but i want to say to HaShem "i'm sorry im so sorry for messing up the beautiful neshama u gave me"

i will try to explain what is going on in my heart. it's hard for me but i will try

when i think about what i have done i feel so horrible, like a rock is weighing down at the bottom of my stomach...i feel blood rush to my face...i think in a voice that is wailing 'oy Ribono Shel Olom, what have i done? what have i done to the heilege neshama that you gave to me? i took the matana and i dragged it through the worst filth the most grossest awfulest things.
what was i doing? what was i thinking? how could i, a yid with such a precious neshama have done this.
ribono shel olom i have ruined my innocence i have destroyed what you've given me in the worst possible way.
i was disgusting, and i still have these disgusting horrible horrible desires sometimes how COULD i? i could i do such things with what you gave me?"

i can't get past this.
when i was first in recovery, i felt ok and good because i was working on what i had done wrong, i was making changes, showing HaShem i wanted to fix it. but now, every single day it grows inside of me these feelings of remorse.

its so hard for me to express and tell everybody what is in my heart like this, but i don't know what else to do. i feel stupid writing it, but it is tearing me apart. it causes me such pain.
i feel so terrible about what i have done. i want some form of teshuvah  i can do that will bring Kedushah back into my heart and that i will know HaShem has forgiven me.

U just did

Now KeEp oN trucking

it is not enough for me just to stop. i need somethign more

Take it from bards

Please

If ur doing good

Gribble. Nisht


Move on

it is your yh talking. He want to drag you down.

Frumfiend The star wrote on 19 Dec 2010 20:24:


u know what, i think u r right.

b/c there is nothing productive happening from these feelings, only guilt, frustration, and self-loathing.

but if there was one thing i could do, a tefila i could say i would feel so much better. am i allowed to daven that i am sorry? or i shouldn't even focus on this, not even get into this?

i am looking over the steps of teshuvah proccess
-realize u have done wrong (heck yeah!)
-admit it (i have)
-promise not to do it again (i have promised to try, this is all that can be expected from any yid)

but i am missing the apology. i never apologized, and i just need to know how.

i am going to work on not focusing on these feelings, and moving forwards, just as bards has told me to.

but my heart still aches to know how to tell HaShem i am sorry.

dt

move on

pleaaese



this is what we mean the "rebbe reb elimeilich z'tl did teshuvah for u already

its a long shmuz

just move on

bardichev wrote on 19 Dec 2010 20:53:


can u link me 2 this post?

Rabosai, the Ribono Shel Olom has answered my Tefilos and sent me my answer through the chizuk email:

  * A repair for spilling seed inappropriately is to make efforts to bring people to repent. (Note: Midah Kineged Midah. Also Step 12 of the 12 Steps)

all my kiruv work! i will focus even more efforts to my kiruv krovim and rechokim.

i feel so much better knowing there is a path towards forgiveness

you already do so much towards that by spreading cheer and chizuk through this forum

much continued hatzlacha!

Ditto zemiros

aw shucks you guyszes  :-[

sometimes i just want to run up to the roof of my house, lift my hands up to the sky and scream 'g-d is great! g-d is good! g-d, you are one awesome dude I LOVE YOU'

g-ds so good to me all the time. i have legs that walk, eyes that see, ears that hear...i have friends who love me, a great support network for the biggest nisayon in my life GYE, a flexible job....i have my health, my smile, and a happy nature...

g-d takes such good care of me! it's so easy, sometimes, for me to completely forget and ignore the good parts of my life...

sometimes, me and G-d share such a casual, relaxed relationship. he hangs out with me and does for me so much all day i just take Him for granted and forget to appreciate it all.

I have to remember that this is G-D, Mr. Awesome the Ribono Shel Olom whom i fell madly in love with years ago.
i love you, my HaShem!!!!



so i just needed to get that out of my system. thanks for listening.

wow wow!

good good!