Dear friends,
I now have some perspective to unfurl somethings.
Briefly,
I started SA. I went strong, sober 50 days. Not just that, my sponsor said he'd almost never seen someone understand and relate to the 4th 5th steps as quick as i. And then last week i fell. badly. for two-three days. Thank God. People do the meetings or GYE and remain sober sometimes for even two years, and then fall. Why? So today i met sponsor in the rova. He said it happenned because, of course, i didnt work the program. Specifically, i had moved past step oneand hadn't internalized it enough that i began to live with it like a tatoo.
so, like the white book says, i got sane, and better. and then forgot i have this mental obsession, insane urge. and then i, of course, was no longer in ''program'', slipped, didnt call my calls (ARYEH TAHOR/POSTAL/BB!) and then fell.
I wanted to believe id join SA and never fall again. Thsnk God i did fall, now. I dont want to relapse for 5 years like others. I want to make mistakes now and learn from them now.
If not for the fact that we had a 5th step meeting last week i never would have told people i fell 3 times. my sponsor didnt answer the phone, i didnt leave it on his message machine, and didnt admit it on a phonecall.
sponsor said i should call at least 25 people the next time i want to act out. He said last time he felt that, he actually called 23. He is real. This goy knows he's sick. really sick. And uses it to do program all the time.
Next, sponsor and i were supposed to move onto 2nd step, but he said he asked a sheilah to the famous Mike C of chicago. Mike C paskined that if someone falls, even after many days of sobriety, you cannot do any step other than one for at least thirty days. He said this is because the sponsee (me) still has too much lust and muck craziness ruach shtusskeit in his head to really be able to DO any step after one. So now he (I) has to wait until the druggs clear out of his system.
Then sponsor said: They say in AA, ''i may have one slip left, but i may not have one recovery left''.
All it takes is one stupid error to ruin your life and or s/one else's. because we are really sick. a real illness. so you may be a few steps away from ruin, but my sponsor and i are not. we speak for ourselves. that is our reality. our phisiological reality-yona pollack.
i sat in doctor toast a few days back, eating lechem shum and pesto. and i saw ''sheeirutei beit hasohar'', two jail trucks drive by.
You know what a jail truck is? it trasports people like they move cows. You know who those pople are? people who need to be locked up, because they have no self control. They blew it. game over. like 12 and 12 says, their score cards now read zero.
I dont want to be in jail. I dont want to lose forever. i dont want to learn to hard compulsively again and wind up like the chofetz chaim who couldnt learn for a year, see r' yoshor's artscroll book. i dont want insanity.
i want soundness of mind. and freedom from my hatred, lust, ego, fears, resentment, self ritcheousness, taking, fantasy, isolation.
freedom-if i only let go now, i can begin the process to be free later. every drink i take in through my eyes or in my mind moves me worse, into oblivion, and maybe i wont have another recovery. i may have one last slip, but not one last recovery, god forbid. i dont want to know.
another point from the xstian/jewish sa knessiah ktanah today in the rova:
sponsor said he argued with others in SA what sobriety means (this is absurd bec. its really clear in end of white book, eyin sham), and guess what-my xstian filthy crusading goy rat of a sponsor holds that sobriety is exactly the torah definition. people, and i, used to think that GYE and SA have sep. gdarim for sobriety. on GYE you cant look at p*** and in SA you can.
So goy crusader priest sponsor says he found that if we even dont do shmiras einayim, we wont be sober. he is sober 18 years, and the ''i can put whiskey on my lips but not drink'' doest work, never freed anyone from lust, and didnt lead to real freedom from all bad middos, later steps. He even had a guy in program who argued with him, and the guy even ''eeparone-etrated a whoa!man'', but didnt have an orgaNIsm, and the guy considered himself sober.
is that crazy!!!
the white book say that sobriety is...'progressive victory over lust'. if i was clean 50 days, and fell, its cause i stopped progressing. true.
my mistake was i thought SA wants me to dedicate my whole life to not having sex with one's self. wrong. so i got worse in other things leading up to... and then fell. because i wasnt doing progressive vicory over lust. if im not becoming more kadosh, im getting worse, and maybe just suppressing if not falling. but fall or not, that guy is an ego trip, so he's a creep either way. either way he's a loser in real life.
my mistake was this. alos, my mistake was that i thought my lust came from these feelings of resentment and anxiety, etc. so i worked on these other things. wrong. really, said sponsor and experience, i will always be vulnerable to lust. you dont like me anymore because of that? sorry. its my cheilek from hashem. now, in addition to lust i also have ots of bad middos to work on that directly make life unmanagable and push druggs like lust.
i am not saying i can never be kdosh. i can. see tanya chapter 13-14-015-16.
i can, was, and will be, iyH. but i will also always be vulnerable. the gye handbook has a mashal that mamesh is real life for my wife. she has thyroid, and it is serious, but all she has to do is take her same pill every day the rest of her life. my mind does not need to be filled with bad stuff. god forbid. but i will always be vulnerable, and that is the pshat of once an addict always anaddict.
tam vinishlam in the sfardi shul bisheim borey olam, bichasot pepsi cola
