2004 article

Dealing with Low Self Esteem

by Arye Ackerman

A substantial majority of emotional or behavior problems are due to one common underlying factor, an unjustified and unwarranted feeling of low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is likely to interfere with family relationships, social relationships, occupation, spiritual growth and every aspect of ones life.

Dr. Abraham Twerski, M.D. the founder and medical director of the Gateway Rehabilitation Center in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania, writes: "Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or whom we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it."

He defines the meaning of low self-esteem as a feeling of inadequate, inferior, dull, socially inept, unattractive, unlikable and "alone against the world". You have nothing to offer or contribute. You don't think you are worthy of respect and love. You have no feeling of self-value and respect.

People who have negative self-images are extraordinary sensitive. Their egos are so fragile that they anticipate that their imaginary defects will be noticed. The most profound feelings of low self-esteem paradoxically occur most often in those people and children who in reality are most gifted.

Evaluating events in a negative way make you feel, sad, depressed, miserable, angry and anxious. Believing you are inferior, untalented, unimportant, influences your actual ability to achieve those traits. If you view yourself as unable to and not capable of achieving a goal, you actually wont be able to achieve it, even if you have sufficient and adequate qualifications to achieve that goal.

Early experiences can impact greatly on the beliefs we have about ourselves. Certainly parents, teachers, and other adults can do a great deal to make the road to self-esteem easier or harder. What you believe about yourself and your abilities serves as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your self-image is not an objective reality. It is based on who you think you are and what you are like. It is based on messages you received from your parents, brothers, sisters, friends, classmates, teachers, neighbors, and everyone else you met in your life.

While we cannot change the world or our past, we can change how we relate to them. There is nothing you can do to change the way you were treated in your childhood but you can change the way you think and feel in the present. Evaluating something in a positive way will always make you feel happy.

Self-esteem is comprised of two principle ingredients, feelings of competence and feelings of value. A person with a healthy self esteem loves, appreciates himself and thanks G-d for what He has given him. You have a positive outlook on life and look at each new day as an opportunity to learn, to experience the world and to achieve your goals.

Your feelings of self-respect are independent of others. You do not allow others to control you, but you do not feel the need to control others. You look at life and it's difficulties as challenges and opportunities for personal growth. You are commanded by G-d to strive, not necessarily to succeed. A person should recognize that that he has intrinsic value and worth and is a competent and capable individual.

Your emotions exist in order to motivate you to take an action. Guilt signals one to change. Pain signals one to care for oneself, and boredom, depression or anxiety, signals oneself to bring about change.

Many people experiencing emotional or behavioral difficulties, who seek psychiatric treatment for depression, have been depressed for most of their life as a result of their negative self-image. Anti-depressant medications will usually not help these people. Instead of the therapist trying to figure out what is wrong with his client, he may try to point out to his client, what is right with him.

Cheshbon Hanefesh, which is self-criticism, can be beneficial for you when you think of ways to improve. The Torah gives intrinsic meaning to all life regardless what he can or has achieved. The Torah commands each person to try, and try again, but not to believe that success is totally contingent on his particular behavior and effort. When this belief is in place, a person will not experience anger or depression even if he fails. Nowhere is a Jew commanded to succeed, but rather to act according to the commandments of the Torah. The person acts and G-d decides which path history will take.

Having weaknesses does not make you incompetent or a failure. The real purpose of life is to become the best person you can become and to utilize your abilities for good.

Self-esteem and happiness are interdependent. It is difficult or impossible to have a healthy self-esteem without being happy. In a home with true Torah and Simcha (happiness), where parents suspend their judgment of G-d and accept G-d's ways, it is likely that young children will absorb this. If parents only verbalize their faith but in practice do not have true acceptance of G-d's ways, their children are apt to follow suit.

Hope is to joy what despair is to depression. A Torah person, even in the depths of problems should find hope in his faith that G-d will never abandon him. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov said there is no such thing in reality as hopelessness. Despair does not exist. Despair is a distortion of reality and a hallucination.

Self-esteem does not solve all the problems of life. Struggle is intrinsic to life. Sooner or later everyone experiences anxiety and pain. While self-esteem can make one less vulnerable, it cannot make one ignorant of his feelings.

Think of self-esteem as the immune system of consciousness. If you have a healthy immune system, you might become ill, but you are less likely to; if you do become ill, you will likely recover faster, your resilience is greater. Similarly, if you have high self-esteem, you might still know times of emotional suffering, but less often and with a faster recovery. Its presence does not guarantee fulfillment, but its absence guarantees anxiety, frustration and despair.

Our sages mentioned the subject of self-esteem and ways to correct this flaw in character, in many of the Holy Books. The one solution helpful to everybody is, support and encouragement. King Solomon said, " When you have worry in your heart, speak to somebody". Rabbi Elemelech from L'znsk says in the "zetel katan", a person should find a friend who he can trust and speak about his faults and get support from him. A proven method to achieving a positive self-image is to acknowledge and share your anxious feelings with others.

Self-esteem support groups, provides support and encouragement. A group will help you recognize your potential, skills, talents and abilities and help you realize that you're not the only one with this problem.

The purpose of working the 12 steps of self-esteem is much the same as that of working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous; namely, to free ourselves of a pathologic dependency and to get support.

It takes participants on a journey toward self-discovery by enhancing self-awareness, identity formation, self theory and goal setting. You will walk away inspired and motivated to reach for new levels of accomplishment and personal growth.

"Leap,and the net will appear" (Zen saying)

We call this Bitachon

We are afraid to give up our unhealthy tendencies

Don't be afraid

Hashem set up the net-It's safe-- and its the path to true freedom and happiness

Leap,and the net will appear

What was Naaseh,V'Nishma???

A Huge Leap

Yes , it's scary

But we trust the One who gives us the net

we are safe and sound with Him.

Leap,and the net will appear

dear brothers and sisters

have a wonderful and inspiring Shevuos

THE HOLINESS OF SHAVUOT NIGHT by Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach New York, 1988.

On the night of Shavuot, Jews stay up all night learning the Torah. One of the reasons we stay up all night is because on the night prior to the revelation on Mount Sinai all the Jews went to sleep and had to be awakened by Moshe Rabbeinu. In remembrance of this event, we remain awake all Shavuot night. The Alexandrer Rebbe asks a very interesting question. "How is it possible," he wonders,"that the Jewish people went to sleep on the night before revelation? After all, we learn from other sources that for forty nine days they prepared themselves spiritually in the deepest possible ways, counting the Omer every night so that they would be ready to receive the Torah. After working so hard to prepare themselves, why should they suddenly falter? "They slept that night," the Alexandrer Rebbe answered, "because of their great humility. They had learned humility from Moses who was the most humble man on Earth. On the night before the revelation each family member thought to himself, "G-d will reveal himself to all the Jews but not to me and my family because we really don't deserve it" All the parents told their children on the night of Shavuot, "let's not go tomorrow morning to the revelation we will be the only ones who will be sent home by Moses, telling us that we are not ready yet."

The Alexandrer Rebbe then asks a second question. "Why do we behave as if their decision to sleep that night requires correction. After all, we have just said that their decision to sleep was based on humility, which would seem praiseworthy. Yet we commemorate. their action by staying awake as if we were connecting an old mistake. Why should we stay awake if their sleep had such holy meaning?" The Alexandrer Rebbe explains that what our forefathers did not understand is that no one can prepare himself well enough to actually deserve the Torah. It is solely a gift from heaven. We stay awake all Shavuot night in order to tell ourselves and our children, "It's true we have not prepared ourselves properly and it's true that we don't deserve to receive the Torah but G-d wants to give me a gift and I'd better be there on time."

Some of our sages explain their decision to sleep in a slightly different way. They say that we can compare our ancestors to a bride and groom. When do a bride and groom most feel like calling off a wedding?  A  few minutes before the wedding is when a bride and groom suddenly realize how awesome a marriage is and become frightened. In the same way our ancestors became frightened that the Torah would be too much for them. When we stay up all Shavuot night and learn Torah we give ourselves the strength to be fearless and to face everything that G-d puts in front of us. Let this Shavuot mark a new beginning to give us strength to begin our Yiddishkeit all over again. Let us not flinch from the responsibilities which this gift carries with it. Let us remember that the precious gift of the Torah is given to us not because we deserve it, but because it is indicative of G-d's great love for us.

from meaningfullife.com

The Cosmic Marriage
by Simon Jacobson


More ink has been spilt over this topic than any other. More songs sung, poems written and films produced. Why the unquenchable thirst? What is it about the love between a man and a woman that inspires endless fascination bordering on obsession? Many regard the attraction between the sexes as a biological instinct, an emotional need or a primal impulse. Judaism, however, views the attraction between a man and a woman as a sacred search that is deeply imbedded in the cosmic makeup of the universe.

The spiritual mystery of the union between man and woman is implied in the name given to the festival of Shavuot. In the Talmud, Shavuot is referred to as “The Marriage Day.” What marriage occurred on this day? At Mount Sinai God gave mankind the gift of the Torah - a blueprint to enable man to spiritualize the physical world. Shavuot is thus considered a marriage between God and the people, between heaven and earth.

The use of the term marriage in relation to the giving of the Torah suggests a parallel to physical marriage. The giving of the Torah was an awesome event, an unprecedented Divine experience. What does this unique spiritual encounter between man and God have to do with the corporeal marriage between a man and woman? Let us explore some parallels between the divine and the human models of marriage.

Unconditional Acceptance

The midrash relates that before God gave the Torah to the Jewish people, He said: “Accept Me … and then accept My decrees.” In a marriage relationship, it is essential to accept and embrace your partner as they are in essence before addressing individual needs. Too often we treat marriage only as a contract based on mutual benefit: “I will look after the kids and cook the meals if you take out the garbage and pay the bills.” Marriage is not merely a composite of details, it not just about convenience or getting the job done, it’s about embracing another soul in your life.

There are two kinds of love – selfish and selfless love. Selfish love is conditional - you love on condition that your needs are met, and when your partner falls short of serving your needs, you may be tempted to reject them and search elsewhere. With conditional love, we see our partners as an extension of ourselves and feel that it is our responsibility to correct or change them. Although we constantly learn from each other, the role of a spouse is not that of an authority or a teacher, but that of an equal. The Torah tells us that marriage begins with unconditional love and acceptance of the entire person - first “accept Me” and the details will follow from there.

Partnership

At Mount Sinai, God initiated a reciprocal relationship, a partnership with mankind. When God descended onto Mount Sinai, it was necessary for Moses to respond by ascending the mountain. Judaism teaches that the relationship between man and God is not an immature reliance or passive dependence on heaven. We believe that God’s blessing is present in all that we do, but it is incumbent upon us to utilize the tools and resources at our disposal to fashion a vessel to contain the blessing.

The give and take of a dynamic relationship between husband and wife necessitates a mature sense of self. Ascending the mountain symbolizes the confidence that you matter, that you as an individual have a vital role to play in the world. When this is lacking, unhealthy co-dependence can arise where partners rely on each other to compensate for their own lacks. Marriage partners should look to each other to complement who they are so that together they can create a powerful partnership.


Vision

God shared a vision with us at Mount Sinai, a blueprint of how to bring sanctity and spirituality into the world. Perhaps the ingredient most lacking in marriages today is a shared spiritual vision. People often marry because of physical, intellectual, emotional and psychological compatibility, but don’t take into consideration spiritual compatibility. Spiritual compatibility entails not just a shared desire to build a home and family, it also involves a spiritual vision of how you, as a couple and a family, want to impact the world; how you envision your unique contribution to others; how you intend to build something that is greater than both of you.


Shavuot, the Marriage Day, inspires us to view marriage not just as a union between two people, but as the marriage between heaven and earth, between God and man. When we harness the mystical power of love and marriage, recognizing that it is a manifestation of the divine union, our marriages will become a microcosm of a cosmic marriage. The unity this manifests will penetrate through the physical and spiritual dimensions shining a light for eternity.

Wow again. Thanks so much, Yechida.

from Reb Shlomo

have a wonderful Shabbos

"....We say 'Yevarechecha Hashem Veyishmerecha', Hashem bless you and keep you. 'Yaer Hashem Panav Eilecha Veyichuneka', Hashem should light his face upon you.

How does that sound to you? It's again one of those very shallow stupid translations, right. 'Yevarechecha Hashem Veyishmerecha'. Hashem should bless but there is something I want to give them so deep into their heart. But this can only be received by the deepest deepest depths of their heart, right. But Hashem forbid, if that...if the deepest depths, this little pool out there is closed, nothing I can do right.....

....You know much Hashem wants to give us? Hashem wants to give us so much light, but that light can only fit in this deepest deepest pool of my heart, into the deepest depths of my being. So listen how beautiful this is. Here the priests are blessing Israel, the first thing is Yevarechecha Hashem. Hashem should open that inside pool inside of you. Hashem should open that pool inside of you. Hashem should make you a vessel for this deepest deepest deepest deepest flow from heaven.

Okay now, you know friends, a lot of times you reach people for a minute and the next day they don't know your name, right, lots of times. Sometimes you meet people, you mamesh think they are your best friends, they are close to you, and the next morning you'll see them. They will say' Why, what's going on here, what do you want?

......So here the second blessing is Veyishmerecha. I bless you that whenever this deepest depths of Hashem's glow reaches Veyishmerecha, you should guard it, don't let it go. Keep it inside. And here I want you to know something very deep. The question is not only do you have this deep pool that you knock on the door and (sometimes it should stay there) (-not clear at all on tape)? It's not enough to be open, you also have to close the door sometimes, right. I want you to know something on the deepest depths. I love somebody very much.

I want to be alone with them sometimes. If I meet someone, all I want to meet you and keep you. Let me ask you, you have to be Hashem in order to make those beautiful words together? Hashem can do better than that, right? Okay, let me share with you one of the greatest rabbis in the world, the heilige heilige Radziner. And this is, if I can tell you mamesh to open your hearts. I want you to know something so deep. Yevarechecha, the word blessing.....Have you ever been in Israel, they ask you where is the swimming pool, you say 'Eifo Habreicha?' Breicha means pool, the big pool, right. It's not a little pot where you cook hot water for coffee. Breicha means a big pool. So the first thing is, you know what the problem is with most people? I'm sure with me, maybe not with you. The inside of our heart is so closed, the inside of the inside is so closed. And I don't even have....my heart isn't open up for blessing, my pool is not open to receive that which Hashem wants to give me the most.

Okay, lets take a mother and children, father and children. Sure, I want to give my children a peanut butter sandwich, I want them to have a good time, your blessings, are you locking the doors? ........."

This is what Hashem want to give us, something so deep so private just for me, then I will keep it and remember it forever, this make my vessels so complete to receive the ultimate blessing from above. You know how come after the highs I reach on Shabbos or Yom Kippur, its not with me the next day, its because I didn’t close the doors, like a swimming pool if I don’t block the plug all water runs out. That’s the blessing Vyishmerocho Hashem should show you how to keep the blessing and the light in the deepest place of your heart forever.

Then it says Yoeir Hashem Ponov Eilecho, Hashem should shine his face upon you, this we can see when we give a gift for someone close to us, if the look at the gift then our friendship is not so close, but if they look mamesh at me in my eyes, then they really are close to me, so this blessing is that when Hashem gives us all the blessings, we should not focus on the gift just remember to look at hashem’s face kivoyochel, and Hashem should shine his face upon us, also when we learn we can look and admire the nice letters, but we really need tosee is the Yoeir Hashem Ponov Eilecho, it’s a different kind of learning a different kind of shabbos.

Then it say Vichinecko, Hashem should give us Chen grace and charm,  you know sometimes we do a favor for someone without hesitation not because they are so extra clever or beautiful, just because they have grace, so this blessing is that we should merit the blessings from Hashem not because we are judged if we deserve it or not, just because we have grace and Chen.

So is it when I give my child a present if I tell him its because he was a good boy, he thinks he gets it only because he deserves it, but my connection to him is not on a deserving level, just because I love him, the present is so much deeper, so much more meaning.

Then its says Yiso Hashem Ponov Eliecho Veyosem Lecho Sholom, so the Ishbitzer says the deepest torah in the world, that I can give a present to my small child, when I stand tall and he is belittled standing at his small height, but then it can mean so much deeper if I actually go down to his level and give it to him this shows the deepest love I have to him, so this is the blessing, That Hashem should mamesh lift us up even for a few seconds while he gives us all the blessings, this will so much more to us, that we are mamesh lifted to new heights a heavenly gift.

And then comes Veyosem Lecho Sholom, Hashem will give us Peace, because if two people are arguing I cant come and argue my way to peace, on the same level of war and arguments peace cannot reign, I mamesh have to lift them all up to a new level and if they are on higher level just for a few moment how can they hate each other how can they argue or make war between them, so this blessing is that Hashem will lift us and give us the privilege that whoever we meet, we will lift them up so high that we will ultimately bring peace to them all.

This is what will happen on the great day we are waiting for, When Moshiach will come, how will we begin to love each other how will he get rid of all anger, hatred and war of the world, just by lifting us up to a new higher godly level, we will look at each other with new eyes, with so much grace and charm, so this is the final and ultimate blessing that Hashem will fix all our vessels to be able to receive the real blessing of Shalom of peace reaching the deepest depth of our hearts, Shall we all be Zocha to
this great day fast in our days, Omein.

Dear friend yechida, I am one of those people who forget good things my friends do for me the very next day. Nu, he's not done with me yet. But what you posted here is precious to me and i can b"H hear that man's voice saying these things. Thank you again. Perhaps the nexy time I open a sefer I'll remember to ask Hashem to help me see His "face" in the learning, and to find a way to learn it with the same love that He gives it to me. Love for Him and love for His people.

thank you dov

another point which I saw by someone named A.Kraus

All those broken highways
that I once traveled
are being repaired
today

so the face that was turned the other way is now facing us-and shining will brilliant light

the highway, all the more majestic,because of the fact that it was once broken.

Hashem's love for us was never broken.

Written right after Shevuos

Thoughts to carry into the summer months

Soul connected to
Its source
Receiving the revelation
Of God’s word

Now, it’s time
To go down the
Mountain
Bring God’s words
Of great light
Into places of
Darkness.

To shine our soul’s light
Even there.

That is our sacred and special task
In the warm summer months
Where extra sunlight and warmth
Can paradoxically bring
Darkness into the world

So we bring forth
Our soul’s light
Accessed by each one of us
To make light the darkness
So that the light of the summer sun,
Reflects the inner light
Of our souls
And brings healing and joy
To all who see it

May God bless us all
With a summer
Of purity, of pure love
Of inner richness of soul
Infusing our bodies
To joyfully do His will

Become Your Essence
by Susan W Zarajczyk


know all of what is you...


explore

explore every molecule
of this vessel
which is this body
this form

know yourself
down to your cells
discover their individuality
feel the core of your being

become your essence

explore

who are you ???
who do your cells tell you you are ???

drift along the waves
of the ocean
of your imagination
which is as a bottomless well
of infinite space...
which is you

but who are you ???
do you really know who you are ???

probably not

because
you're in the constant state of blooming...
becoming you

the different parts of you...
the different sides of you...

know all of what is you...

become your essence

Hashem is everywhere

Shivers
by Darlene C. Zagata

Did you ever feel that someone is in the room with you although you see no one?



I feel the shivers
as a cold chill
runs down my spine.

A cool breeze rushes past
although the windows
are closed.

The cat stares
into nothingness
at an invisible presence.

Is there an entity here
from another dimension?
Something maybe,
beyond human senses.

I feel the shiver
and the coolness in the air.
Is it my imagination
or is someone really there?

often we fall into bad behaviors because at that moment we forget our true value

we have alot more within us than what mr yetzer horah would have us believe.

you may think,that guy across the street,that neighbor,that yid in shul,----he's just average.

I'm below average

At most,I'm average

not true

there is no such thing as "average"

the word "average" does not exist in God's dictionary.

It a very destructive untrue words

A word that destroys,a word that stunts growth,a word that does not allow us to grow.

"Kol Yachid V'Yachid Hu Olam Molay"

every Yid is an entire universe

we cry over the six million lost.

A Yid knows he hasn't stopped crying over the first one yet.

choose just one of the six million

a single eight year old

an entire world in that one eight year old

a complete universe...

so are we...

each on of us...

and an addict triggers World War 3 on his universe.

It's time for the War to end.

Time for peace

for rebuilding

healing the vast universe that is you.....


Adhesion Of Uniqueness
by David Lester Young

Dig deeper into your existence
Deeper than the Grand Canyon
Into the deepest part of inner space
Where things come together
In the adhesion of uniqueness

Using your own words build your masterpiece
Expressing the greatest inner brilliance
In the aromatic bouquet of self respect
Creating the arrangement of wild imaginations
Which explode in great eruptions

In the isolation of observation
Put depth into clarity
Create visions of a fireworks show
Feelings that ride angel wings of flight
Emotions that fires the Northern Lights

In the storm that is your destiny
Electrify your space in thundering rolls
That exit in triumph claiming your purpose
In the warmth of a loving heart
Within a monumental existence


Thought: In the inner soul of uniqueness lies the masterpiece of self respect.

nice!

thanks

Basic article from selfhelp.org about internet addiction,the growing plague in our frum society that is destroying lives from the inside,corroding our communities inside like a apple that perhaps still looks very good on the outside,but is wormy on the inside.

but sooner or later the facade will disappear,the cracks in the armor will widen,the external acting will be to difficult to continue,the jug will burst,and the ugly warts will be exposed for the whole world to see.

this disease hits good boys,good girls,kollel people,working people,young and old,chassidim and litvaks,single and married,good learners,talmidei chachamim as well as some rabbonim.

No one is safe unless safeguards are put up,as discussed by Guard and others on this site again and again and again.So if you read most of the literature on this site you know what is in this article already-but chazarah never hurts.

I heard a tape from the Torah UmeSorah Convention.The Novominsker Rebbe said that often the "problem children" issue starts at an early stage when young bochurim are to ashamed or too afraid to open up to their parents or Rabbeim to what is really trouble them.and then it eats at them ,eats at them, until it becomes a very serious problem.

I think that in many cases,that private fear or shame pulls these young boys and girls further and deeper in Internet Hell.

adults ,even frum ones, can be brain dead

a kid needs an outlet, a healthy one, to let out the emotions and thoughts and feelings that are concerning them.

And if a kid does not see a healthy outlet avaliable to them,they will find any avenue they can to escape their pain.

A kid who does not like to learn, but likes swimming or sports or painting or construction must be allowed those avenues of activity while you work on the ruchnius issues hand in hand, with letting them do what they feel they need to do,in a kosher and healthy way

you block those activities from them,they will end up with issues of sex addiction or drug addiction.

No question about it.

But you see, we have this problem.

"Is Past Nisht"-It's not befitting for a Ben-Torah from a Chusheve Mishpacha to be active in such mundane activities as swimming or painting etc etc

So instead,

we bury this kid in an grave

push him into  Hell

and then we think "What did I do to deserve such a messed up kid?

You know,it happens in the Best Mishpachos.

A korbon

Nu,Nu

Too Bad



Internet Addiction
Signs, Symptoms, Treatment, and Self-Help

The Internet has revolutionized how we communicate, learn, and work. With so much information available, how much is too much Internet use? When you feel more comfortable with your online friends than your real ones, or you can’t stop yourself from playing games, gambling, or compulsively surfing, than you may be using the Internet too much. Learn about the signs and symptoms of Internet addiction and how you can get balance back in your online life.

In This Article:
What is Internet addiction?
Signs and symptoms
Risk factors
Cybersex addiction
Self-help tips
Treatment and support
Helping a child or teen

What is Internet addiction or computer addiction?
Internet use has exploded in recent years, providing a constant, ever-changing source of information and entertainment. News headlines are updated by the minute, not just daily. You can connect with literally hundreds of people on social networking sites like MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter. Email, online chat and message boards allow for both public and anonymous communication about almost any topic imaginable, down to the smallest detail. We all enjoy the benefits of the Internet, and for many it is an indispensable tool for work as well.  So how much is too much Internet usage?

The concept of compulsive Internet use is relatively new and is not yet formally recognized as a psychological disorder, although research is underway in this area. However, there is increasing evidence that for some people, compulsive Internet use interferes with daily life, work and relationships.

Healthy vs. unhealthy Internet use
So what is healthy and what is unhealthy Internet use? There’s no easy answer because each person’s Internet use is so different. You might need to use the Internet extensively for your work, for example, or you might rely heavily on social networking sites to keep in touch with faraway family and friends. Spending a lot of time online isn’t necessarily a problem. But if you’re neglecting your relationships, your work, or other important things in your life, than you may have a problem with Internet addiction. Regardless of the name — Internet addiction, compulsive Internet use, problematic or unhealthy computer use — if your online activities are getting in the way of your “offline” life, it’s time to strike a new balance.

Signs of Unhealthy Computer Use
A person who is “addicted” to the computer is likely to have several of the experiences and feelings on the list below. How many of them describe you?

You have mixed feelings of well-being and guilt while at the computer.
You make unsuccessful efforts to quit or limit your computer use.
You lose track of time while on the computer.
You neglect friends, family and/or responsibilities in order to be online.
You find yourself lying to your boss and family about the amount of time spent on the computer and what you do while on it.
You feel anxious, depressed, or irritable when your computer time is shortened or interrupted.
You use the computer repeatedly as an outlet when sad, upset, or for sexual gratification.
You develop problems in school or on the job as a result of the time spent and the type of activities accessed on the computer.
When you are not on the computer, you think about it frequently and anticipate when you will use it again.
Source: The University of Texas at Dallas

Signs and symptoms of Internet addiction or computer addiction
Are you addicted to the Internet?
Take the Internet Addiction Test, provided by the Center for Internet Addiction and Recovery.
Signs and symptoms of compulsive Internet use may vary from person to person. There are no set hours per day or number of words typed that indicate Internet addiction, for example. But there are some general warning signs that your Internet use has become a problem:

Losing track of time online. Do you frequently find yourself on the Internet longer than you thought? Does a few minutes turn in to a few hours? Do you find yourself running late to appointments, school, or work because of too much time spent online? Do you get irritated or cranky if your online time is interrupted?
Having trouble completing tasks at work or home. Do you find laundry piling up and little food for dinner in the house because you’ve been busy online? Perhaps you find yourself working late more and more because you can’t complete your work on time — then staying even longer when everyone else has gone home and you can surf the Web freely.
Isolation from family and friends. Is your social life suffering because of all the time you spend online? Are you neglecting your family and friends? Do you feel like no one in your “real” life — even your spouse — understands you like your online friends?
Feeling guilty or defensive about your Internet use. Are you sick of your spouse nagging you to get off the computer and spend some time together? Do you hide your Internet use or lie about how much time you spend online?
Risk factors for Internet addiction and computer addiction
While research is still being done on the extent of Internet addiction, there are some risk factors that have been identified.

You are at greater risk of Internet addiction:

If you suffer from anxiety. You may use the Internet to distract yourself from your worries and fears. An anxiety disorder like obsessive-compulsive disorder may also contribute to excessive email checking and compulsive Internet use.
If you are depressed. The Internet can be an escape from feelings of depression, but too much time online can make things worse. Internet addiction further contributes to isolation and loneliness.
If you have any other addictions. Many Internet addicts suffer from other addictions, mainly to drugs, alcohol, gambling, and sex.
If you lack social support. Internet addicts often use chat rooms, instant messaging, or online gaming as a safe way of establishing new relationships and more confidently relating to others.
If you’re a teenager, you might be wondering where you fit in and the Internet might feel more comfortable than real life friends.
If you are less mobile or socially active than you are used to. For example, you may be coping with a new disability that limits your ability to drive. Parenting very young children can make it hard to leave the house or connect with old friends.
Internet pornography and cybersex addiction
The rise in Internet usage has also corresponded with the increasingly availability of online pornography. While cybersex addiction is a type of sexual addiction, special challenges on the Internet include its relative anonymity and ease of access. People can both spend hours on the net in the privacy of their own home, and engage in fantasies impossible in real life. 

Because real people cannot compete with fantasy, cybersex addiction can erode and even replace genuine intimate relationships. Maintaining relationships is also very difficult if you are on the Internet compulsively for hours.

How do I know if I am a sex addict?
If your sexual behaviors create legal, relationship, career, emotional or physical consequences, yet you continue to engage in those sexual behaviors anyway, then you likely have a problem. If your sexual behaviors take up more time, energy and focus than you would like or if they cause you to persistently act out in ways that go against your underlying values and beliefs, then you are likely a sex addict. Sex addicts, both men and women often find themselves thinking, "This is the last time that I am going to..." yet they ultimately feel compelled to return to the same or similar sexual situations, despite previous commitments to change.

Source: Sexual Recovery Institute

Self-help tips for breaking your Internet addiction
If you see you might have a problem with Internet usage, you’ve completed the hardest step towards a more balanced online life.  It’s very easy to rationalize or deny Internet addiction, and commitment towards a healthier balance will take you a long way. The following are some tools to get your Internet use under control. While you can put many of these in place yourself, make sure you get some outside support as well. It’s all too easy to slip back into old patterns of usage, especially if you use the Internet heavily for work.

Identify any underlying reasons that need treatment. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, for example, Internet addiction might be a way to self-soothe rocky moods. Have you had problems with alcohol or drugs in the past? Does anything about your Internet use remind you of how you used to drink or use drugs to numb out? Take a hard look at whether you need to address treatment in these areas, whether it is therapy for depression or going back to 12-step meetings.
Increase your coping skills. Perhaps blowing off steam on the Internet is your way of coping with stress or angry feelings. Or you have trouble relating to others, feeling excessively shy or feeling like you can never read people right in real life. Building skills in these areas will help you weather the stresses and strains of daily life without resorting to compulsive Internet use. Related Helpguide sites can be found below.
Strengthen your support network. The more relationships you have in real life, the less you will need the Internet for social interaction. Set aside dedicated time each week for spouse or other family. If you are shy, try finding common interest groups such as an exercise class or book reading club. This allows you to interact with others in a non-threatening way and allows relationships to naturally develop.
Modify your Internet use step by step:
To help you see problem areas, keep a log of how much you use the Internet for non-work related activities. You might find this challenging if you interweave recreational Internet use with work, but try to get a clear idea of when you use. Are there times of day that you use more? Are there triggers in your day that make you stay online for hours at a time when you planned for 5 minutes?
Set goals for when you can use the Internet. For example, you might try setting a timer for usage, scheduling use for certain times of day, or making a commitment to turn off the computer at the same time each night.
Replace your Internet usage with healthy activities. If you are bored and lonely, resisting the urge to get back online will be very difficult. Have a plan for other ways to fill the time, such as going to lunch with a coworker, taking a class, or inviting a friend over.
Internet addiction treatment, counseling, and support
Having trouble cutting back? It is not because you are weak willed. Compulsive behavior like Internet addiction can be hard to break. The more support you have during the process of cutting down, the more successful you will be.

Therapy and counseling for Internet addiction
Find help for Internet addiction
Click here to browse a referral directory from the Center for Internet Addiction Recovery.
Therapy can give you a tremendous boost in stopping excessive Internet use. Cognitive-behavioral therapy gives you step-by-step ways to stop compulsive Internet behaviors, working with a therapist on changing your thoughts and behaviors surrounding Internet use. Therapy can also help you learn healthier ways of coping with uncomfortable emotions. And if depression or anxiety is contributing to your excessive Internet use, therapy can also address that problem.

If your Internet use is affecting your partner directly, as with excessive cybersex or online affairs, marriage counseling can help you work through these challenging issues. Marriage counseling can also help you reconnect with your partner if you have been using the Internet for most of your social needs.

Although Internet addiction is not recognized as a formal psychological disorder, ask if your therapist or counselor has experience in treating compulsive Internet use.

Group support for Internet addiction
Since Internet addiction is relatively new, it can be hard to find a real life support group dedicated to that issue like Alcoholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous. If that is a simultaneous problem for you, however, attending groups can help you work through your alcohol or gambling problems as well.  Sex Addicts anonymous may be another place to try if you are having trouble with cybersex. However, there may be groups that you can join to work on social and coping skills, such as for anxiety or depression.

There are some Internet addiction support groups on the Internet. However, these should be used with caution. Although they may be helpful in orienting you and pointing you in the right direction, you need real life people to best benefit from group support.

Helping a child or teen with an Internet addiction
It’s a fine line as a parent. If you severely limit a child or teen’s Internet use, they might rebel and go to excess. But you can and should model appropriate computer use, supervise computer activity and get your child help if he or she needs it. If your child or teen is showing signs of Internet addiction, there are many things that you as a parent can do to help:

Encourage other interests and social activities. Get your child out from behind the computer screen. Expose kids to other hobbies and activities, such as team sports, Boy or Girl Scouts, and afterschool clubs.
Monitor computer use and set clear limits. Make sure the computer is in a common area of the house where you can keep an eye on your child's online activity, and limit time online, waiting until homework and chores are done. This will be most effective if you as parents follow suit. If you can’t stay offline, chances are your children won’t either. 
Talk to your child about underlying issues. Compulsive computer use can be the sign of deeper problems. Is your child having problems fitting in? Has there been a recent major change, like a move or divorce, which is causing stress? Don’t be afraid to seek professional counseling if you are concerned about your child.
Children, teens, and cybersex
The increased use of the Internet puts children and teens at special risk. Sexual predators, under anonymity of the Internet, can spend hours developing a relationship with a child or teen in a chat room, where meeting them initially in real life would prove very difficult. Children or teens having a hard time fitting in or with problems at home are especially susceptible. These predators can eventually lure unsuspecting children or teens to meet them. If you suspect that a sexual predator has contacted your child, call the police right away.

Rav Pam ztl used to talk about the devastating effects of "Onoas Devorim"

This poem depicts what he said

Verbal Abuse
by David Lester Young
Friday, September 26, 2003


Vibrating abrasion,
words reaching so deep
the pain quakes within
feeling every syllable
tear the heart apart,
abusing delicate relations
within a few seconds,
never to be recovered
throughout life.

Saline tears
pitting facial expressions
wrinkling emotions
endless memories,
ghostly shadows
building with every attack
until the dam bursts
letting the demon inside loose
to separate two forever.

What was, will now never be
feelings felt, destroyed
within a few sad moments
of insensitivity and insanity
a few words said too quickly
never to be destroyed
by a mountain of good
loving each other
from those special times.

The past evaporating into hate
claiming another victim
no magic can erase
the words done in haste
still echoing within
attacking the foundation
love, lost forever, never
to be recovered by eternity.

If these words should silence you,
thinking about mirroring
those words inside you first,
finding them so acidic, upsetting,
that they must come out,
go into seclusion, yell them out
in protected isolation.
Then if you realize you still care
go back and hug what is still there
rebuilding the beauty of two
getting along in companionship
of God’s blessing a poet’s words