this is just a summary of what Yechida wrote a couple of days ago. If anything seems off about it, it's me.
it's now 3 pages long. I believe the main point is towards the end.
Even though this is an anonymous forum, I’m still nervous about saying this. I feel this is important to say, even though I tend to be more reserved and private.
This past week, I was told to take a break from the forum. Though that was difficult, it made me realize that I have an obligation to this forum to express certain things that are difficult for me to describe.
Even though we are all coming from different places, with different attitudes about the 90 days, or therapy, I feel that maybe if I tell you about my fight, it may help you. I see myself in many of you.
I am now in my late thirties, but I still remember what it was like to be a child and a teen. I can still relate to every age. Sometimes, when I listen to my seven-year-old talk, I feel like I’m still seven. And when I read some of your posts, I remember what it was like to be a teenager, or in my early twenties. This ability to remember and feel can be both a blessing and a burden. A part of me wants to forget the great intensity of my youth, but I cannot.
Do you also feel like that? Do you also have an inner world which threatens to overcome you? If you do, then I would like to open up more, and share certain aspects of myself that I have kept hidden until now.
First, on the practical side. I do not have internet at home. This has saved me tons of grief, and gives me peace of mind at least at home. Aside from the spiritual dangers of the internet, it can also be a great distraction that can hinder a good physical life. I am not saying that others should not have filtered internet, but for me and my family this is the right thing. I do have a laptop, but I don’t use the internet at home (? Not so clear about that). That’s why you will only see posts from me on weekdays during work hours. My supervisor allows me to post as long as my work gets done, so I prepare the material at home and post it during the day. During lunch, I usually look for various poems, articles, essays and short stories that inspire me, hoping that they will inspire you too.
If I had the time, I would spend a lot of that time and energy interacting here, especially in the Wall of Honor section. The Chizzuk part of this site is extremely crucial and it has been bugging me for a long time that I have not participated in that vital aspect of the site. I read some of the threads and I wish I could read all of them. If I would be able to retire now, I would dedicate a portion of my time to giving chizzuk. That is how important I know this is. I wish there had been a site like this when I was a teenager, but for now, no internet at home plus the fact that I have to squeeze postings in at work greatly limits the amount of time I can be on the site. I chose to focus on giving chizzuk through what I write, and what I find instead of through daily interactions. Please forgive me for this; I wish I could do more.
Now back to my story. There were periods in my life that I suffered from great inner turmoil, especially when I was 12, in my late teen years, and in my early twenties. Out of the blue, these confusing feelings would resurface again with a great intensity, sometimes triggered by a truly stressful event or a challenging period of time. Now I see that it was what we call depression with a nice dosage of anxiety and a very strong lack of self esteem. At the time, I didn’t understand what it was. I later realized that depression, even to the extent that I felt it, is extrememly common. Thousands upon thousands of boys and girls, especially of that age, go through what I did. But in my stupidity [ed note- bad word :)] youth, I did not know that I was normal. So this depression and low self esteem became a terrible secret burden. Now I see clearly that many of my negative behaviors came from this inner turmoil. It is very possible that the things that haunted me will affect many of you.
I believe that many of you have had problems with lust. Whether it be struggling with lewd thoughts or looking at unhealthy sick images, these problems are a SYMPTOM of the true problem.
How do I know this?
Because it is completely normal to feel these desires within us. But I have noticed that anytime I went through a low period in my life, lust-wise, it was because of an internal issue or problem. For people for whom lust is a direct cause, then they would have more problems in spring and summer and less so in the fall and winter. It is normal to feel a desire when people walk around in less clothing. For married people, it would be normal for the six weeks after a child is born to be much more difficult than during those regular patterned cycles of marital life. It should be much harder to not lust when we are exposed to unsupervised internet than if we only have limited or no access
But with me this was not always the case.
It’s true that sometimes the natural external situation generated the problem.
Which is why though I want to make a chasson happy, I do not stay long by weddings unless I feel that I have to. And yes, in the summer I have to be extra careful. Just like everyone else, I am affected by the external stimuli and the environment around me.
But often there was no pattern or logic why sometimes I had more difficulty than others. Sometimes, my winters were harder than summers. I too had several larger spaces of separation after children were born, and they were all different. There was one time where it was no problem at all, while another time was exceptionally difficult. Finally I realized that when I had inner joy and calmness I had fewer problems with these issues than I did when I was upset, aggravated, depressed, or anxious.
When was I at my worst possible behavior?
When I hated myself.
Hated myself for being human.
Hated myself for even “normal” slips and falls that I did not think were normal.
(which seems like excess humility but in reality it is a subtle but deadly form of arrogance , not willing to “let go”, and let Hashem in)
This self hatred and self castigation and feeling worthless and not taking joy in the fact that I had some good qualities; this was the CAUSE of my inner hell. While there are some valid reasons why I have a tendency to hating myself, I cannot blame anyone.
Hashem wants me to work with what I have.
During the late teenage years I can across various sections of the Tanya, because I had this habit of browsing through a lot of seforim hoping to find some answers to my internal issues that I absolutely refuse to consider talking to anyone about. And I came across pieces of this sefer especially chapter 26 thru 31 that really helped, and later when I heard shiurim on these chapters, it really helped me in a very very practical way. Again it was bashert that I only got the benefit of internalizing these concepts later in life, and not when I needed to hear it the most.
There must have been a reason why this was so.
So one of the things I plan to do, with Hashem’s help, is to explain parts of the chapters 26-31 in a way that it will really hit home. To take what is written there and apply it practically. I will try to do this with the great advice within the words of our gedolim of all generations.
When I write these things, I am talking to myself as well.
I hope it helps.
Please forgive me when I say the wrong thing or if I slip and make mistakes in the way I talk to you. The last thing I would want to do is to abuse the honor and privilege of being here, and that is also a big fear that I have. so I daven to Hashem that I should always help and never hurt.
I can only try
Everything is in Hashem’s hands
(I know some of you may feel that it is no big deal, but for me this was very hard to write and a big part of me wants to delete it. the only reason I wrote this here is because I think it may help some of my dear brothers and sisters, because I think some of you know good and well about the things I talked about here)
