:'( Although I've had my ups and downs over the years, and some long streaks of abstinence from any P*** or M***, I never got off the roller coaster. Not that I think that I'm the most far gone person here as far as the quality and quantity of the shmutz, still I know that this is an addiction that never left me and never will if I do nothing about it.

This morning i thought of a mashal (someone else might have used it already, but for me it was a moment of clarity from heaven): A temporary bout with the YH about lust and P*** etc. is like a strep throat -take your antibiotics, drink fluids, rest up and it'll go away; if you don't catch the bacteria again -you're cured, and it's gone. But when the struggle for kedusha keeps on being just that, and with the slightest slip -you feel that you've lost control and your actions show that even years of self restraint didn't do the job (like ridin' a bicycle -ya never forget how to; same thing goes for sewage surfing...) that my friends is like Rachmana Litzlan Lo Aleinu V'lo Aleichem 'Yennerr Machla', and not the kind that attacks at first a specific organ or is operable; rather like the kinds of Yenner Machla in the blood -the best they can do is put it in remission, but it's there to stay -and when Chalila V'chas it's active -there's no limit to the damage it can do and the places that it will show up in. Same goes for addiction to Shmutz.

What's the point of this whole tirade? ... to be continued in the next installment (because it's too hard to type without seeing what your doing and I've filled the window and now it's dancing the Hora and making me dizzy...).

Well, a few days ago I joined this site in order to break free of the addiction once and for all. I made that decision after a few nefillos that culminated in a 'binge' of surfing. After two days of cleanliness and getting ready to try for the big 90, I had a bad nefillah last night. Instead of heeding the advice of my newfound friend bardichev "turn off the computer, lein KS bekavannah, ask Hashem for help go to sleep", I was oiver on 'bal tosif'- instead of going to sleep, with a palpitating heart and sweaty hands, like someone walking off of a cliff with open eyes -I started surfing for sewage, couldn't stop myself until about 4:30 AM, and finally dropped off to bed... you can imagine what went on there...Hashem Yerachem. Suffice it to say I didn't exactly sleep like a baby and even when I dozed off I was acting out (I wonder if it's considered bemayzid when you're semi-conscious).

OKAY, you're all saying...Are you writing this here just to disgust us, or to wallow in self pity? The answer is NO with a capital N and a capital O. Unlike after most of my falls when I find myself totally frozen and dismayed, wallowing in yiush and atzvus -i decided that I have to get with the program and work with the site. I must note that this is far from hitting 'actual' bottom -I think that I can count the number of times that I M*** bemayzid and the times that I surfed for sewage without even taking off my shoes and socks -but it's enough for me. I know that this is addiction, and therefore I want to try and work the steps; and I have to change my attitude -because I'm very predisposed to falling into yiush and atzvus. Apparently I have a problem with Emunas Chachomim, because when I need chizuk, I'm sure that all of the wonderful words that I am familiar with from the Seforim Hakedoshim aren't referring to a jerk like me.

Since it's been years since I had so much HOZ"L in one night (in the past few years I've always caught myself after the first incident, here I acted out of yiush, and was semi-conscious) I was stunned by the 'enormity' (some might think I'm exaggerating) of the night's deeds -especially since I just started on what was supposed to be a journey of 90-life -I felt overwhelmed...'Gadol Avoni Minsoe?'. That's why I decided to write these posts, to help myself up after the nefillah and not fall deeper into the rut.

Instead of wallowing in bed out of depression, I decided that I would wake up at a reasonable time and made some kabbalos, and that's the main point of this long winded post -I think maybe others might get a toeles from these ideas:

A. After a nefillah, or when I'm feeling down, I will try bl"n to find three good things that I did after the fall, and I will post them here (l'kayem Likuttei Mohra"n Torah 282 Azamrah, and no I am not at all a Breslover).
For example: 1. I woke up b'msirus nefesh even though I could be depressed, and am certainly tired after being up almost all night 
serving the YH. Now I will get up and serve Hashem. 2. I went to the Mikvah (so what if I do that everyday -it's still a good thing). 3. I hurried up to daven with an earlier minyan even though it cost me my pre-davening coffee. 4. I davened Shacharis -as poor quality as it may have been -it's a lot better than the alternative...(i.e. not davening, not that this is a real alternative for me personally, but it shows me the value of my tefillah no matter what).

B. I will bl"n focus on the huge rachamim and chasadim of Hashem Harotzeh Bis'shuvah who is Chanun HAMARBEH Lisloach. I will bl"n introspect in at least some of the countless pesukim which we say every day which describe His endless Rachamim even for Poshim. After all, what does it mean when we say Yud Gimel middos after Shemoneh Esrei... aren't we arousing his Rachamim on a level which (for most of us, even if we've gone through Tomer Devorah a number of times) is totally incomprehensable? About whom and what aveiros is this said if not us Yidden and these Aveiros.

Also, we have to remember -although the enormity of this sin is explicit in Gemara, Zohar Hakadosh, and Sifrei Yirah - still -in Torah Shebichsav it's only mentioned B'remez and is therefore not counted even as an esei by any of the Monei Hamitzvos; ולא ניתנה לאזהרת מלקות, מיתת בית דין,  מיתה בידי שמים. True, V'lo Sasuru and Shemiras HaEynayim is a Lav, still it's a Lav SheAyn Bo Mayseh and there's no malkus for it (see Pischei Teshuvah in the beginning of Choshen Mishpat Siman Lamed Dalet that the Acharonim say that this is an indication of lower severity). Therefore, as terrible as it is, and as hard as it is to be mesaken BeShorsho HaElyonah since it's pogem in really high places  -All you have to do MeIkkar Hadin is TESHUVAH -charatah, azivas hacheit, and kabbalah al he'asid; and focus on the severity of the Aveiro BEFORE your next fall (you shouldn't know from tzuress...). It's not like Ba al HaErvah V'holid Mamzer, which is both an aveira which carries missas bes din kares or missah biydei shamayim as per the tzivui of the Torah (wheras missah biydei shamayim of HOZ"L is inferred from the story of Eir and Onan).

DISCLAIMER: I only wrote this for those who like me tend to fall into Atzvus and Yi'ush -Chalilah not to detract from the severity of the aveirah -that I feel with all the emptiness that is left in my poor soul after a fall B'Poiel Mamesh and needs no Ra'ayos; anyone whose fallen feels how severe this is.

C. Since I purport to be a chasid I will bl"n try to learn at least a short limud of Toras Haba'al Shem Tov to be mechazek the Kesher.

D. I wil bl"n l try to stop focusing on the damage that I'm doing to my parnossah, learning, children's chances for hatzlachah etc. -all of that isn't really dependent on me at the end of the day, rather it's dependent on Rachmei Hashem -which is Eyn Sof. I will try to start focusing on the damage I'm causing to my relationship with Hashem and to my Neshamah.

E. I will bl"n try to stop worrying that my p'nimiyus doesn't live up to other's expectations of me based on their view of my chitzoniyus, and start trying to build a p'nimiyus based on Hashem's expectations from me.

F. I will bl"n try not to dwell on the past and worry less about the future. I will bl"n try to live this minute as well as I can.

I have more  to say but this is already too long as it is.

May G-d have mercy on my soul.

It is obvious from your beautifull posts that You are a thinking and introspective person. You are also a tc . I want ask you a small question. It is a question with two parts. If you were a goy married with a good wife woud you want to continue the way you are? which avera did you recently stop due to yiras haonesh eg lashon haro its also a terrible avera wich is counted by the mone hamitzvos

FELL SHMELL!!

Keep on trucking!


Likatchilla arribber

Bardichev: Thanks for the chizuk, I thought you'd be pretty fed up with me...

Star: As for your questions:

PART 1: If  my grandma had wheels, she'd be a bus....

Actually, if I was a Goy ch"v I doubt I would have a wife at all, and I would probably be a lot worse off than I am today. Of course there are goyim who realize what the etzem addiction does to them and do something about it -but I don't think that I would fit into that group. Besides, if I were a goy, today I would probably be....something that this respectable venue doesn't have to hear (דבר שאין נייר או מסך מחשב כשר סובלתו).

PART 2: I see that I wasn't clear enough, V'ha Ra'ayah -I was misunderstood.

The schar, onesh, classification of the aveirah IS NOT connected to my motivation to refrain, which is not machmas yiras ha'onesh. The entire purpose of the classification which I made is as an antidote to the YH's bekius in the Ma'amarei Chazal which put forth the chomer Ha'aveirah. Or as the Shla"h HaKadosh said about those who say there is no teshuvah for HOZ"L: אין אלו חסידים, אלא חסרים. The Y"H uses my disposition to judge myself harshly in order to make me feel terrible about myself, and in such a frame of mind I am in no position to fight with him. Therefore, even though the truth stated about HOZ"L in the sefarim hakedoshim is not changed by the fact that it isn't counted as one of the Taryag Mitzvos -still there is much significance to the fact that it is not mentioned outright in the Torah. Although the Tanya (end of Perek Alef of Igeres HaTeshuva) counts it together with כריתות ומיתות בית דין, he clearly distinguishes between those that are mentioned clearly in the Torah and those which are not, and I quote:

See the Hemshech there.

BD!!
You can't look back

It makes no diff how u got here


Don't think in to it

Don't worry about any teshuvah or tikkunim


Just move along!!

B

I hope i wasnt insulting. I just want you to be clear with yourself exactly why you wish you could stop. Could you write in english where the tanya is. I dont have hebrew characters.

Bardichev: In Hachei Nami, the shmooze about chomer ha'aveirah is for when I've reached stability -then we can talk about tikkunim. It comes in here because I davka have to focus on the other bechinah (aspect), which is that the Teshuvah and Mechilla on Hashem's pasrt is as simple as us saying Slach Looney (Or Slach Lanu) as the Tanya points out there when it comes to Mitzvas esei: Eino Zuzz MiSham Ad Shemochalim Lo. The tikunnim, Ritzuy, and final Kapparah are ad eyn sof v'eyn tachlis... as you can see, the Mekubalim never get tired of the Aneinu L'rashash- Ay they said it yesterday (or last week, or every week of Shovavim for years) -this is all contingent in the person's present madreigah.

At this point in time I need to regain my sanity and get stable. And in order to do so, I have to stop hating myself -after all is it worth it to knock yourself out to recover for some slimeball whom you hate? Which is why the YH 'conveniently' remembers how terrible the aveirah is, and how defiled and depraved and hopeless I am.

The chiddush is, that with Hashem's help this is the first time in at least twenty years of struggle that I didn't feel totally flat line depressed after the fall; due to the new 'tude that I decided to try and adopt. But more importantly, the ability to put it in writing and share it with others enables me to internalize the ideas that I have been aware of for years, but never managed to access when I desperately needed them.

Frum: The Tanya is at the end of the first perek of Igeres Hateshuvah. See also the beginning of Perek Dalet, where he asks the famous Kashya on the Zohar HaKodosh how could it possibly be that Teshuvah doesn't help for this aveirah, 'V'ayn Lecha Davar HaOmeid Bifnei HaTeshuvah Afilu Giyluy Arayos U'Shfichas Damim'. He continues to explain the subject at length, first quoting the Reishis Chochmah's answer that there's a difference between Teshuvah EEla'ah and Teshuvah Tatta'ah and then expounding on these concepts.

As for my motivations, I reall feel that living on this rollercoaster has made my life unmanageable and much less productive than it could potentially be. Oh and the fact that I'm miserable instead of happy most of the time.

And no, I was not at all offended.

ben durdayah wrote on 30 Dec 2010 17:45:


I can relate to this very well and I have enjoyed your posts very much

it is also hard to fully understand the importance of inner simcha and the terrible danger of "yiush",and I see clearly now that the critical judge that is internally within me is mostly the yetzer horah,and not the healthy "wake up and see reality" type of awareness.

Baruch Hashem Yom Yom, I'm doing fine and i'm feeling good.

Friday and Shabbos were clean B.H., and that means that as of 6 AM today I am starting bez"h day #4, which means that I can move myself over to the WOH.

Baruch Hashem I didn't feel much outright temptation over the past few days, and I was matzliach to turn to Hashem in my heart several times asking him to take the bad 'cheishek' from me and replace it with a yearning for Him (i.e. ruchniyus).

Although when I started davening minchah erev Shabbos I had a bit of an inner struggle (I guess the words of 'Hodu LaHshem...Yomru Na Geulei Hashem' hit a bit close to home...) and I wasn't able to throw myself into the davening, by the time we got to Mizmor Shir LeYom HaShabbos Hashem helped open my heart and my mind. I would like to share some thoughts about this with the Chashuve Oilam.

There is an interesting Medrash which states (more or less as follows): Adam HaRishon was taking a walk one day, and he met his son Kayin. Naturally, he struck up a conversation with his Ben Yakir:

"Kayin! Long time no see! What's news? How did things work out with the RBS"O? After all you are the first person ever charged with homicide...let alone fraternicide."

"Baruch Hashem, Baruch Hashem...." says Kayin.

"Say What?", wondered his dad.

"Yeah, well you see, I did teshuvah, and Hashem pardoned me".

The Medrash says that upon hearing his son's words Adam thought to himself: Wow! I didn't know how great the power of teshuvah is!
Immediately, Adam prostrated himself before Hashem and started screaming "Mizmor Shir Leyom Hashabbos! Tov Lehodos LaHashem!"

If I'm not mistaken the Remez in the passuk is: 'Hashabbos' (השבת) contains the root word of 'Teshuvah' (תשב). So Adam's song of the of Shabbos actually refers to the power of Teshuvah as well. In the next passuk, he says "Tov Lehodos LaHashem" 'Lehodos' can also be understood as 'to confess' and is the root of 'LeHisvados' (להתוודות). Adam Harishon who brought death upon the whole world -and anyone who has ever stumbled and feels that he has destroyed his own little world -can sing to Hashem with intense emotion! Just confess your sins to Hashem (even though He knows what you did without your confession)! Come clean, and be pardoned...Throw yourself at His feet! Tell him how little and scared you are, and that you want to give your cheshek to him. By doing so, you have given him a place to enter your life, and you will be overcome by the desire to sing to Him 'Alei Asoor V'alei Navel, Alei Hogayon BeChinor...Ki Simachtani Hashem BeFa'alecha..." Hashem, you have caused me true simcha....How? 'BeFa'alecha' -with that which only You can do, by accepting my teshuvah...

The relevance of the entire perek to Teshuvah "LeHaggid BaBoker (in times of light and clarity) Chasdecha; Ve'Emunascha BaLaylos (remaining faithful and believing in the chessed Hashem even in dark times when I'm confused; even when I've stumbled and fallen, I'll remain faithful to Hashem and try to do what's right this minute).

There is another gevaldige yesod here that I would like to share with the oilam, IY"H it will wait for a different time.

A Gitte Voch! See you on all on the WOH...and may Hashem keep us there forever,

Ben Durdayah   

Okay that was a nice little post  .

Now back to reality.... >.

Here we are truckin' down I-90 (WOH) in our tractor trailer, passing the 3 mile marker (YAY!) and suddenly on the way to Maariv, I hear that familiar noise starting up there from under the hood. But now, as a member of the GYE team, I know what to do when that happens: pull off in the nearest rest area, but don't get off the I-90, open the hood and see what's going on in there before it winds up forcing me to stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere, between exits where I don't have reception on my CB or cellphone.... Okay, maybe I'll grab a cup of joe while I'm here...

Here's what I did:

A. By Krias Shema I remembered that this is what we mean when we say 'Bechol Levovicha'- with your Yetzer Tov and your Yetzer Hara - RBS"O You're the one who gave me this YH, You're the one who can teach me and help me to channel my lust to the place where you intended it to be -cheishek for Torah and Avodas HaShem; 'BeChol Nafshicha -even if he takes your life'- even if giving your lust over to G-d has the taste of absolute death - and BH, I must say I'm not there now -just a slight unidentifiable tickle. And so on and so forth the rest of davening.

B. I realized that I must be starting to feel some gaavah over the fact that I've been clean for a few days now -and it really feels great to be clean even though it's only been a few days. So I reminded myself how little self-control I have shown in these areas in the past -even very recent past -and that my life has become unmanagable on my own. Therefore I acknowledge my limitations and turn to HaShem and place myself, my addiction, and all of my problems in His hands -because if I stop trying to play His role and control my life - I am allowing Him to enter my life, giving Him a place in my heart -and only in this way do I allow Him to help me, and ONLY He can help me and He CAN help me.


C. If Chas VeShalom I should feel even the slightest turn for the worse in my thought patterns I will not hesitate to spill my guts HERE. Because this is a place where I feel comfortable among people who seem to care about people like me.

Okay, that was a good pit-stop..even the johns are clean...time to get back on I-90.

Breaker 1-9 Breaker 1-9....Whoops I forgot...those CB channels are full of shmutz...almost as bad as the net!

Is there a channel GYE on CB radio?

Keep on TRUCKIN'

Still truckin' here on day five...

When I said "Acheinu kol Beis Yisroel etc." this morning I thought about all of you guys here....

And of all the guys who aren't yet here...

And I thanked G-d that I'm in the first group.

So long for now, and KOT with a

E. Ben Durdayah

my 100 dollar bill finally has some competition!

i like this 'Ben' much better

your posts are really great, great mix of the serious issues and a healthy dose of not taking yourself too seriously, please keep 'em coming

EBD
You are doing just fine!!

Keep on doing what u r doing

No slowing down

Don't look around

Don't get bogged down

Kot

Wow! the Rebbe Alayn in my own little Hoif!!! I don't know if you can even call it...yikes...a pub! For shame!

Zemmy: To be Frank(lin) If you like this 'ben' better than your old ones....please feel free to leave them over here on your next visit; I don't know why, but the Rebbe seems to like them more than the other papierne .

I want to share with you all a post I had written on a different thread, which IMHO shocked me, I couldn't believe that these words actually past the threshold of my keyboard (me? little old self critical me? writing such things? brrrrrr...the YH would turn over in his grave if he could see this...may he reach his grave bimheyra biyumeinu ooomain):


On the one hand, I hear what you're saying...

On the other hand, I think that being a 'faker' is not determined by the fact that a person has issues which are not reflected in his chitzoniyus. A 'faker' is called a 'tzavua' by Chazal, someone who acts as Zimri and demands the rewards of Pinchas. A Yid -as far as he might have fallen in the past -who has the humility to take stock of his life and admit that he is powerless in controlling lust, and finds that his life has become unmanagable because lust has been controlling him, and therefore wants to give over the reins to Hashem, and do what he has to to deal with his issues, is no longer living a double life. Not everyone who has killed someone CH"V in the heat of passion is a 'Murderer'  and not everyone who hasn't killed someone in a year is an ex-murderer (just wait 'till he gets out, he gonna @#$#% that @#$#@ who got him in this #$^$#% jail....'nuff said). What you have done is not necessarily the essence of who you are, it's the YH who wants to convince you that your essence is bad...

If you wind up 90, or even 9889 days and then fall CH"V then you're not a faker, but today you're a faker until you hit the 90? Is the 90 day journey the end or the means to a bigger end? As long as we're on the road away from those things that USED TO make you FEEL like a faker -we are for real, the YH is a faker!

Such a Yid realizes that he has truly acted in Zimri style, and is not asking for Pinchas type rewards...He just wants to stop doing Zimri style things no matter what...even though he might slip and fall on the way...Is he a faker?

Is he a 'faker' just because Zimri and Pinchas wear the same style clothing (black yarmulke, hat, jacket, and pants, white shirt of course...shape and length of which depends on who you associate with !) ??? Who says that he is a faker -Pinchas on the outside and Zimri on the inside? The only time someone is a 'faker' is when he is faking himself out. And if other people view you in a positive light, why does that have to bother you per se? Au contraire, let it be a standard for you to meet.

Do people with other issues feel a need to share them with the general public? Is a seriously ill person (you know which machlah I mean) who tries to conceal his ill health from the public considered a faker?
If you've started on the GYE path, the first thing you need to get is the GYE attitude -it's different from the one you might have had until now, but it's quite contagious.

YOU ARE NOT A SICKO! YOU ARE NOT A WIERDO! YOU ARE NOT A SHAYGETZ!

AND YOU ARE NOT A FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU ARE HASHEM'S CHILD, YOU'VE BEHAVED IN A WAY WHICH MAKES A MESS OF YOUR LIFE, AND YOU'RE LOOKING TO CHANGE. YOUR MIND HAS BEEN RAVAGED BY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR, AND YOU WANT TO HAVE IT REWIRED.

And you've come to the right place.

So keep the name if you want, change it at 90 if you want, but you're Jewish and you're not a faker.

PS It's good I only have two hands.... KOT!!!