rebbe b,
we have the hora, kazatchka, classic middle-age hold-hands-and-shuffle-feet-in-a-circle, and now the Possum Tantz!
mazel tov, tizke legadlo ulechancho letorah ulemasim tovim!

Reb mailichs tants

Tchias hamaisim tants

Debka

Hakoofis

Mitzvah tants

Mezhinka tants

Slow motion gedolim in the middle tants

Yeshivish guy hogging the middle tants

Kallah coming to the chassans side. Chassans freinds acting drunk tants

Purim tants

Chassal siddiur pesach slippers tants

DAY 10

B"h still truckin' down the GYE-90.

Shabbos -for the first time in a long time -I felt like a Yossel among Yosselach, instead of feeling like a wolf in sheep's clothing or 'Ah Goy Tzivishen Yidden'. I must emphasize that this negative feeling would accompany me in the best of times as in the worst of times. My actual behavior was irrelevant. I could not have acted out in a month, two, a year...it made no difference. Even if I had gone a year free of porn, I still felt filthy on the inside. Because my triggers were all over the place. And I didn't know how to handle them.

Didn't know how to handle them? "What are you talking about? That's a no-brainer -Just don't look!" said the average Yossel inside my head. "Hirhurim? Start thinking about something else"! And all along I thought that was the Yetzer Tov's voice. So I tried, and sometimes I succeeded, and sometimes I fell.

And then I came here, and I realized that that 'average Yossel' inside my head wasn't the Yetzer Tov at all. It was just the YH in camouflage, trying to distract me from the real problem and the real solution. Thus -for me- milchemes hayetzer was not the address. I wasn't fighting against the right enemy, and I wasn't using the right tactics. But once I got a hold on the GYE attitude and started trying to live accordingly it, the name of the game has changed.

Whereas before GYE when my head was bombarded by hirhurim, I would start using all the eitzos in the book to keep them out of my mind, even if I was successful -I was worn out and bitter at the end of the day. Even if when walking in the street I succeeded in guarding my eyes -I felt dirty all over, and mad as H***, resentful of the inconsiderate world around me. I was busy fighting with MYSELF!

When I would turn to Hashem and ask him for 'help', I was asking Him on my own selfish terms. Now I know how ridiculous I sounded then. I must have sounded something like this:

"Ribbono Shel Olam, you know this whole business is just not fair! You know how much I've cleaned up my act! Don't I deserve to be just like everyone else around me? Es Past Duch Nisht for a yungerman like me to be caught up in such an intense battle".

Ay, Anavah? What do you mean? I know exactly what a sleaze bag i am inside, I'm faaaar from Ga'avah!

And I really was far from Ga'avah in that sense. I felt I that I had a real broken heart from all my battles with the YH. I felt old and isolated. I envied my friends, especially those younger than me, for having a clean past and a clear future. So where was my Ga'avah?

I thought that I was in control, and I asked Hashem for help on my terms. And now I  know that the minute that that's your approach, Hashem tells you: "Gezunterheit Sheifele, here's some spending money; have a nice trip and don't forget to call when you feel that you need Me!". And off I went on my roller-coaster ride... way off. Sounds like fun, no?

But today I realize that this is the struggle that has characterized history since the Etz HaDaas, through the Dor HaHaflagah, and especially Paroh, who I think is the role model for all addicts. Moshe warns him every time, his threats are never empty, and Paroh is willing to suffer whatever it takes; as long as he can keep screaming: The Nile is mine and I am its creator. Paroh deified himself and claimed to be the almighty creator of the world and the owner of all it contains. Paroh was willing to suffer and let his nation suffer and die out, to lose his property, to be deprived of food and drink, to be annihilated -ANYTHING as long as he didn't have to admit that he is powerless, and that Hashem rules!!!

If that's not the portrait of an addict, what is?

The question is always the same: Who's in charge, Man or G-d?

Since coming here, I've learnt something that my Rebbes might have tried to teach me, but apparently I wasn't successful in putting into practice -that an eved Hashem is one who submits himself and all that he possesses to G-d -including his struggles. I learned that instead of struggling to fight the 'Hirhurim' and what have you, instead of talking to the YH and telling him "Buzz off!" in seventeen different inflections...all I had to do to merit a bit of divine assistance is switch the broken record (yes I still remember those, those, those, tho  ---  ), and say "RBSO I can't deal with this, it's too much for me and I can't control it...here, please take care of it because only You can"!

And He says, "Yingele, I've been waiting to here you say that for twenty five years. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that roller-coaster riding, but I think that you'll admit that if that's what it took to get you to realize that I'm the Boss... it was well worth it! It was your bechirah to be stubborn as a mule -I am Omnipotent, but I can't let Myself deny you your right to free choice, for your own good. And if you stick with Me, those nightmarish days and nights are over."

Another thing, all of a sudden -in every Sefer Chassidus I open -I now understand what they're saying when they talk about how the sin of Ga'avah leads to the depths of depravity. I have a new understanding of the Ma'mar Chazal 'Ayn Ani VaHoo Yecholim LaDoor BeKfifah Achas' and Middah Tovah Merubah.

And now I (think that I) understand what bardichev used to write before his signature:

Humbled and Happy,

Ben Durdayah

admonimous wrote on 09 Jan 2011 11:42:

ben durdayah wrote on 09 Jan 2011 12:54:


I think it's distasteful to quote myself, but how's about this for Hafatzas HaMa'ayanos. (for Chabadskers=Mayonnaise).

Wow ben wow ! that was some post! I think you summed up the whole story with that post.
Shkiach

Which post?

The first one or the second one?

both!  ;D

One zibbetter in the chalmir kretchmer and u have the whole mehalich

Do u need more bnai darom pickles

Lukshin

Feffer

Arak

777

Matltstar

Petel

Kremmbo

Babma

Chalva

Chocolate spread

Frozen borrekkas

Let me know

A possum or two

A novordikker nigguinim record cd tape empeetree

Shtech Nisht...

You're just pointing out that all those things can be found in the local Makolet....

But there's no Woodford around for the having.

Must be an Arab conspiracy.

KOT,

EBD

PS BTW -recognize that little furry guy in my new bild?

Ich kik nisht oif bilder

Hahahahahahahahahahaahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Nu Come on...

Vehr iz der kleine sheretz'l inter meine geile kestelach?

No drein zich ois...

I'll give you a hint...

It's not a rat from the NYC subways...(the rats in the subways are much bigger...)

its a shtreimel bchaim chayeeysoi-

Yuh Yuh, ubber vi azoi heist de Chaya'le?

S'nisht Soibel ind S'nisht Marder...

si geven erter vuss men hut yeh gentzt dee sheretzl possum