whats your new name?

that reminds me back in the day.

Dr. - vus iz dain numen?

Chaim!

Dr. - Chaim Vuss?

Chaim Shteekowitz! eer kent mir reffen shteenk!

Shraib nisht arup! ich gai toshem main numen sai vee!

Dr. - mit azah numen vult ich ess oich getoisht!

Dr. - Vus iz di naiyeh numen?

Moishe Shteenkowitz!

Nisht Gezurgt! The Rebbe Aint going no place and aint changing no names.

Lets just look back at Rage. ha ha ha! he tried coming back under a new name and that was the funniest day on GYE.

Everyone picked up on it! EVERYONE!

You Can Run, But You Can Hide, but you can't Escape GYE!

We will find ya and bring you to justice!

Baba tzeeril

Zemel

Shloimeleh

General flemming

Berrish

Yoineleh (the bird)

Fromovitsh (the butcher. When flemming calls)

De mayor fin kenigshtayn

Oyy was bards good at bekius!

Thanks EL, hearing that from the Gabbai himself makes me feel better.

As everyone knows, the Rebbe ken zuggen az ehr vill toishen ah nuhmen -ubber oib the Gabbai vill nisht -he can forget about it!

Yuh yuh!

They say a vort that when Eliezer Eved Avruhom went to look for a kala for yitzchok, at the seuda he started out with saying "Eved Avruhom Unoichi"

why did he start like that?

zugt men nuch fin di vus hubben gevist sti zuggen az pshaat gait azoi.

he told them that Yitzchok is the Yoreish and therefore this is a good deal with all the money involved.

so they asked him but there's Yishmoel and he is a yoreish as well?!

so Eliezer said no no no! Im Moishe Gabba! and if I say Yitzchok is taking over then Yitzchok is Taking over!

 

I see you really take your profession seriously, you seem to have a PHD in Gabbous, and wrote your doctorate on Gabboim from Biblical Times-the Present, entitled:

[size=20pt]"אתפשטותא דגיחזי בכל דור ודור"

;D

But No Green Elephants (Part VII)
And so, Zanvil started ingesting exactly 1/4 of a cup of the magical mashed potatoes precisely once every twenty-seven minutes. What exactly was it that I wasn't supposed to think about...Green Toads? Green Frogs? Green Grass? Oh I know! Green Elephants! Baruch Hashem! I remembered! I was afraid that I wouldn't remember what it was that I'm not supposed to think about and then I would wind up thinking about it. Okay, no thinking about green elephants, no thinking about green elephants,no thinking about green elephants,no thinking about ...OY! I've been thinking about green elephants! Okay Zalman 1-2-3 no thinking about green elephants, wait... just think about something else. Oh Shreck, I'm almost finished... And so, Zalman finished off the first batch that Devoirah had prepared.

"Devoirah!", called Zanvil.

"Yes Shvantz'l...", his klavte devoted and dedicated wife, responded.

"You know I hate when you call me that... Look, the magical mashed potatoes are almost finished... we have to cook up another batch!"

"Oy Shv... Zanvil, I was just on my way out to window shop for a fox-fur coat collect some money for Hachnussas Kallah, maybe Ruchi will be able to prepare the rheumatic remedy?"

"Oh! That's a great idea!" If Devoirah's cooking tasted edible because of that white powder, Ruchi's cooking -which is always great -will be out of this world, said Zalman, "Gei, Gei Gezinterheit, take your time...". and while you're collecting some hachnussas kallah... maybe get yourself some halvoyas hameis?

"A sheine meise! You tell me take my time! You hate me! You would be happy if I never ever came back..."

"No! Choolilah!" I new that she was a machseifa...but I didn't know she could mammesh read my mind! I'd better be careful..., "I meant don't walk too quickly, so that you don't trip and fall chas veshoolem... Farshtaist?".

TO BE CONTINUED 

But No Green Elephants (Part VIII)

"Ruchi!"

"Yes Tatty?"

"Zei Azoi Git, Mommy went out and I need somebody to put up the rheumatic athritis remedy which the dapper doctor gave us. Do you think you could do that?"

"Sure Tatty, you know that I would do anything for you- anytime!"

"Good. here are the instructions, just remember... the most important part is the green elephants!"

"Voos?"

"The green elephants... you're not allowed to think about green elephants when you prepare the remedy."

"Okay Tatty! Will do! No green elephants! Just give me the tzetel and I'll whip you up a batch of remedy!"

"Oy, mein oitzerel- vart nuhr, once the remedy works, I'll get back to work and then we can find you ah passige shidduch. Aza getreiye kindt." Baruch Hashem she doesn't take after her mother!

"Oy Tatty, please don't worry. You'll see, Hashem will help us. The main thing is that you should feel good again. Now have a hot cup of tea with a piece of this delicious crab-apple strudle which I managed to salvage from underneath the bushes on the side of the road, and your remedy will be ready k'heref ayin."

And so, Ruchi the truly devoted, dedicated, and loving daughter set about preparing another batch of the concoction which the wonderful dapper doctor had concocted. Oy, Basheffer... helf mein Tatte Zanvil ben Zibbenaroif zoll zein gezint ind shtark, ind zohl brengen aza shefa in shteeb, az de Mamme zoll em nisht painigen

She carefully measured exactly two tablespoons of the powder, What did Tatty say that I shouldn't think about? Right, green elephants! Kabed es uveechu... No green elephants

and cooked them up with an onion,Elephants are so pretty! Huge and clumsy...I wonder what shade of green a green elephant would be (visualising) olive green? emerald green? dollar green? grass green? OY I'm thinking about green elephants, nu nu nu!!!.

a potato, and three cups of water for one hour. She stirred the mixture precisely every two minutes -no more and no less. L'maaseh that's pretty funny, I remember learning in Tzenah Rennah that elephants are gray or brownish...not green. I wonder what a green elephant would look like? Oish, gotta get that picture out of my head...Der Tatte hut gehaisin....I know! I'll say Perek Shirah biz der veil- shoin bald der shkiah...

After the mixture  cooled, she added a teaspoon of salt, a pat of butter"Pil ma hee oimer..."Ahhh Ma Rabbu Maasecha Hashem...a groie, ah broine, tzi a greene ellephant azoi fill sheine ellephanten tanzen by mir in kupp...YOISH, Vieder de greene ellephanten. I must be a shlechte maidel and pepper to taste.

And so Zanvil had his first taste of the miracle rheumatic arthritis removal remedy as prepared by his  devoted and dedicated daughter, and another 1/4 cup every 27 minutes therafter Gee, this is much tastier than Devoirah's mashed potatoes....even with the white powder...Mammesh ah mechayeh! That Yankel Friedenstein is going to be one happy and well fed man!!!.

TO BE CONTINUED...

shkoyach reb EBD
beautiful, just beautiful

Whateva You Do! Please! No Green Elephants!

My wife asked me the other day what I want for supper.

I couldn't help my self and said "anything but, Green Elephants!"

She's looking for a good shrink for me now!

But No Green Elephants (Part IX)

And so the seven days passed, with Zanvil enjoying his souped up mashed potatoes exactly every 27 minutes, with Devoirah and Ruchi alternating in the preparation of the remarkable remedy. All of them followed the instructions to a T except for one..., but they were too embarrassed to admit this to one another, each one thinking that he or she was the only one who had this meshiggas.... Sound familiar?.

Each day Zanvil waited to feel to marvelous mashed potato induced return of his youth and flexibility... but, alas- his fingers were still as rigid and inflexible as an IRS auditor... and his back was killing him!

"Zanvil!" screeched Devoirah, "Neee, when are you going to reopen your workshop... Ruchi's not getting any younger, and you know that winter is around the corner, and you promised me a new coat!"

"Devoirah, I have to tell you the truth", that was Zanvil, always the open straight-shooter, "I'm not feeling any better at all!"

"Oy! Di Lo Yitzlach Shlemazel Vus di bist! You can't even take medicine like a mentsch!"

"Devoirah, maybe it starts working on day 8?"

"Fat chance! If you can't start making shtreimels by tomorrow, I'm going to find that doctor, and I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

Hmmm... thought Zanvil, that might not be a bad idea... On the other hand, I don't know how many pieces of her mind she can afford to give away without becoming a vegetable... On the other hand, that might not be so bad after all.

But to tell the truth, Zalman was pretty depressed himself... to think that he had given away the remnants of his life's work for a cure that did't help! And what about Ruchi's shidduch?

And so, on day 8, at 9:25 in the morning, a furious Devoirah and her hen-pecked, harried humbled husband Zanvil made their way to the dapper doctor's lodgings.

"Good morning folks! How are you today?" greeted the doctor effusively.

"Morning, shmorning!" exclaimed Devoirah, "Ah sheine maase! Di Gannev vus di bist! Swindler!..." and as you all know should could have gone on, and on, and on...

"Excuse me Madame, I've never been..."

"Been, Shmin! Ah sheine meise! Our entire savings this humbug takes, to feed my husband mashed potatoes for a whole week, and Nada, Goornisht, Nothing, Zilch, No results whatsoever!!! Di ...."

Actually, thought Zanvil, the mashed potatoes were pretty good...

"Didn't work? Can't be. All of my preparations are tried and tested for guaranteed satisfaction- or your money back."

"Good, so give us the money di Gannev!"

"No problem, just tell me. Did you follow the directions scrupulously?"

"Ah sheine meise! Me- Devoirah you suspect that I didn't follow the instructions? Listen here you Yingatch and I'll tell you exactly what I did:

I took exactly two tablespoons of the powder, and cooked them up with an onion, a potato, and three cups of water for one hour. Then I stirred the mixture precisely every two minutes -no more and no less. After the mixture cooled,  I added a teaspoon of salt, a pat of butter, and pepper to taste. Zanvil had exactly 1/4 of a cup of the mixture  exactly every 27 minutes for the whole week, whether he wanted to or not (I wanted to! I wanted to! thought Zanvil, Achalti, Va'Oichal Oid!!!).

"Are you satisfied, di smarkatz voos di bist!!!"

"Wow, you are certainly a remarkable woman", said the dapper doctor.

"If you followed the instructions so carefully and the remedy didn't work", he continued with an evil glint in his eyes,

"You must have been thinking about green elephants, weren't you?"

For the first time since Zanvil could remember, Devoirah was left speechless...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Did devoireh poisen zanfill

Or is ruchy writing a letter to binah-toog-blatt

Or maybe dvoireh went to speak to her elterbubbehs sister that never got maRried cause she was smarter than all the men

Ebd I'm soooo impatient...

Greeeener-helifantan-yentis rugelach-greeener-mansperzones-helifanten...

But No Green Elephants (Part X)

For the first time since Zanvil could remember, Devoirah was left speechless... but not for long.

"Ah sheine meise! You, the no-goodnik, ferd-ganiv, eizel-kopf, quack are accusing me -Devoirah Schwartz -of thinking of green elephants while preparing Zanvil's medicine! Next thing I know, you'll accuse me of trying to put poison in his tea! I'll have you know, you grubbe ying vus di bist- that not only I prepared the remedy... My daughter Ruchi prepared quite a number of batches... Maybe she's the one who thought about green elephants!"

"Like I said, Madame", said the dapper doctor who appears not to have been fazed at all by Devoirah's characteristic ranting and raving extraordinary outburst, "if indeed none of you thought of green elephants... you will get your money back. Maybe you want to go home and ask your daughter if she didn't think about green elephants..." finished the doctor with a smirk, leaving Devoirah and Zalman gaping at him with open eyes.

"How dare you! Zanvil come on home... this menivval thinks that Ruchi would be the type of girl to think about gasp green elephants... Aza teire Yiddish Maidel who wouldn't dream of letting her Tatte or Mamme down! Voos farshteit ah sheygitz in Yiddishe techter, azoi vi a chazzer in brillianten!!!

"Listen you brute, we're going home, and if Ruchi says that she didn't think about green elephants -and she will - you're going to give us our money back- OR ELSE".

"One hundred percent, have a nice day!" said the doctor with a sneer on his face.

And so, a foaming at the mouth, muttering to herself furious Devoirah and a thoughtful Zanvil made their way back home.

"Devoirah,"

"What Shv- I mean Zanvil, can't you see that I'm aggravated! Ah sheine meise! Now he wants to talk! And where were you when that raccoon-dropping of a poor excuse for a feldsher insulted me! Eh, the 'possum got your tounge?"

"Tell me the truth Devoirah,", said Zanvil with a steely determination in his voice, "and only the truth... you didn't think of green elephants when you made the mashed potatoes?"

Devoirah wasn't used to the new tone in Zanvil's voice, and she actually found it a bit intimidating.

"And if I did?"

"So why did you lie to the dapper doctor?"

"Lie? I didn't lie. First of all, maybe I really didn't think of green elephants! Bah! There isn't any such thing as green elephants! Gray elephants-yes; green elephants -a figment of the imagination... I, Devoirah can't control myself not to think about things that don't even exist?

"And even if I did think of green elephants... I'm sure that Ruchi didn't. You know how strong she is in Kibbud av Va'Eim. For her it's an aveirah to think about such things when she's preparing your mashed potatoes... her Yiras Shamayim is so strong- she definitely would never think of green elephants.

"And you heard what I told that evil man....

Zanvil wanted to say that the whole derfl heard what Devoirah told that 'evil man', for that matter the whole derfl hears whatever it is that  Devoirah says. But one assertive sentence an hour is about as much he could squeeze out after years of absorbing his spouses verbal abuse...

"If Ruchi says that she didn't think about green elephants -and she will - he's going to give us our money back.

"Now here we are...

"Ruchi!"

"Oh Hi Mommy! Hi Tatty! How are you both!"

"Fine B"h"

"Ruchi darling," said Devoirah, in the special sugar sweet tone reserved just for her, "Mommy wants to ask you a little question."

"Of course Mommy!" Wow! I knew it was suspicious that Tatty and Mommy went out together -at the same time -with each other. I bet that they went to see a boy, and Mommy finally agreed to Tatty that it's a good shidduch... and they want us to meet. Oh boy! Oh Boy! Omigosh, just wait until I tell...

"Ruchi, are you with me?"

"Oh, yes Mommy- of course."

"Good, because Mommy wants to ask you a very, very, important question.... Our family's whole future my fox fur coat, and your future happiness really depend on your answer to this question...

"Do you remember when you made Tatty that rheumatic arthritis remedy?"

"Yes, Mommy, you mean that mashed potato stuff with the onion?" Ugh. what does that have to do with my shidduch? Did he ask about my cooking? Tatty told me that it was very tasty!

"Yes, sweetie. Can you please tell me how you made it?"

"Of course Mommy!" Maybe the mechitan heard about it in sheel from Tatty and the machateiniste asked for the recipe!

"I took  exactly two tablespoons of the powder, and cooked them up with an onion, a potato, and three cups of water for one hour. Then I stirred the mixture precisely every two minutes -no more and no less. After the mixture cooled,  I added a teaspoon of salt, a pat of butter, and pepper to taste."

"And what else did you do?"

"I davened for Tatty's gezint and I said perek shirah, because it was close to the shkiah."

"Sheiffele, I want you to tell me the truth, were you thinking about green elephants at all when you were preparing the remedy?"

"I..Omigosh...No...Ayyyyyyy (heaving with sobs) I didn't (sniff, sniff) mean to but...(crying hysterically)....
Arggghh... NOOOOOOOO.....I can't deal with it...........The shame....AERRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!

And before Zanvil and Devoirah realized what hit them, Ruchi was out the door and running...

TO BE CONTINUED...

gevalt!
did she sign up on gye? (Guard Your Elephants)