im gonna be kicked off this forum...lol

1 is a relative. very close who went through trouble with stuff related to this...
another is a close rabbi and the other is the world.

i dont know if your playing with me now...but i know and everyone knows an open marriage is very healthy

try googling "healthy closed marriage" and see what you get. it doesnt exist.

Google "health benefits of masturbation" you'll see that it is healthy too  .
I believe that couples can be open with each other in areas that they have in common (frustration, anger, loneliness, happiness, etc.) but this issue is something that most women would not understand because they do not have the same desire as we do (at least not in a physical way like we do). I think that one can share only once one has several years of sobriety.

These days, you can always find support for any Lust-related lifestyle. Plenty of people will tell you how healthy it is.

If you want to buy into it, you can - and join the masses.

Keep in mind that P^%n is not the issue here. The issue is Lust. And that's an issue that will destroy your life, unless you take care of it. A partner can help, but many people (especially addicts) end up putting at least part of the responsibility for recovery on their partner, and well, that's just suicide.

S:

My marriage is open wide...except for one subject, which had remained my own for the 12 years we've been married so far -and hopefully will be 'till 120 yrs. - the excess baggage that I shlepped with me when I got married...

It just ain't her problem. PERIOD.

SB, my point was that Google is not necessarily a good source - totally agree with you

I would agree. But i know a story where the wife found out on her own... she was superbly upset that he never told her. not that he had the problem. this she was ok with. it was that he never told her, she was upset and felt "what else is he hiding?"

You mentioned that you are still single so work on sobriety before you get married. Your future wife will not find out because you'll hopefully recover by then ;-). I'm kinda in the same boat as you are and that is the approach I'm taking.

Very well said installed, u r very lucky for getting here as a single ,
both of u plz for ur own sake work on recovery b4 u get into marriage, u will be much better off, no point in getting married at all while an addict, unless u have too little problems and u r looking for more
Hatzlucha guys

alright...
well in other news im sober for 9 days... but i slipped last night and masturbated in the middle of the night... i was half awake...
but with regards to porn im doing well...
im gonna try doing the 90 day challenge.
I also decided on a system. I make sure to read at least 1 chizuk email everyday. I make sure to learn mussar everyday. and I discuss my problem with someone.

Things that helped me:

Hashem
12 step calls
Taphsic
Partner
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (book)

I'm not out of the woods but the above has helped me a lot.

90 days is good...but work on one day at a time, and realize that each day is supremely valuable, no matter what!

I would also add that there's a big difference between your wife knowing that you have/had a problem, and having her being part of the solution; and for us in particular, it's very easy to cross over that line.

Marriage is about giving, giving, giving.

Lusting is about taking and self worship. The two are opposites.

S4NH--

I consider you fortunate that you have identified your problem before you have begun to date or to be involved in a long-term relationship. I have a few thoughts, based on my own experience. First, now that you have started recovery, work your recovery. The earlier in your life you can start your recovery, the less your addiction will cause you to relate to others based on the false "relationships" that are part of our sick addictive fantasy world. Second, as you live in recovery, you will find that it becomes easier to relate to others (male and female) in a real sense rather than based on fantasy. Third, do not worry about tomorrow, about dating and marriage. Healthy people (whoever they may be) may be able to look to the future. We do not have power over the future. Work on what G-D has given us for today. Finally, when in your life your become close to a woman and begin considering marriage, it is imperative that you discuss your addiction with her before you marry. This should not be a "full disclosure." But you should be honest that it is your drug of choice, that when times are tough, this is how you instinctively react, and that this is a life-time disease. As hard as it is to talk about this (fear of rejection), it is much harder for her to find out after marriage (and she will, tragically). But you also need to be honest about your recovery--our disease may not have a "cure" (thank G-D, since that would mean we would not need to continue to take our medicine), we have a daily (hourly) treatment that will keep us well as long as we keep taking it.

Peace for this day.

--Maine

Hi S, I'm in a similar situation to yours, not married and not rushing.

Just a couple thoughts. Lets look at this objectively. Can you imagine dating a girl for some time, bring up the subject of marriage and say straight to her face "by the way, I have an addiction to porn (or looking at things I shouldn't) and I do that whenever I'm in an uncomfortable situation". What do you think her reaction would be? "Oh, that's fine with me."? Personally, and I speak for myself,  but if she said that, I would be very uncomfortable with agreeing to marry such a girl. Quite the contrary, if she heard that she would go off running. AND, she would go tell all the girls she knows as well.

When you go to the store to buy something, you don't care what manufacturing facilities and what materials were used in producing the object. You're just looking at the finished product and thats what you want. When a girl is looking to marry someone she wants to see the finished product. Why does it matter how you got to where you are?

If you are someone who is not interested in recovery and wants to remain the way you are. Then true, the girl you wish to marry deserves a full disclosure because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE.

However, if you are someone who is in recovery, working the steps, and as SB mentioned before, are working with the LUST addiction, then presumably (I might be wrong here) you won't wish to get married until you see that you are controlling your addiction. If I thought that I can get married in my current situation of still getting my bearings in recovery then I would say that I have to go back and do my First Step again.

Once you are in recovery, have made sufficient progress and have begun living life, then what does it matter to her HOW you got to this stage?

An open marriage (as I understand it) is regarding things which are relevant and affect both of you. Feelings towards each other, actions that you do which affect the other and such things. Obviously if acting out and watching porn are part of your daily lifestyle, then that is something that affects her. Just as much as going to a hooker and cheating on your wife affects her. Would you tell a girl you wish to marry that you were once with a hooker? Porn and masturbating are the same as being with a hooker. Because what matters is not the form of the acting out. What matters is that you turn to lust, in whatever form it is, whenever you find yourself in a situation that you need to medicate out of.

I have a friend who's wife B"H does not have any idea whatsoever as to the nature of his "distraction". All she know is that recently he started attending a "support group for men" and that she sees the results in his day-to-day conduct. Many women don't want to know anything about it. If they wish to find out they would ask.

Most of the time (as far as I know) the discovery is made by the wife after marriage by catching the husband acting out. If you have identified the addiction before marriage you now have the ability to free yourself of the addiction to the point that Bezras Hashem you're wife should never find out.

I would very much like to meet the man who disclosed his addiction to his wife before marriage and she accepted it whole heartedly.

I may be wrong about what I have said and am open to comments.

Keep on trucking!

-Mac

Mac!

Every word a gem!

Couldn't of said it better myself (not that that's saying much...)

E