Chaim, we are all in this together!

You can share with us.

You can release your pent up emotions here.

We don't/won't look down; we are all in the same boat.

WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS!

Thank you guys i am doing terrible. I barely have the time to come to gye. I am so busy with porn.  while waiting for the next site to  load i have been doing some thinking. Every time i have fallen in the past six months it has been do to some stress. In other words i never grew up. When everyone was growing up i was hiding under a rock. I cant cope with life so i go back under the rock. I need to grow up.

What does growing up mean?

Chaim, I love that line. Recently while looking at my high school diary (yes, I kept one) I see that line all over. I JUST NEED TO GROW UP. Well, I never did grow up because I couldn't. I was made by Hashem with an inability to mature until I completely gave up my lust. Today, one day at a time, I can see growth. Sure it is slow at times and when I let lust in it is even slower, but I feel like I am finally going through (in my 30's) what others went through in their teens. Keep Coming Back!

I think growing up for an addict means accepting pain as part of life.  Don't look to medicate and don't jump to the conclusion that there's something wrong with you if you feel pain.  You're not guilty of anything and you're not "not measuring up".  You're just HUMAN.  Pain is part of life for EVERYONE for any number of great reasons.  The reasons are irrelevant for an addict.  The thing that matters is simple acceptance.  It may also help to recognize that Hashem is "responsible" for your pain and He only does things for your good.  So now it's not unfair.  It's just normal.  Learn to live with it and you'll grow up.

SMGW and aaron, those posts were really great, thanks for sharing those

Hello guys i haven't posted in ages. Unfortunataly i had a great big spill. During that fall i really was falling. I didnt want to know or talk to any recovery buddies. With great effort i continued to drag myself to the phone groups. After i had enough i closed up the fences in that had allowed me to fall and began living again. The reasons that caused me to fall were a combination of stresses. These things or other stresses will surely come again so i must prepare myself.
to be totaly honest i must admit that i am powererless against lust the moment i start to look for lust on the computer. I am also powerless to prevent situations that cause me to feel a need for the first drink. I struggle however with being able to admit that i am powerless against a open internet connection. My past history shows that eventualy i fall with a open internet connection. In addion with a open internet connection the fall is always deeper and longer. I find it almost impossible to stop one i started when the lust is freely available. I have come on ocasion to such desparation to stop that i have broken the router and even the computer in order to disconnect from the trance.
In the past when i have been honest, people on the forum were very antagonistic. Since i want to get better i will do it anyway. Although i am powerless over lust i dont feel my life is in tatters by an ocasional fall. In hindsight i see that when i was totaly consumed by lust my life was unmanagable, but the ocasional fall doesent really scare me. Of course it would be nice not to fall, but that doesent make my life unmanagable. I also have found that some survival mechanism has always stopped me from going totaly off the deep end. So i don't feel that fear of the occasional spree.another motivation to stop is the fear of getting caught, but that doesent work for an addict.

I have another problem. I have trouble reaching out. I have lots of recovery friends. The problem is that i dont get the proper response when i share. I get grilled about why i want to act out. What rid is causing the urge to act out. When i am in bad shape and want to act out. I dont have the emotional stamina for a chesbon hanefesh. So reaching out doesent work for me. I do however particapate in phone groups thrice a week. The problem with these phone groups that since they dont meet daily like dc the group lacks the same bonding.

At the same time sharing on the forum and on the phone still takes me out of reality. I am still making a part of my life secret and not real. The people on the forum are still faceless shadows that i have never met. The best thing for my recovery is when i confess to my wife my fears resentments etc. When i call my wife and tell her how my day went i am living and i feel the freedom.
The problem with my wife is she doesent realy know what i want from her. So she will somtimes encourage the resentment. She will tell me im right etc.
Anyways thats my story.

That was a great post Chaim.  I'm no expert, but I suppose continuing to write your feelings and emotions, either here or not, will be helpful.
One minor suggestion.  Don't only reach out to recovery friends when your falling.  Try it as well when your feeling good and nothing's bothering you, in order to gain a level of comfort and reassurance to when you really need help -  maybe  :-\

Are people using fake names on the phone also?  I would encourage  you to just call people who are willing to be real.  You could also try going to in person meetings.  They are much maligned here as last stop efforts for the most depraved maniacs around but that is really a gross miss-caricaturization. 

I think the meetings are the single most powerful tool available in recovery and far too many people are held back by a closed-mindedness that prevents them from really recovering from this addiction and connecting with life.  Meetings can give us the ability to connect with another human in a setting that allows for 100% total honesty about those parts of our lives and thoughts about which we feel most vulnerable.  No one is ever criticized.  What we say is not commented on.  We are just heard and accepted wherever we are at the moment.

Anyways I'm always happy to talk to other addicts in an open non-anonymous way.

Hatzlacha

Dear Chaim,

We'll talk. Please call.

Dov

Hello guys the admin says that I haven't posted in 120 days. My gosh! I can't believe that its been so long. The reason I haven't been on the forum isn't a good one. I just wanted to be able to to what I wanted. So I distanced myself the forum first by deleting all my old posts and changing my user name. I therefore created a situation that I had no makom on the forum. I then stopped making calls. I put myself in isolation from any recovery situation. Some Tzadok eventually reached out to me and is dragging me back. so here I am. I hope I will stay around.
good night

Hi, great to see you back
please stay
you add a lot to the forum
wishing you the best
zs

Hashem is so nice to me!

I was hoping that you will come back! I missed you soooo much!

I thank Hashem for leading you back!



(P.S. He was the one who was with you all along too! As I saw yesterday from Dov, He has an unlimited amount of Matnas Chinam. He can give us Matnas Chinam even when we are deep in the addiction! we didn't deserve/earn everything that He did for us until now either. We ask to please continue...)