rontov wrote on 13 Mar 2012 03:46:
:'( agh - i did not do well today. I was ignoring my prayers and by lunch time i knew what i was going to do - my phone reminds me of the prayer time and so forth - i intentionally ignored it - i am powerless. My YH whispered into my ear all day reminding me of things i did when i was young - reliving it - then i found a computer that was not protected - and i looked - I did not gaurd my eyes - and that woman yesterday who complimented me inappropiately - i mulled it over and over - I want to say i do not talk to women when my wife is not there - i told her ( my wife ) of the conversation - I hate this obscession. i need to put Tefillin in front of my eyes. So i start over now. This instant.
Gevalt! Your burden is way too great to bear, chabibi!
Moshol from the Dubner:
A wealthy fellow gets off the wagon in front of his house and asks a poor, sweet shlepper on the street if he'd like to to make a few bucks carrying his luggage inside for him. The guy says, "sure, it'll be right in."
After a while, hearing the commotion downstairs, the homeowner calls out from upstairs: "That's not my luggage!"
The yiddle calls up and asks him, "How do you know? You can't even see it from where you are!"
He answers, "Because my pekkle is not a huge, heavy burden. It is a manageable valise! Anyone could carry it in. When I heard your grunts and the dragging noises I knew right away that you must be carrying someone else's stuff!" The maggid describes true avodas Hashem as much lighter a burden than we typically make it out to be. And while we are shlepping and grunting and trying so hard to fight and struggle, He calls to us and lets us know, "hey! You are carrying your own pekkle - not mine! Let go of yours and carry mine, instead. It's much easier. And in return, I'll carry yours." He lets us know this by us sensing that we are miserable carrying the other burden, our burden of twisted, self-absorbed yiddishkeit. His burden makes us feel good. Ours breaks our backs. The Sfas Emess says that when Hashem says He is took us out of "beis avodim" He means that He is taking us out of the state in which we must see serving Him as avodas perech. Instead, He makes us His son! A son who loves his father and knows his father loves him, serves his fathers needs and desires with joy...or at least with acceptance. Drop the rock.
You do
not need to remember and focus on 'your davening' all day long. Nobody can do that,
least of all a sexholic or addict or whatever you see yourself as! Why do you demand of yourself an even
higher madreigo than
normal people can carry? Who do you think you are? We certainly aren't greater than normal, healthy people are. And they could not do what you expect of yourself. And certainly not
every day. Easy Does It.
The point of the davening, I believe, is to help you and me spend the rest of our day (between davenings)
focusing on our day. That is, the day that Hashem is giving us today. He is giving you your challenges, your needs, your successes and your failures. He is giving you phone calls to make, things to learn, people to deal with, things to look up on a computer, a job to do, a train to catch, a customer to care for, whatever. Learn to love it. To give it your attention. That is what you should be focusing on: taking the day and living it properly. Not
perfectly of course - but properly, honestly, realistically, sometimes poorly..nu. We are works on progress. But
at least be there in it while it's happening! Porn is just a distraction. Imagine getting lost on the highway to Philly - and ending up in Chicago. It's just plain goofy. And we are prone to exactly that. It's what it means to be us. Hashem can help us accept the day He is giving us with both hands. It's our day. Im lo achshav eimosai, as the sfas emess explains it. Each day is beautiful and has it's purpose, that we are not privy to. Our privilege is to
live it - to
do it. Isn't that good enough?
R' Yisroel Salanter's famous explanation of how the tanna R' Yochanan haSandlar was "meyached Yichudim while he was sewing shoes together": He was trying his best to make the best possible shoes for his customer - he put love into each stitch. "This person will be able to walk with these shoes where he or she needs to go, he will enjoy the shoes, etc." Yes, a tanna put love (which always means, his
full attention) into each stitch...even if his customer was a goy. It's about being present and just living the gift Hashem is giving us for real. Conscious awareness of the truth and acceptance of it in action. Simple action...like eating yogurt, or crossing the street.
Really, simply
being with G-d (be the person a Jew or a goy) - rather than being holy or frum - is the greatest gift of a good shacharis, as far as I am concerned. And if you are a powerless recovering sexaholic like I am, it keeps us sober for today, too! A daily double!
So what do you want? High madreigos - or sanity and sobriety. That is how I see my choice every day. Can't have both. Well, I can't reach to take the madreigos, without losing honesty and sobriety. But Hashem frequently rewards recovering people with the kedusha and madreigos - as long as we know it's all a
gift on loan, and as long as we stay well off the 'ma'alos al mizbechi' (asher lo sigaleh ervoscho olov) of gayvoh and 'accomplishment'.
Good Shabbos! Enjoy!
