dovekbashem wrote on 27 Jan 2011 05:31:
Dov,
I have to ask for some clarification here. Are you telling me to be open about this addiction with the outside world? Should my friends know this? Should my rabbis know this? Should my parents and my siblings know this? And, of course, regarding the question that everyone in this thread has been asking, should my girlfriend or future wife know this about me?
I am pretty sure that being so open about this problem will severely destroy my reputation and completely change how everyone in my life views me. I am young but pretty well respected... all of this will change. Is it really worth it just to "get it off my chest"? Why can't I just struggle with this in silence until I solve it with the help of my friends at GYE?
No, no, gevalt.
I mean sharing it with safe people. With people who understand. And as far as I am concerned, that is only addicts. No rove who is not an addict himself (and I know a good bunch of them) can understand. be sympathetic, yes. But that's it.
What I was getting at with the lying and hiding thing is simply that I think it is absolutely indispensable to recovery that I admit that I do not hide the truth about myself from others only because of practical concerns for "my reputation". I don't believe it for a second. Rather, I need to face the fact that I hide and lie in order to keep acting out, period.
We are only as sick as our secrets, they say.
I have witnessed many GYE guys email or post - using their pen-names only, of course - that they are in trouble and really need help. Yet they hesitate to be part of a phone group or meeting. When they finally come forward, they are meek and hide behind some mask still. Gevalt. 'Everybody' in Shomayim knows all about what we are doing in the bathroom
already. It's
famous up there! Why hide behind the username if life is flushing down the tubes? The friggin house is burning down! And I make sure to call out "FIRE!!" - but only from behind a curtain so that no one in the street will actually see
who is screaming like a maniac cuz he's terrified - me?!.
To me, that behavior can only mean that our obsession with fear and shame is still
greater than the pain of our compulsive obsession with lusting and acting out. Uh-oh.
That doesn't spell "R-E-A-D-Y", to me. And I am not criticizing anyone here - just sharing my own painful experience.
So no, definitely
do not shout it out to the family or to anybody who is not an addict themselves - unless for special cases such as a spiritual guide/Rov or professional person/shrink. And stop hiding behind the shame - get it all out plainly and clearly on paper to yourself, out loud to a
safe person, and start
really moving on be"H with recovery.
Then Hashem will guide you with respect to who to tell in the future. (See the 9th step promises on the clarity in previously baffling situations.)