Okay, I know that this might drive everyone away from this thread, but it's time to talk Tachlis before the Guard moves it from "Break Free" into "Just Having Fun". So here we go:

DAY 6

Here are two things which I have learned over the past 24 hours:

THING ONE
After reading so many posts on GYE I thought I knew what a 'trigger' is. Right? A trigger is the way the YH lures me into the pattern of self-destructive behavior. I'm not sure if that's the right definition, but even if it is, that just means that until now I was learning with Rashi or maybe Tosafos. An experience yesterday showed me how to understand the concept of 'trigger' with R' Chaim (or maybe even R' Baruch Ber); Or for you halacha buffs let's just say I went from Taz and Shach to Pri Megadim and if your Litvish let's just say that I moved from Mishnah Berurah to Beiur Halachah; And if you're into P'nimiyus HaTorah -Kabballah or Chassidus -I had a Yedi'ah Sichlis and I was zocheh to transform it into Hasagah....

OKAY ENOUGH BABBLING

A trigger is a situation, word, ANYTHING which a normal person takes at face values and keeps in proportion. An addict -due to his warped neuron patterns -takes it totally differently and way out of proportion and is led by his addictive pattern K'yad HaDimyon HaTovah Alav. I know what you're all saying. This idiot kept us in suspense to tell us something that we all already know?

No, I'm not. I'm just sharing my 90 day-Life (this depends, my sentence can be renewed for good behavior) Journey with you gitte breeders at GYE. What I'm trying to tell you all is that before starting this interesting journey -with it's wonderful scenery - in 34 years I NEVER NOTICED what exactly doing everyday normal things and experiencing everyday normal sensations DID to me! Being here and paying attention to my cleanliness -or perhaps due to  my newfound cleanliness -has made me AWARE. I said to myself, "What on Earth makes you get from point A (a mundane sensation) to point B (i.e. http//www.****.co.hell/pics/stories). And suddenly I knew....I had %@(#* up my mind big-time in the past, and I no longer am there BH.

When I felt something was trying to pull me towards 'memory lane', I turned to Hashem and said, "Your turn, I'm not capable of handling this mishegass", and he did -but as people say, "G-d helps those who help themselves" -so what did I do? I started putting these things (feelings, sights) in their proper context! For instance, I told myself, "You only feeling/ doing/ seeing thing Y (or Z or A, it's really not that important). This 'trigger' effect won't last as a knee-jerk reaction forever, just keep on truckin' one mile at a time".

I think that I'm starting to understand this addiction business after all.

THING TWO

I have realized that my frustrating battle with Shmiras HaEynayim is not a fight with the YH over whether or not I will look at the woman. I have learnt that certain styles of women are simply a 'trigger'.... IT'S NOT THE LOOK, IT'S NOT THE SECOND LOOK, IT'S ALL IN MY S****** UP HEAD!

That's right...I NEVER looked, even seeing would plunge me into a feeling which I couldn't explain to myself. It was a cross between rage and helplessness, longing and disgust. After all, I wasn't imagining the actual act with these women. And even if I didn't dwell on the sight I would have such inexplicably strong feelings. At some points in my life when things were going good for me, I actually thought, "WOW! This must be what Pinchas felt! I am soooo holy that seeing those women who don't give a hoot what the Rabbanim have to say about Tznius burns me up and makes me really MAD L'sheim Shamayim (good thing I didn't have a spear back then)!".

Even if a little voice inside of me (probably the Yetzer Tov, maybe the remnants of my sanity, possibly the Guard sending subliminal messages through Kol-HaLashon; or a combination of the three) said, "If you're so holy, how do you fall when given the slightest opportunity to surf the net into the rawest sewage of depravity?".

I had a standard self-righteous answer ready in a jiffy, "No, you see -it's THEIR fault that I fall that way...You know what R' Yisrael Salanter said about when a Bachur in Slabodka is mevatel Torah for five minutes a Maskil in Paris lights a cigarette on Shabbos. Same thing...an inch in the skirt, a millimeter of thickness in the stockings, a sheitel that no Orthodox Rabbi ever would (should) give a hechsher on, a careless laugh which came out a little too loud -and there you have it, Instant Innocent Avrech turns to P*** out of frustration (How Nifty! Just add WIFI and he's ready in five minutes and busy for fifteen hours...!)".

Now, either my YT isn't that sophisticated, or -more probably - HE REALIZED THAT THERE WAS NOONE LEFT TO TALK TO IN MY HEAD and left this topic alone!

BUT

If I were him, knowing what I do today (and didn't a couple of days ago), I would have told me, in a quiet but firm tone, "Did you hear what you said? You said that in this area you're the Maskil, and she's the Slabodka bachur!!! She is 90% tzniusdik and YOU are one sick young man!".

But today I know that there is a cure. And it goes something like this:

I  admit that I am powerless over the addiction - that my life (my lies) had become
unmanageable.

I came to believe that a Power greater than myself (my-selfishness) could restore me to
sanity.

And I started posting here on GYE.

I hate myself.

I love you guys.

EBD, thanks for sharing
by writing things down you gain and we gain
keep up your great work

Thanks,

I'm telling you, that long look in the mirror almost got me depressed...

until I remembered that that was then (no matter how recent then was) and this is now...

And my truck has no rear view mirror in that way anymore. Just got miles and miles of clear tarmac in the windshield on the GYE-90.

And no clouds in the sky above the GYE stadium. The bat's in my hands now. And Im gonna try and knock it out of the park with the Holy Coach holding my hand...

hope springs eternal in Mudville

I am a fan of Ben Durdaya!

Can I get an autograph please!!!

EBD

EBD!!

EBD!!!

EBD!!!!

EBD

EBD!!

EBD!!!

EBD!!!!!

im a bigger fan

me too

Thank you all for the positive feedback.

It's encouraging to see that people appreciate my posts, even if they're a bit rambling, and even when you can read it through it without having to hold your sides to keep your kishkes in all the right places.

Like I said before, that wasn't an easy post for me, but it's helping me come clean. It's not easy when you examine the hatred bottled up inside of you for years, after someone finally  points a pen-light into the dark reaches of your soul and says -"Whoop, there it is; and that's what it's been all along".

And suddenly it's clear as day...you realize what could've been, and the YH tries to rope you back in with the Atzvus. But since you've found such a great bunch of guys -and you feel like one of the crowd from day 1 if you are sincere, and will feel that way as long as you are still sincere -you take their advice, follow their example....and do not look back. You join the chorus which screams: YH I hate your guts...You've ruined my best years, and I'm not going to even try to deal with you anymore on my own. Ronald Reagan (back when he was still a good actor despite his advanced age) said that you just don't negotiate with terrorists.

And that's just what he is. He wants you to be terrified of your past, worried about the future, and tense in the present. And that's what I learnt from my friends here, is how not to fall into that trap, just Let go and let G-d -anyone can do a better job of managing my life than I have been -G-d certainly can... and I've been taught that he will if I let him.

I'm just going to KEEP ON TRUCKIN'.

Ben Durdayah

P.S. Tomorrow is 'De Groise Nittel' fin Chatzois biz Chatzois. Ich hub gehert fin Tzadikkim ahz siz du ah GROISSE INYAN fun Leitzinisa D'Avoida Zurah.

Time to establish an annual "GYE 12 Hour Nittle-thon". For each post, Woodford distilleries will shtell ah glez'l mashkeh L'Tovas GYE. Maybe we can get Billy the Kick-boxing instructor/assistant deputy supervisor in training of central dept.of public works. (Land management and animal control) to donate some fresh 'possom and make a BBQ contest. Ice Cream courtesy of...

The only problem is, where do we find a guy with badly capped teeth and an ugly tux to MC the event?

Sorry YH, Atzvus no more!

my kishkes were fine for most of that post but at the end they started their kickboxing training session without warning

you serious posts and your seriously funny posts are pure gold
keep 'em coming, please

Aw shucks, you guys are chokin' me up.

You better believe that bez"h I'll keep them coming. Posting here is the most therapeutic experience I've had in my whole life; including the tekupha as a teen when I was caught being both naughty and depressed and my Mammeh talked my Tatteh into sending me to a shrink. Speaking of that experience reminds me....

Ah shud the gelt, I wasn't ready to open up to anyone with a beard (und zeine iz gevein azoi lang vi de gulis, vus vilste fin a Chabadsker BT? A Kumetz berdel?) about what was going on with me (freg nisht chevrah, etz vill'n nisht vissen, und ich vill zich nisht dermunnen) even though he was a nice guy who was:
a) professional,
b) spoke very calmly,
c) had a decentish walk up time-share, which only smelled half of the time
d) told me that he won't tell anything to my parents that i don't allow him to
e) gave me all sorts of tests that showed that if I would be sitting in his chair I'd probably be better at what he does than he is, just he has a PHD and I don't.

Tell me this, what are you going to tell a shrink, a licensed clinical psychologist who supposedly specializes in children and adolescents (dunno, maybe he does specialize in children at least) who asks you about your acting out, and asks you to see if you can go without and tell him next week did you or didn't you see porn or act out -I mean, I know these authority figures inside an out + I was darn well addicted then so that equals = a no brainer -I LIED TO THIS GUY THROUGH MY TEETH.

He was supposedly supposed to help me with these meetings but couldn't tell me HOW!

"So Doc, can you give me my fantasies on a silver platter? Can you convince my parents to lay off? No? So why should I just check in with you like this? 'Cause out of neutrality you gave a sort of implied Mussar Shmooze on how terrible my escapades are? I've got a better idea, I'll have my father check in with me every Sunday afternoon (I've got much more experience lying to him than I do with lying to you! Though I must admit...It's so much easier lying to you.), and he'll even save money to boot! And then maybe Dad'll give me some more spending money, and Motzei Shabbos I'll be able to go clubbing and get some Woodford and weed with the chevrah! Thanks Doc!!! You da best!!!"

(DOC: "See here Elli'le, you can tell me anything you want, and I'm not even allowed to pass it on to anyone if you don't let me. But I must say, that although I am not going to pass judgement on your actions or feelings, I can't condone any behavior that's against the Torah."

EBD: "Gee thanks doc! That was very comforting! You got me right out of my shell...I'll be open with you...SURE! I already feel better about myself, and I'm just gonna forget that there's things like girls, S**, P***, and computers until my chassunah at least!")

There was noone willing to talk, and noone to listen. They didn't have the foggiest that they were dealing with an ADDICT. And I'm sure the shrink..who is not a bad person, but like my High School Menahel (who I actually think is a takke a very evil person who thinks he is a huge Tzaddik, and a world renowned Mechanech) was totally underequipped to deal with me and most of my peers (this was the early nineties -my older brother wouldn't know what a ta'ava is if it slapped him in the face, and if a ta'avah walked up to my Tatteh a"h -and he knew darn well what a ta'avah looks like -he would sock it in the face; or at least throw a dead 'possom at it. He was a Yid who just did what you had to do because you had to do it and don't ask me why... Me? I'm a whole different cup 'o tea).

BTW, the best siman that it wasn't just me -but teens in general -that he wasn't equipped to deal with even with his fancy PHD (and the referral of whoever the Askanim for these kinds of things are, cause my poor Momma never makes a decision like that without asking the right people) is that in the last ten years I've been seeing his name as working as the clinical director for one of those many agencies for the developmentally delayed (Lo Aleinu) which means that he's basically been relegated to doing evaluations and passing on recommendations. Kol haKavod for stepping aside, it's a big madreigah when a guy Chaps and says "Ich Toig Nisht". (For my High School Menahel, it took a lot longer for people to realize that; but BH he also moved on in life to a different Rosh Yeshiva position, where hopefully the guys coming under his tutelage are already older and  more 'aveck-geshtelt' and don't need any warmth or kirvah -just lamdunis).

On the other hand posting here....Ahhhh.....

I'll tell you all why tommorrow IYH.

The truth has I had some great Divrei Torah and Chizuk for Rosh Chodesh Shvat, but I had to chap arayn my obligatory learning before chatzois, and I can't post them now.... 'cause it's now DE GROISE NITTEL !!!

So in the meantime I will post a 'recovery' post "Chullin Al Taharas HaKodesh" (but mit Yiddishe Ta'am, and that's what makes it Heilige).

DAY 7

(The emes is that it's day eight, but for Shiva Nekiyyim you need 'Leylo Imo' and Ohr L'yom Chamishi last week I was still sky-diving without a parachute if you know what I mean. And if you don't know what I mean, just read the first post in the thread.)

Boy am I learning new things all the time...

What did I mean when I wrote last night that I find the posting 'therapeutic'?

Looking at all these long posts that I've put up over the last few days I am finally beginning to understand what creative energy Hashem channels through me, and how few outlets I have to share that energy with others. I have learned to recognize that I have a true need to give of myself to others, and that may explain how the YH manages to snag davka our best and brightest into his worst and dirtiest.

See, most of your average Yossels who doesn't necessarily have this energy rush or a need to share it with others -even when the YH tries to snag him into the addiction, Yossel doesn't have such a drive to invest in the addiction. But when the YH gets a guy like me to take the first sip, he doesn't have to waste too many worms for bait -if he got it into my neurons already, I'm going to give self-destruction my best shot unless I realize what's going on with me. It's the YH pyramid scheme. I'm not even fighting against him when I'm fighting it- I'm fighting against ME.

Even if I have 'clean streaks', as long as I don't understand the nature of the problem -it's just about pointless; a real roller coaster ride. The YH and the YT in a tug-of-war over who's going to win all that energy, and where it's going to get channeled. But the YT, see -he's got no chance, because the YH has got my brainwaves on his side.

(I don't want to get into Divrei Torah on Nittel (it should be my worst sin), but this is what the Mekuballim and Sifrei Chassidus call Middas HaYesod. Someone whose neshamah has its roots there -whether he has perfected this middah or perverted it (and the fact that a person has struggled in this area shows that's where he is) -when he has to whom to give, has a veritable high tension line of creative energy from the Source of creative energy (See Agra DeKallah Parshas VaYigash). And the YH wants to tap into it. When he gets someone like that into this addiction, the poor soul winds up directing all of this positive creative energy towards his own self-pleasure.)

But once you get onto the GYE-90, you are no longer directing that energy towards yourself, and you find yourself needing to use it in a positive way. Of course you share yourself with your wife and kids, but since recovery is so on your mind -and in my case my wife doesn't know that it is so -you want to share your thoughts and your self with your like minded friends. And you discover more about yourself than you ever thought existed.

And you discover that isolation is one of the big factors preventing people from confronting their issues.

You want to tell us about isolation?

Lately I've become the life of the party here, right? I'm smart, a talented writer, speak read and write three languages all on the level of a mother tongue. I'm sensitive, have a great sense of humor, am outgoing -a real people person right? And, yes -I've studied quite a bit of Torah in my life (As HaGaon Reb R. Z. Benges Zt"l once said when he got older and his iron-clad memory started to slip: Vehr S'hat GeTruffen Vuss Ich Hab Letztens Farloiren, Iz Gantz Ah Shayne Talmid Chuchem). Oh yes, and I'm a reaaaaal Anav as well for such a talented guy as me!

But I had nobody to share all of this with. No job, No Kollel. When do I see friends? Twice a day after Shachris and after Mincha for 5 minutes at a time? Shabbos -now there you go, Shabbos isn't half bad except for the depression remaining from the past week that I have to shuckle off in the Mikvah. And then Motzei Shabbos comes around again...

And most of all My ugly black secret!!! (shudder) So that even if I was with friends, who might of even cared, I was really all by myself. How could these pure as the driven snow yungeleit identify with what I am going through? And how could they help me anyways.

But now, I've found the right bunch of GYEs, and I'm going to keep sharing myself with them until they tell me: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT AND COME DRINK SOME WORDFORD!!!

I can't stand myself

I love this place, and I love you guys, and I'm going to keep on ploppling and KEEP ON TRUCKIN'!

Ben Durdayah

Bendy

U gotta a lot of pent up anger in ur little hartzeleh

I feel soo bad

Listen

Maybe takkeh walk to ben yehudah to buy beans and take a cab back

It will be very threaputic

Bendy I'm here for u

I read ur shtikkl

I have a few more hours till nittel

But u wtrote it during nittel hmmmm


Keep on trucking!!!!!!

Reb B,

You're right on the money with that one.

Pouring out my heart here on my page does me good, because I know that the chevrah here can identify with my feelings.

EBD

What does a addict talmid chochom do on nitel when he cant learn.