hashem?


This reminds me of a conversation i once had with Tomim2B. He was explaining to me that addiction is  דין in the גברא not the חפצא. (Addiction is manifested in oneself regardless of where it is applied). For example, an SA can go to a chasunah, and succeed in controlling his eyes (miss the chupah). However by the food bar, he will proceed to pop a few cherry tomatoes into his mouth. They are tasty and everybody loves them. However our SA will compulsively return to the tomatoes, eating far more than any other guest. Does he love tomatoes? no, he is simply governed by his addiction and can not control his compulsive nature. Tomatoes are tasty, so he cannot stop eating them.

My addiction has also been manifesting itself in everything and anything, aside from forbidden lust.  I rightfully deserve the title מנובל ברשות התורה (see רמב"ן at beginning of פרשת קדושים). Taking what is good in measure, and compulsively filling my desires without any restraint, forethought, or control. The best I can think to do would be identifying the most frequent manifestations of my addictive tendencies, and work on them.
  1. Davening in the 'shteibel', instead of a set minyan. Anything that repeatedly makes me miss my set minyan, I will write down, and consider "a compulsion".
  2. Computer . Between checking email, GYE, and פרנסה prospects, I have payed stiff consequences, as a result of this.


[Reb Yid: I overcame my lust before I met my wife.]

I firmly beleive that much of the greatest material GYE offers can be found by mining both the website, and then only afterwards the OLD POSTS. I waste so much time reading and responding o the new ones, that it serves solely as a chatroom, and hobby. Reading through the website, I derived tremendous chizuk from the translation of "the first day of...".    Firstly, i never fully took advantage of the benefits of "Acountability". I am always ashamed to be viewed on the forum as a failure. 
  Not only do I lack accountability, I also forfeit the benefit of connecting with others, and instead close my self off (much like hiding my head in a shopping bag.... it feels safer hiding, but you suffocate in 15 seconds).

The following segment of the story gave me alot of chizuk: day 415
Part 3: People with particular character traits, such as creativity, love for people and spiritual sensitivity, are more prone to seeking alternate expression for their inner strengths through a strong sexual drive (if these strengths are not channeled in the proper way).

Part 4: When dealing with addiction, it is vital to first stabilize the situation. Only afterwards, is it possible to deepen one's self-awareness and begin to recognize the unique inner strengths that he possesses. Once he understands better his inner qualities and strengths, he can learn to channel them in a positive and constructive manner through proper guidance, prayer and help from above.

When i fist joined the forum, GUARD gave me a remarkable piece of chizuk, he said that I have many kochot and will someday rise-up among klal Yisrael. He sees in me potential greatness, and he's not the only person to have said it. Perhaps i should try finding a focus for my inner potential.

Working on these 2 areas i have begun working on accountability. true I stumbled twice, but I at least recognized what i was about to do. The first time it was a "blurry" and vague recognition that pursuing my compulsion would make me miss my choice minyan. However I forced myself to realize my actions and their effects, and then did it.

the second time it was much clearer, and I spoke-out what i was doing. true i did it, however I can't get a grip on my compulsions until i realize i am being controlled by them.

  Step by step. This year yetzias mitzrayim is going to be hisorerus that will be mashpiah on my personal geulah through the 12steps. And my preparation for pesach will be through GYE.

My addiction takes on many forms, and even lust (yes still). I found myslef spending 3 hours last night trying to find a loophole in Eנתיב. I found 2 of them, but baruch hashem made a contious decision to stop before I actually found anything. To be absolutely honest i did this with my hand freely stroking myself. Am I embarrassed to share this, very. however I know that if I am not totally open i simply will never be "totally" recovering. true I 'can' overcome my lust with ease... but what if I simply want to feel sexual pleasure?                      I am still adjusting to the transition from bachur to avreich, from total abstinence to healthy intimacy. Yet I have yet to draw the line between love and personal lust, and I am prone to being more lax in all the areas I have previously excelled.

    By writing this I feel that my mind is clearing up from the cloud that has been consuming me recently. I knew that my whole life was slowly taking a steep dive into absolute ruin. I had no control over my actions, and acted compulsively and irresponsibly. My married life, and my learning where all taking a major toll, and my whole world was on the verge of ruin. With bein-hazmanim 24hours away, I will try as I might to pull through yet another day drained and 'spent' long ago burnt out.    Yes as anyone may recall me mentioning that I am 'healthy' and stable when I learn well, however these last 2 months have been one long ירידה. But as we saw in egypt that העם היושבים בחושך ראו אור גדול, so will I at this rate.

The מנוחת הנפש that my 12 step journey provides me, is of the most enjoyable parts. I can wake-up every morning knowing the sole thiong that I need to work on. the root of all my many failings, and the foundation for all my future growth. "Today I wake up to change my ruchnius and gashmius להדמות לבורא. I have to be accountable of the actions that I compulsively do. Am I choosing to do an Aveira? no. I am an אונס, in the general picture of things, and MY responsibility in in working the steps, in researching what they entail, and in seeking guidance מדברי חז"ל in every step of the way.

My day has no סדר to it, everything is just a garbled mess of 'coincidences' (כביכול'). Why can't I make it on time to any minyan? Why can't I even show-up on time to learn with my chavrusah... especially when it's my father in law?! My whole life is still careaning out of control!!!

I cannot post daily on the forum, without wasting precious time, so I chose myself the ideal sponsor... my wife.  How can I tell her that I din't want to leave her for davening maariv? how can i tell her that while she took a nap I was on GYE and missed mincha? I can't!!!    so that already forces me to uphold some amount of self-accountability, by limiting my faults to lesser ones....  ;D

i know I will stumble in the process, but my wife values growth over lying and hiding my true self. She can see through the lies, and knows my flaws even when i am too embarrassed to ever admit them! She will be proud of my every 'baby step' and cheer me on.

Old friend wrote on 28 Mar 2011 19:21:

I was sold on the 12-step program from a line from the SA White book, which says that, as part of our addiction, we have learned "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."  That emotional void; unable to get any pleasure out of life, and unable to relate to other people.  I'm trying to work on filling this void, too.

Welcome back, Old Friend,

--Eye.

    I have not actualy been doing the 12 steps since my last post, nor have I been keeping my accountability partner 'fully informed'. why not? because i don't see myself as having a daily problem, and I feel COMFORTABLE with things the way they are. Do I like being like this? no!    But I tend to ignore that, and just let life slip by as a mere cascade of happenstance and randing compulsive decisions.

Has anyone else succeeded in implementing the steps while in a matzav like me?

Just my opinion here, but I think it is unwise to use your wife as an accountability partner for everything.

I think, in general, when warrented, a wife should know in general about our problem--just enough so she can let us use the forum and make the calls or go to meetings.  But not every detail.

I think it's a recipe for Shalom Bayis disaster; it will one day boomerang on you because a wife isn't supposed to be our priest sitting beside us in a confession box.  And of course a husband won't be able to disclose everything to her--for these reasons exactly.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 23 Apr 2011 19:08:

גם אני מצטרף לנ"ל
הגדול לעג וקלס

Old friend wrote on 22 Apr 2011 11:02:


So, then you're not really comfortable with things the way they are.

--Eye.

My addictive tenancies are not manifested in SA or LA or SLA or SSLA or SSLALASA etc. They come to play in the simple things in life. So my wife isn't such a bad candidate. Additionally, by hiding my failures it ha caused more damage than sharing them. Hiding them creates barriers and a perceptive 'herchek' between us, and by sharing them she doesn't look down on me at all.

Correct, but only when I make a cheshbopn hanefesh I am not happy with myself, but how often do i make one, every couple days? not hardly enough. I decided to conform even more to the 'Program' and start reading 12 step material, hopefully this can empower me with the propper mindset the deal and address my old addiction.

It may be that it is worthwhile to treat the compulsion as a whole= consult a
psychologist - perhaps a period of time with medication
maybe filling the void with simcha there are ways other than shteiging to reach
inner happiness
lighten up on yourself - find a permissible pastime that relieves stress
some thoughts to see what fits you
ivdu hashem b'simcha!!