I had at some point started the twelve steps and I thought I was making progress but I was very wrong. I think I messed up with step one. I have such a hard time realizing that I have a hard time with it. My ego seems so big that there is no room for Hashem Yisborach but I want to make room...I was hoping/praying/wondering if anyone has any advice on how to start?

Am I supposed to be giving up on the fact that I cant give up because that is how I feel right now. I know that it would take a complete and utter open miracle to save me from this but even before that i think it would take a miracle for me to be at the stage of giving up. So that is how I feel...Like i am giving up the ability to give up and i am asking Hashem to do this for me because between me myself and my computer there is no other way I am going to stop...

I will tell you what I learned on Dov's phone conference (a few rounds ago). Write down your entire acting out history and then share it with someone. It's scary, but very liberating, and the beginning of recovery. It's when we really see how sick we are, and we become willing to let go, willing to admit (really admit, not just in our own heads) that this thing has us beaten. I can't explain it. It just works. Try it.

I'm sure dov can explain it better. You might want to join a phone conference if you haven't already. It is very difficult to work the steps on your own from a book. There is kind of a torah sheba'al peh to it. Also, getting it out into the open with safe people is where the real power lies.

thank you so much i am definitely going to try that and i am on a phone conference with duvid chaim I just feel like I need some type of action to overcome the first step...you know? like it isnt enough just to keep reminding myself that its not in my hands anymore...

Let us know how it goes. It's definitely a game changer.

It really was a game changer and propelled me into at least the beginning of the first step.

I do have a question though. This question with Hashem's help will not keep me from believing/knowing that only He has the ability to save me from where I am headed. Because the fact is that I know from experience that this is the only thing that will help, i.e. unbridled belief that Hashem can do what I cannot. However, I think that although I am doing this and I know this is right beyond any doubt it seems as though I am saying I am a nothing and all my self cannot do anything and that the only way I can succeed is with Hashem. Which I know is factual beyond any doubt, but then what is the point of me? If I cannot do anything and all my actions are irrelevant then, how can that be? I know that what I am saying cannot be true because I know Hashem loves me beyond any doubt. But if He loves me and He is the one stopping me from everything than what is the point of free will? or am I just supposed to ignore every possible philosophical thought and just say hey it works so go with it? That seems like blind faith.

And please tell me if this question I am asking is only coming from my ego trying to stop me from fully giving myself over? Because I know it is hard to be objective with myself and it would be easier if someone just told me I was being stupid.

First of all - GREAT!

Secondly, you are thinking too much.

Thirdly, I would say that your bechira is to "let Hashem in" by letting go of your own ego and doing Hashem's will. Dov always quotes someone as saying "where do you find Hashem? Where you let him in."

Fourthly, you are thinking too much.

But really, I'm glad you did it and are on your way. Over philosophising can just be a way of trying to maintain control. Understanding something gives us a feeling of control over it. Let go of the steering wheel and let Hashem do the driving. Scary - no? But it works!

Its so scary! But i know that it works. and ok I know I am over thinking this and it is only a way for me to try to get a different type of control over my situation...thank you so much for all your help!

Pinchas wrote:

You're welcome! My pleasure