My story in short is that I am 26 with the world at my feet. In so many ways, I am free, capable and independent to make everyday choices and decisions that will create a good, wholesome and dignified future. Thank God I am well, able and blessed with a fantastic education, upbringing and relationships. I feel so lucky and blessed when I think about all the difficulties and suffering in the world, and how my life and its opportunities compares to those desperate for help.
I too, however, and desperate. I'm desperate for help, for love, and for recovery of this ongoing battle to lust. Each time there is a mark of personal progress in any area of my life, I seem to experience a slip (or worse a fall). I have always risen up and bounced back, a lesson that this forum has emphasised for us all to internalise. Having said that, I have often reflected on my past, albeit from years ago or as recent as a few days ago, when I last fell to pornography and m/b. It is sickening how undignified and repulsive we have become. We had it all. We had the education, the perfect family and circle of friends, and lost it all to external influences which are distracting and to be more blunt, destructive in nature.
My soul is crying out to you Hashem. How can I have done this to you, and to me, and to all of life that could have been. What a waste, such a disgrace and embarrassement. Such a waste of life, but thinking this way is obviously causing pain and sadness. We must not despair, as long as we genuinely want to recover and become healthy again. our minds need purifying, our soul's need cleansing.
I have been reflecting on Parshat Vayeshev. Yosef is our role model. He had a vision, belief and courage. He was lowered into the pits, uncertain of his future; will he live or die? How are the people that has taken him from the pits into slavery, and would his life become any worse, or better? He had the courage and determination to fight, and was lifted to unimaginable heights of responsibility and position to make important decisions. His beauty, righteousness and charismatic personality, one over the women to the point that he had to fight seduction. and he did, after visualising the face of his father.
Surely we must learn from this episode. I always get inspired when I learn about this story, but has it changed me? I want it to change my life. Yosef is my role model, for he had a symbol representing the value of holiness. the importance and greatness of not wasting seed, the potential for new life. How much is temporary pleasure worth, given the pain and dispair that follows, compared to finding the inner strength and courage to fight, just this one test (until the next one) to feel satisfaction and self belief, knowing that my life really does have meaning and a future just waiting for me to start.
I do need to start over again. How - only God knows. But I need to be kind to myself, trust my dreams and values, listen to my inner voice so that I can start to live consciously. Enough is enough. I want to get married, for my business to become successful and profitable, and to build a wholesome, healthy family to contribute to the rebuilding of Am Yisroel.
I love life to much to keep on wasting it. Hashem help us to gain strength in our minds, purity in our hearts and to always find the inner strength and courage to attach ourselves to you, the determination to break free and return to you completely.
