Dear Bechori Reuven,
I was reading your post and I feel so sorry for you. All the burden you've been carring in your heart.
I never had problems like yours but I really believe that
forgiveness is a powerful weapon that you can use to have peace in your heart. Just take time and read this article
quitporn.net/blog/2010/09/forgiveness-powerful-weapon-quit-porn-addiction/. I hope it will help and encourage you.
You can always count on me.