Already-Fought Battle by Jason Westlake


I stand at the starting line, prepared to go
Spectators don’t know I’m ready to fight
They don’t know I fought the battle before
And had already won before this day
Because the battle isn’t won on the field
It isn’t won in the manifestation
It’s won when nobody can see
Before the first play ever begins
It was won months ago in preparation
When I practiced daily making mistakes
When I couldn’t believe in myself
When forward I stumbled with every new step
It was won when no one else was around
When I had no enemy to conquer
When I was left all by myself
When I was fighting the battle within
It wouldn’t make sense to step to this line
Unless the battle was already won
Michael Jordan had won the game
Long before the play clock had started
I stand on the sidelines, ready to go
The game is just about to begin
The hard part for me is already over
For this is a battle I’ve already fought

This is related to the Tanya we are learning

We do not value ourselves nor do we realize what we accomplish when we do not give in to an unhealthy drive or impulse.

To the outside world (and even to ourselves) it looks like we did NOTHING.

when in reality,we are packing parachutes that are saving lives.

If we would know how much we are doing by simply saying NO to unhealthy impulses,it would be much much easier to do so.

Part of the challenge is to believe how precious this is to Hashem,despite that fact that we are not openly told that this is so.

But here and there,Hashem gives us hints,and gently nudges us to forge ahead.

Never give up.

we mat not see it but it is still the absolute truth

our parachutes saved  lives



Who Packed Your Parachute? 
Author Unknown 


Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory - he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

There is a place within us that the physical and spiritual are as one,where there is no conflict.

we daven that Hashem should help us find the true balance. 

From Julia Cameron

There is no separation between body and soul, spirit and matter. One essence, one unity runs through all of life. This essence, this God-force is completely pure, completely perfect. I claim for myself the health and perfection of this divine force. My body is beautiful, sacred, and beloved. Spirit infuses my body with radiant goodness. I experience vitality, enthusiasm, energy and power. My physical nature and spiritual nature are one and the same. My body’s needs and urges are divine in origin. As I listen to my inner guidance, I move more and more to perfect health, more and more abundant energy, more and more positive thoughts feelings and actions 

Gifts From The Heart 
Michael Josephson 


According to legend, a young man while roaming the desert came across a spring of delicious crystal-clear water. The water was so sweet he filled his leather canteen so he could bring some back to a tribal elder who had been his teacher. After a four-day journey he presented the water to the old man who took a deep drink, smiled warmly and thanked his student lavishly for the sweet water. The young man returned to his village with a happy heart.

Later, the teacher let another student taste the water. He spat it out, saying it was awful. It apparently had become stale because of the old leather container. The student challenged his teacher: "Master, the water was foul. Why did you pretend to like it?"

The teacher replied, "You only tasted the water. I tasted the gift. The water was simply the container for an act of loving-kindness and nothing could be sweeter."

I think we understand this lesson best when we receive innocent gifts of love from young children. Whether it's a ceramic tray or a macaroni bracelet, the natural and proper response is appreciation and expressed thankfulness because we love the idea within the gift.

Gratitude doesn't always come naturally. Unfortunately, most children and many adults value only the thing given rather than the feeling embodied in it. We should remind ourselves and teach our children about the beauty and purity of feelings and expressions of gratitude. After all, gifts from the heart are really gifts of the heart

Tanya  27-part 2

Rav Jacobson related the following

He attended a meeting of a group that got together as a search for spiritual growth

And one person stood up and told this story

For many years hr had been struggling with a very ugly impulse related to an intimate matter in his life (in the shiur, he did not say what it was)

For many many years he struggled with it, and it overtook him and destroyed his relationship with his wife and his family.

Years passed and it was eating up at him and he decided to change

He struggled for years and years and finally he overcame this impulse entirely. To the point that he actually lost the temptation for this impulse entirely.

He felt liberated. He was a free man.

He was happy. He was extremely grateful to Hashem that He pulled him out of this.

And then he bursts out crying.

This meeting was on a Tuesday night

The previous Friday he had to be on Madison Avenue in Manhattan and he observed an image that resurrected everything and it all came back to him. The whole nightmare came back. 

Everthing was there.

All those temptations I thought were dead and buried ,long long gone, were alive and well.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!! I AM AS DARK AS I EVER WAS,ALL MY EFFORTS FOR ALL THESE YEARS WERE REDUCED TO SHEER INSIGNIFICANCE.

“Satan was staring at me in the eye and was laughing”

“Do you have any idea how this feel?”

A trigger.

That pulls you back into a nightmare.
Does this not sound familiar?

How after all that hard work, you had already reached a very high plane, and these feelings and emotions plunge you right back into despair and sadness, what is it all worth? All that effort, all that toil, and I am the same despicable and low creature, nothing has changed!!

The answer partly lies in what the Tanya wrote all the way in the beginning, in the introduction, that people came to the Bal HaTanya with all types of problems and struggles, and it is clear that a lot of the Chassidim came with the issues set forth in this Chapter 27,how they came to him, crying that they fought and fought and fought, good Jews, precious Jews, Jews who worked on themselves for years and years and years, refining their character, and DESPITE all this, their inner soul is sick, very sick, impulses, instincts of a dark nature, of many grades and shades, keep on coming, keep on coming ,again and again , real bad stuff. What is this all about? Who am I? Where am I? and what type of person am I?

Many hundreds and even thousands of young boys and girls have these tough dilemmas in this dark generation, many yeshiva bochurim, those that are very idealistic, those that have not yet been “around the block”, not disillusioned yet, they decide “I WANT TO BE A REAL YID!” and they strive and strive and are happy in their striving, their neshomah shines, and they are shining, they wake up in the morning with a powerful yearning to serve Hashem, and then 3 days pass, or 3 weeks, and if they are lucky 3 months, and then they discover to their dismay that they have ugliness within them. Chambers and hallways filled with lust and selfishness and egoism and beastliness and a drive toward doing immoral twisted things. Apparently, Hashem is not his Best Friend anymore. Torah is not his only yearning. Judaism is not his only partner in life. Other things interest him and excite him. And he is far far from the person he wishes to be. and after tons and tons of hard work you are still left with tons and tons of garbage still within.

What happens to a young boy or girl who experiences this?

They are crushed.

What do you tell them?

What is the truth about their nature and inner personality?

This crushed spirit can be uplifted and can be saved from a lot of turmoil

If only they were told the right thing by the right person.

But, for many reasons, this never happens.

So they bear this burden they should not have to bear.

This is not a burden to carry alone.

It is not meant to be carried alone.

That is why so many are crushed by its weight.

Sorry, but - really. When this happens to me, I say to myself, "well, what do you expect from an addict?" Sometimes I chuckle, "well, there I go again, still chasing!". And my pride goes back where it came. And it feels a lot better.
As long as I don't act out, lusting after a higher madreiga or "accomplishment" in life - even spiritual -is something I lost my liscence for when I first began trying to turn my life over to Him. It's purely His business, now, not mine.

Does that mean something to you?

paradoxically,the turning over your life over to Him,is a great accomplishment whether you feel that it is so or not.this is not pride,this is not ego.this is not some keeping of a spiritual report card.your decision to turn your life over to Him was YOUR business not HIS.YOU made that step.YOU let HIM take over.And that is why all your friends here love you and admire you.

Tanya 27 part 3

Rav Jacobson continues:

So , this young man or young woman is keeping all this buried inside.

A neshomah that strives for spirituality and nearness to Hashem, by sees in itself a lot of dark and twisted things ,some of which they are not even sure where its coming from or why it’s there.

So when this ugliness surfaces ,there are generally two reactions

1-Disillusionment-I thought I was pure and good. I thought I was a refined person. But I’m not. This spiritual stuff was a farce. That is not the real me.

2-Despair and Sadness- and this is what Chasidim came into the Bal HaTanya crying about. Weeping and crushed in spirit because of what is within their inner selves. 

And this chapter 27 is a major revelation-an eye opener ,filled with wisdom and compassion.

He is telling you “Why are you getting depressed? Because there is so much negativity within you that you have to battle? IT’S NOT A NEGATIVE  PHENOMENON, IT’S PERFECTLY FINE, IT’S NORMAL ,EVEN GOOD, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!”

THIS IS YIDDISHKEIT!!

YIDDISHKEIT  NEVER DEMANDS FROM YOU TO RID YOURSELF OF EVERY NEGATIVE IMPULSE WITHIN YOU

THIS NOTION OF ERADICATING EVERY NEGATIVE URGE FOR MOST YIDIN IS IMPOSSIBLE AND EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY IT IS NOT NEEDED!!

IT IS YOUR OBLIGATION TO BATTLE IT, TO LET GO OF IT, TO 12-STEP IT, TO 90 DAY IT, TO RUN AWAY FROM  IT, TO IGNORE IT, TO RAIL AT IT, TO CRY TO HASHEM TO SAVE YOU FROM GIVING IN TO IT.

BUT THE IMPULSES THEMSELVES ARE NOT EXPECTED TO BE DESTROYED.

Hashem never expected you to destroy it.

He never did.

So yes, you fight it in whatever way that you can but “it” itself you cannot will out of existence.

So when these temptations and tests come (despite your normal and required caution) CELEBRATE!!. because those tzaddikim who indeed are born without Mr yetzer horah or those select few who have the ability to murder him, they lose this mitzvah of Lo Sosuru-but you have this mitzvah. And it is a truly great mitzvah 

The giving in to the temptation is the problem.

Or putting yourself in a situation that can aggravate and awaken the temptation is a problem

But the very existence of that temptation within you is not the problem.

Not only is it not the problem, IT’S SUPPOSE TO BE THERE!!

Hashem put it there

He wants it there.

He even wants it to stay there all your life.

Why?

Because He wants and needs this battle.

This is why you are here.

So don’t beat yourself up for being you – even the dark part of you

I don’t want you to hate yourself because of this darkness within you

Because I want it there

I want you to fight.

(and as alluded to in previous posts,letting Hashem handle things for you,paradoxically,is a form of fighting)

Do Not Fear by R Kook     

Exaggerated fear removes the radiance of life from people and from any creature that can experience feelings. There is nothing in the world, no matter how evil and cruel, that is quite like it. It magnifies all evils beyond comparison to what they really are, and it darkens the brightness of all good things, for it burrows beneath their foundations and excessively claims that evil is hidden beneath the obvious good. The source of all weakness and all feebleness, whether physical, ethical, or intellectual, solely a fear that crosses beyond its proper boundary. Such a fear terrifies a person so much that he will do nothing to save himself. He will not even lift a finger to help himself, because he is afraid that he might be hurt, he is afraid that action may bring an evil that he cannot escape. And finally, this fear weakens and enfeebles him so much that out of his inertia and inaction, he falls prey to every evil.

The most damaging fear is mental fear. This falsity casts a delusion upon the most sensitive and beautiful members of the human race, people who stand as a banner, who serve as luminaries that will brighten the paths of life for everyone. Shadow always follows light, and so the more a person is able to understand and grow wise, the more does his delusional fear, resulting from his thoughts, increase.

[Various] nations have the ability to grow wise, to gather together and connect everything of an elevated and holy nature that was scattered and separated into one inclusive bloc, with counsel and knowledge in matters that stand at the apex of the world. But superior to all of them is the people of Israel. They are the one nation that carries the flag of the most raised thought in the world, the thought that contains all that wisdom stores within itself: the thought of oneness. "God is in the heavens above and upon the earth below; there is no other."

Indeed, [we] must always broaden the boundary of consciousness to an infinite degree-with a brave heart, without fright, without any recoil and fear at all. Fear "due to the oppressor who prepares to destroy" (cf. Isaiah 51:13) has lowered the universal spirit of our nation, which is girded in might, until it recoils from and fears every thought and idea-and thus [it recoils from and fears] every action and any great and inclusive act. And since the essence of the foundation of [our nation's] might is the strength of God, when it is spiritually weak, it grows very weak and feeble. At such a time, the most honorable help for our nation is removing from its heart this fear that comes from spiritual delusion, and demonstrating, as clear as the sun, that it has nothing whatsoever to fear.

Let the nations that boast of their idols fear that the general power of delusion that affects their communal society will shatter. Let every evil government fear that the light of truth and honesty will show that the goal of all their longings is a willful criminal fist and perverted justice. Let it fear that when the light of pure thought gains strength, it will show how disgusting that government is. And thus the universal chains will snap, and their national strength will fall totter.

But why should Israel fear? We are the nation whose strength and refuge is the most elevated light of the purest and most uplifted thought, whose glory and beauty, hope and desire, is the purest and most unalloyed justice. We need only to rise, only to grow wiser and wiser, with that which is already planted in us and gathered in our innermost essence. Only then will we be filled with salvation and light. Then we will see our great worthiness, and how degraded are those who trample upon us with the foot of pride. And the more our nation's thought grows and is broadened, the more will we recognize our nation's soul and the beauty of its glory, until it will rise and ascend to show everyone the treasure of life hidden within it, until all the inhabitants of the world will recognize and see that our nation's spirit is the spirit of God, and the soul of the Almighty is its soul.

Divine inspiration and divine light can come upon Israel only when the evil and wild fear that clings to it like an encompassing wound, that extends days of exile and the persecutions of our degraded, evil enemies, is removed from within its soul.

God's Presence only rests upon a person who is wise, mighty, and wealthy (Shabbat 82a), and only in a place of joy (ibid 30b). Since this is true of an individual, how much does it apply to the entire nation. "Wealth" can be read in its simple meaning: a present from God given from the heights, usually only this-worldly effort. "May Hashem your God bless you in all that you do" (Deuteronomy 15:18). But there is [also] a wealth of consciousness, when a person knows how to rejoice in his portion. This too can be experienced by an individual or by the entire nation. But as for might-and joy, which is its consequence-that can come only by means of a rectification of the spirit, a rectification of consciousness and thought. And in regard to that, we have been assured that "If a person says, 'I toiled and I did not find' or 'I did not toil and I found,' do not believe him" (Megillah 6b).

In the end of days, in the [age of the] "heels of the Messiah," when the divine light stands behind our walls, the first of all preparations is the removal of fear, the excrescence of thought, from the general spirit-in particular from the spirits of outstanding individuals, those people who are graced with a good mind, with a talent for holiness and justice, for it is they who are most affected by fear and weakness.

The impetus to accomplish this is provided by its opposite force: the force of arrogance, which must grow stronger at such a time-for where there is arrogance there is no fear. [It is true that arrogance] comes from a degraded place, from a place of intoxication and confusion. As great as the distance from the heavens to the earth, so is the distance between arrogance and the might that results from the heavenly blessing of the wealth of the soul and the strength of its righteousness. Nevertheless, we act utilizing the strong power of arrogance in order to take the good from it, the sparks of holiness, the innermost core: the cease of mental fear. And that is due to the strength that is promised, that is hidden, in the treasury of our lives.

Then, might will become a part of the weave of holiness, and thought will blossom.

"Do not fear, for you shall not be shamed. And do not be abashed, for you will not be shamed, for you shall forget the shame of your youth, and the shame of your widowhood you will no longer recall" (Isaiah 54:4).
Hador, pp. 119-121

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.

(Soren Kierkegaard)

We fear that by giving up what we lust for we are giving up great pleasures in life

False.

By running after those lusts you hurry past real pleasures (not only spiritual,even physical real healthy pleasures) and that is a lost opportunity

its a paradox

but as you create those borders and gates, you have the time and piece of mind to create a beautiful rose garden within it.

There is very intense and real pleasure within those healthy borders.

I ask Hashem this.

I will make those gates and borders and red lights and stop signs and even huge walls and mechitzos

but please let me see and feel the beauty and love and pleasure and happiness-within those walls You asked me to put up.

I think He wants us to ask this of Him.

And He is more than happy to give it to us.

yechida wrote on 15 Jan 2010 15:11:
Yechida -  Your line I highlighted above in blue describes a huge michshol for me in my illness. Huge.
The rest of your message equally well describes what I am discovering - in recovery.
Thanks for shining the light on it for me.  

Its very true, of course. Yechida, thanks for reminding us.

Dov & Kutan

I struggle with these things myself.I must constantly remind myself of it.There are days that are not as pleasant ,because I do not often feel the joy and contentment within those walls that I correctly erected.But Hashem is Kind ,and He give me those gifts from time to time , a glimpse of the inner beauty within those walls,within my shul,within my home,within my wife,within my children,within my inner self.

And during those times that I feel constricted and confined or unhappy or an outside negative pull breaches through the wall,I try to not pay heed to it.Not easy to do, not feel the warmth and comfort with those walls,so why not go out?let it out,you will feel better,that voice pleads with me.and some times my body pleads for it too.But somehow I tap into that previous warmth,even if not felt in the heart,it is understood in the brain.During those darker times felt in my soul I ask Hashem that He help me not go out,stay within those walls,and to give me strength to do this, not reluctantly,as if I am missing something I could have gotten,but with inner simcha.I do not always feel that inner simcha within my walls.sometimes,honestly,I feel the exact opposite.But I know I told Hashem I want to be happy here and I meant it with all my heart.I do not want to see any other woman other than my wife.and I only want to see the goodness in her in all aspects of her,I ask Hashem to help me do this too.Do I fail sometimes?certainly.I feel very bad when I do.But I know that in my heart this is what I want and I tell Hashem this and I ask Him to help me get there.   

most will not say this,but deep in the heart of your husband or wife,this is being whispered to you

Can You Ever Love Me for Me?
  by: Miriam Campo, , Source Unknown


Can you ever love me for me?
For the me that I am true and true
Can you love me with my imperfections?
Can you see me as I am and not as what you want me to be?
Can you ever love me for me?
For the me that makes mistakes and speaks without thinking
Can you love me even when I am unreasonable?
Can you see me as I am and not for the Angel you seek?
Can you ever love me for me?
For the me that cries when a stranger child is hurt
Can you love me when I am sad without me having a reason to be?
Can you see me as I am not as what I once was?
Can you ever love me for me?

a poem someone wrote to his wife

applies to our relationship with Hashem too.



A

by Philip D Birmingham

Poem to my wife

A silence
A quiet time
A joy
A laugh
A tear
A trust
A peace
A warmth
A sharing
A knowing
A promise
A fulfillment
An understanding
An acceptance
A forgiveness
A dependence
A hope
A faith
A need
A smile
A touch
A word
A glance
A lover
A love
A friend
You