ben durdayah wrote on 31 Jan 2011 09:52:


You can't use the filter gabai's password on your own, but if you write to him, he can get you a license on his e-mail address. He has special permissions from K9 for a large amount of licenses on his e-mail address.

Keep on trucking. 7 pamim yipol TZADIK v'Kam.

rav E, botzina kadisha, patish hechazak, ner hayimini,
what's the nature of the shvachkeit?
ain hechavush matir atzmo mibeis ha'asurim

hi EBD, just checking in
hope you are doing good

Had another fall.

But here's what i learnt from it:

After the fall I had a week ago, I didn't really get back onto the GYE tractor-trailer/tricycle.

I started handling my struggles with this addiction like I had been doing for years without realizing it.

Yes, I was still here out of isolation, but I guess that just as we can't expect habits that took years to develop to disappear after a month or so of trying to think differently -somehow I was lulled back into the old 'fight the beast yourself with one hand tied behind the back, and earn raffle tickets for a free trip to Never Never Land'.

I forgot that it doesn't work, and I forgot that the program that had helped me in the first 31 day clean streak requires work.

And I really started derhering what Dov posts wherever he gets a chance: Cut out the counting days bit, and focus on today...

And so, the main conclusion which I have reached is that I have to go back to the basics. I don't have the "White Book" (my ISP based filter doesn't let me download it -maybe someone wants to send me it), but when I first started out here I studied the AA Big Book carefully, as well as studying the GYE Handbook and Attitude Handbook. I forgot that I am ill -not a sicko -and I forgot to take my medicine.

Of course the supplemental chizuk and Yiddishe approach to someone in my particular situation is a plus plus plus -it's a part of a holistic approach. But having mistakenly ignored the Recovery materials as a booster after the previous fall -I made the crucial error of treating strep with vitamin C, Sucrets, and Chicken Soup -while ignoring the antibiotics; and a week later the bacteria attacked my whole system -and I fell again.

Another I learnt was not to underestimate the physical effects of the common cold (which I was just about getting over, but I was feeling very battle-worn) on our addictive behavior, as is related in the following post on the GuardYourEyes.org website (here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1825:

Q. I was bedridden for a day with the flu and while I was nauseous, weak and miserable, I had one of the hardest days in terms of wanting to sin that I’ve had in a while. Everything was a trigger!!! What’s going on with me?

A. This is very common. With any addiction, addicts use their "drug of choice" to medicate and sooth themselves whenever they feel uncomfortable with life, whether that be caused by depression, illness, stress, or what we call R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent). That is why when we feel sick we often want to "act-out" even more than usual.

I also noticed that both falls happened Sunday night. Sunday by me is always an "icchy" day -common by many of Acheinu B'nei Yisrael.

So now I realize that Sundays need extra precautions.

Also I made a TaPhSiC b'li neder (yes, that's right a b'li neder- the thought of making a neder makes me neurotic), for the next 24 hours -which I plan on renewing every 24 hours at least for the next week -that if chalilah I fall I will have to say Tehillim from cover to cover -word by word - in one sitting (which takes me about 2 1/2 hours). I also "knassed" myself that I would do so today, which I did.

The truth is that Tehillim-zuggen is really a privilege and not a punishment. But for me it serves as a deterrent because of the time involved and the toll it takes on my stamina.

While saying the Tehillim today (I don't cry as easily as I would like to) I really felt like I was getting a lot off of my chest (and I do have a lot to get off of my chest), and surprisingly enough -even after finishing I still felt that I have a lot to get off of my chest. So I might just say some Tehillim even if (and hopefully this will be the case) I don't fall.

May we all be zocheh to share in each others simchas,

Humbled and Humbled,

Elazar ben Durdayah

EBD, gevaldig!

you are doing great. aiy, you'll tell me that you just had a fall etc. the terutz is that you are learning and growing and working. not throwing in the towel and free-falling ch'v.

and as you say, we cannot expect to shake off a habit/addiction/sickness with a some chicken soup and vitamin c. we need to be patient with ourselves and learn how to live life with the addiction as best we can (notice i did not say that we can get rid of the addiction).
bezras Hashem, with your efforts and striving, you will go far.
חזק חזק ונתחזק

I wish i can give u a boost. If you don't mind, how did you fall this time? surely, you gave your password to the rebbentzin; if it was in another way,no need to reply.

When I'd feel "about to fall", i'd try to identify what i need to do to do the aveirah, and then ruin it-i'd start laining mishnayos really loud in my living room trying to wake up my wife(bec. i was too embrrssed to tell her directly),
i'd call my rebbe in ey. he' stop anyone from an aveirah. just tell him "rebbe, i really want to be m'z' livat'-hisnum in ey-050-4133737-he's a 24 hotline to stop you from this-pm me for more
if u want-he's talmid of satmar rav, gadol mekubal, father was rebbe in torah vida'as/beis med' elyon
 
do something bravado and daring like buy a pair of handcuffs and cuff yourself to your bed-iv'e done this too-then toss the key way out of your reach.

      Turn on rocked up purim music and start dancing bi'simcha back and forth in your living room, waking her up. i did this too.

Even when i fell, but the fact that i knassed myself BEFORE the maaseh, i felt like i went up a level-like i jogged really far out for an hour and then walked home, and then did aveira......

Am i just yapping? i'm sorry.....it's just bec. like i said i wish i cud giv ya a boost.
Youre on target with those handbooks, and bli neder i can email it to you, just pm me your address
the yappaty yapper flapper wrapper rapper, who hopes u'll send us good tidings

A moiradige vort that I heard this afternoon (b'sheim HaRav Geldzahler I don't know if it's Shlit"a or Zatza"l):

The Gemara says "K'sheim shemishenichnas Av Mema'atin be'simcha, kach mishenichnas Adar Marbin Besimcha" (or something like that)

What would you do if you walked into a shteeble on the 3rd of Av and saw a group of chassidim sitting around a table eating meat, drinking wine, and listening to music?

Of course, you'd run over to them taken aback and say "Chevrah! Es past duch nisht! (This is inappropriate behavior) for the month of Av", and you'd show them the Shulchan Aruch where these laws are discussed.

If so, what are you supposed to do when you enter a shteeble/beis medrash/Jewish home on the 3rd of Adar and you see them walking around with the blues, shoulders down, nose drooping down to the floor etc. etc.

Obviously, you should be doing the same thing!


Of course, you'd run over to them taken aback and say "Chevrah! Es past duch nisht! (This is inappropriate behavior) for the month of Adar", and you'd show them the Shulchan Aruch where these laws are discussed, and maybe have a round or two of Mishe Mishe Mishe Nich Nas Adar...

Revving up our engines,

Love all of you,

E. ben Durdayah

typical Reb Lazer

ZT"L

biigest  sheech and zukkin to fill

chaval al diavdin

we didnt deserve him

:'(

ben durdayah wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:19:


Just wondering.  What would you do if one of them turns around and says: "The baby's name is Eliezer shimon!!!"  :o :o :o

RisingUp wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:43:


I would say...

Mazel Tov!

Pass the Woodford!

LOL!

PS Hey, one second -how does a bris answer the music? Aha! Got you there!

bardichev wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:42:


Reb b.

No atzvus...

Chaval Al D'avdin

But you see, b"h...

Shmaatseih Misbadrin B'Bey Midrasha...

E

ben durdayah wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:19:


What you do if one of them turns around and says: "He was 97 years old."

Wait!! I know what you would say

ben durdayah wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:45:

RisingUp!

You are getting me Adarish!

Shkoiach!

BTW- there's a small addition to that previous post that you quoted -ayain sham...

ben durdayah wrote on 07 Feb 2011 21:45:


They were Sefardim!!!  (Shvua she'chal bo)
HA!!

No... wait..... they're Chassidim.  Shoots!

Moiradige!

Sefardishe Chassidim... There is such a thing!

You are sooooo gevaldigggg!