I'd like to welcome you also. I know I am jumping in a little late, but I have been reading, so I wanted to make myself known. While I agree with most of what Tzadik 90 wrote above, I would not think about that at all. Don't consider falling a possibility. If it happens eventually, Chas Veshalom, go back and read what Tzadik 90 wrote. He's on the money. But until then, don't even consider it!!

As far as your goals are concerned, I would not despair about that either. Stay focused on "the next 3 seconds", but keep the long term in mind as well. I don't believe that is a stirah. When doing Shnayim Mikra, our goal is to finish the entire Torah, but we focus each week on 1 parsha. Long and short term goals can coincide with each other. As long as the main focus is on the here and now.

It's also a good idea to prepare an emergency plan for yourself in advance. You are searching for a way to fill the void when acting out seems like a good idea. If there is a plan before hand as to "what to do when I don't know what to do", it is always easier because you don't need to think about it. Have a Sudoku handy. Read Sherlock Holmes. Post. Call Torah Phone and listen to the newest R' Fishel Schachter story. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is easily doable in case of emergency.

Finally, like everyone else said already, Daven, Daven, and Daven some more. Only He can truly help you.

May Hashem bench you with tremendous Hatzlocha in your current journey.
PS - In my signature is a link to a letter the YH once wrote to me. I think it may help you to put your struggle in perspective. Try it!! (Ok. I wrote it. But he told me what to say!!!) 

hi
welcome
salutations

greetings

keep up the good work... you are doing great!

dov.ii

So, we're both on 11 then? Its great that we can do this together and I hope that we can continue.

"How long it can last?" is a no-no around here. Take one day at a time. The YH wants us to think that if we never did it before than we will certainly fail again. As financial brokers qualify their records with the following "past performance is no indication of future sucess." same is true over here. Use the past to celebrate the past 11 days, but dont think about what happens after. Thinking this way has helped me actually see the difference between the new me and the old me. It was amazing to see my new reactions and my ability to overcome the situations that would cause a fall in the past. I wish you the same. Hatzlacha Rabba!

;D ;D ;D
Chevra!! You cannot begin to imagine the chizuk that I felt reading all of your posts today.

Yes, Jew, we are on this journey together. 11 DAYS is a big accomplishment. May we continue to grow together...one day at a time. You are doing amazing and I feel fortunate to have you fighting side by side with me.

Tzaddik and Reb Yid, I hear you both. I am getting the feeling that having dual feelings here is not a stira at all but a deeper understanding of what is going on. Sure, for today there is only today, and the past and future don't matter at all, but Tzaddik your words gave me chizuk about that past falls and a better understanding of how I am doing as well as I am now, and I WILL go back and read your post again should a fall c"v occur. However, for tonight, I will just try to make sure that I go to sleep as clean as I woke up this morning, and tommorow I will start that path again, telling myself what Geshertzarmeod said that "past performance is no guarantee of future results."

Dov.ii -- Great to know that you are checking in on me.

Chevra! How did i get so fortunate to have suce a loving and accepting crowd of yidden caring and reaching out to me. Your accepting me for who i am, with all of my failings, give me the chizuk to start to accept myself...

It's our pleasure.

First of all, it's the right thing to do.

Secondly, others did it for each of us when we needed it most, so it's only right to reciprocate.

Lastly, a bit of advice. Don't think we know so much more than you do. (ok. I'll speak for myself) We are all suffering and struggling as well. We need your chizuk as much as you may need ours. Look around the site and if you see something somebody wrote that you can relate to or help him with, don't hesitate to post. You don't need to be an expert, and posting has helped me to get a deeper understanding of the issues myself.

Hatzlocha!!!

PS - Did you get a chance to read my letter? I know I am pushing it, but I would really like feedback if possible. It means a lot to my ego me.

;)Reb Yid!! READ IT AND LOVED IT. I am in a hurry now so I will wait till next time to write my impressions. And, ah ... you hit the nail on the head... I've been reluctant to post on other threads cause I thought, "who am i Mister just eleven days" thanks for the wake up call!
Will be in touch

Its so nice to have someone holding my hand on this journey.

Keep it up

Ditto to divrei Reb Yid with one addition
because you have a loving aceepting tatte in himmell who cares and reaches out to you and accepts you, and HE sent us, and gave us the ability to help you and HE gives you the ability to start to accept yourself. Thank HIM and Daven to HIM !!!!

Reb Yid,

The letter from the YH that I read last night was really powerful.

Seeing YH as just one of Hashem's soldiers who himself wants us to realize how crazy the urges are and how non sensical it all is to be falling down his path... wow.

Thanks for bringing it to light in such a vivid colorful way-- I don't think I will forget the image of that bruised YH for a while!!

Gesher! Thanks for that comment. The truth is that its part of accepting myself - feeling that I can talk to tatty whenever and that he welcomes my tefilla. I'm working towards that...With His help of course!

And finally, Jew: I hope that you too will be celebrating your bar mitzvah [13 DAYS] at the end of today. lets continue keeping each other strong!

I'm so glad you enjoyed the letter, and I really appreciate the feedback. You may now appreciate my Avatar!!!
It took me a while to find the perfect picture!!!
Hatzlocha!!!

Aaaaah! Now I get it! Thats great!

So I was Bar Mitzvah'd last night. completed 13 DAYS. Today was not as easy as the past 13 days. Suddenly in middle of nowhere an image of me doing something I shouldn't popped into my head. Now its gone. But I still feel the affects of that little "visit" that little brief image, that little glimpse of a world that is veeeeery slippery. Please Hashem, keep me sane. Help me to continue my path.

Hey RS,
Ever play baseball?
That pitcher who throws heat and you are geared up and prepared for it?
Then with 2 strikes he throws you that slow junk breaking sliding knuckling splitting junk?
And you take a weak defensive swing and just barely foul it off?
Well, he learned that pitch from the YH.
And as ong as you foul it off, you live to see another pitch!!!!

Oh. And if you don't know baseball, you'll just have to trust me!! 

Reb Yid is definitely one of those rebbes who goes to play ball on lag baomerwith the class, oh, the journeys song...!.......

Funny, I was also thinking about the journeys song when I read that post! Reb Yid out there coaching the boys, playing catcher Reb Yid you hit it out of the park with your advice and mashal. As your'e out there rounding the bases I am heading to first base. Two Weeks. wow -- it felt good to type that let me do that again TWO WEEKS-- 14 DAYS  !!

Its not getting easier, and I am trying to stay focused on today without all my obssesive wondering how long I can hold out etc. etc.

I do, however, feel clearer headed and alive much more than in a while. I am connecting with my kids, and able to laugh -- and thats really something!

Have a wonderfuly Shabbos and Parshas Parah!!!!!!!!!