(an open letter to all reader of the forum, as well as to those that read this thread)
And Guard, please don’t put this anywhere else, not in chizzuk emails, and not anywhere else other than here. I’m not even comfortable about it being here.
Dear brothers and sisters,
Even hiding behind the name yechida, I am not comfortable opening up about certain things. At first I thought that the reason for this was the obvious one. So that people should not discover who I am. But now I see that that has very little to do with it. Even practically nothing to do with it .Because what is important to divulge here are not external facts that lend itself to external identification, but rather the world that is within the mind and heart. So my reluctance to open up is more of a strong internal need to keep things hidden within myself for many reasons, some valid reasons, and some not.
And though there are things that I would not express on a public forum such as this, there are still a lot that I could and should. As you know, I had a dilemma concerning being here. Let me make this clear. The dilemma that I had was a reflection of the many flaws within yechida, not this holy website. And the week I was told to be away was difficult, and I was happy to be back. but the same time I now know that I have an obligation to say things about myself that I do not want to. And that my being here comes as a great gift to me, and as a true honor to be in the presence of such wonderful gifted neshamos that are on this special site , but it also comes as a great responsibility, one that I am very afraid of. and I am ashamed of myself for this, but I was truthful till this point, and I will remain truthful going forward, what I am ashamed of is that there is a small part of me that would have been relieved not to be allowed to come back here, because now I am afraid. Because to be here, is to help in every way I possibly can , and to help, I must open myself up to the internal world that was and is yechida, because many of you know a lot of this inner world in your own unique way.
I see a lot of myself in many of you. Not all of you, as we are all of very different personalities, and my struggles in life may be different than yours. Even in this very issue that this site was created for---dealing with the sick stuff that we are surrounded by, in this dark world---there are so many different aspects of this fight against immorality that affects us in very very different ways, which is why many of you have opposite opinions on the 90 day chart or the various therapy methods and other issues. It’s a very personal fight and every individual needs their true path in dealing with this. So my coping with these issues may be of a different nature than yours.
But still, I see myself in many of you.
I am now in the later part of my thirties. but my childhood and teens and twenties are not a distant memory. Some specific events and facts and figures and names I have forgotton. but my inner state of mind and heart I have never forgotten. So when I listen to my 7 year old I sometimes do not feel like a parent. I feel like I’m seven years old. The brain of the adult with the heart of myself at the age of seven. And when I read the posts of the great deep kind sensitive and wonderful individuals here that are in their teens and early twenties, my heart feels like how it was when I was during that stage of my life
Which is both a blessing and a burden.
It is a great joy wracked in great pain.
A part of me wants to forget that great intensity that was within me then, but I cannot forget it, as it always resurfaces.
Sooner or later, in comes right back up.
On this aspect I ask for feedback, whether you indeed relate to the inner world that I will describe. Because the only reason I am doing this is because I think it will help some of you. that there are some things I describe that ring true to you and the dilemmas you are facing now. Otherwise, I prefer to remain silent on the complicate and often unpleasant maze that is and was within yechida.
Here I will just give basic information.
First on the practical side. I do not have internet at home. This, by the way, saves me tons and tons of grief and gives me more piece of mind that I would ever have if I had internet connection. Aside from the spiritual dangers of the internet, it can also be a great distraction that could hinder a good physical life. I am not saying that others should not have it (with a filter) because everyone’s situation is different, but for me and my family this is the right thing (how my kids get their information for school projects is an issue and it can and is dealt being with-but that discussion is not for now) but I do have a labtop. This is why there are practically no yechida postings on Motzoi Shabbos and Sunday or when I take a day off.. At work , my supervisor is aware of what I am doing and I have permission to post as long as my work gets done. Most of my own postings, I do at home at night, or on the weekend, and I post those items during the course of the week. I do this so that I do not spend my work hours posting. I need to work. However, what I do at work during my lunch break, is the second aspect of the yechida postings which consists of selections of various poems, articles, essays and short stories that inspire me which in turn I hope inspire you as well. This takes less time because I do not have to type most of it.(some items that I cannot locate on line, I have to type) I can copy and paste. My work consists mostly of not long projects but many myriads of small divisible tasks so that I am able to go in for two or three minutes and then go on to my next task. A slower day, I can interact more. A busier day, I interact less. Hashem has helped that things come to my head that would not have come up to me without your input and comments.
If I had the time, I would spend a lot of that time and energy interacting especially in the Wall of Honor section. The Chizzuk part of this site is extremely crucial and it has been bugging me for a long time that I have not participated in that vital aspect of the site .I read some of the threads and I wish I could hang in there in all of them. If I would be able to retire, I would dedicate a portion of time to do this. That is how important I know this is. It is something I wish would have been there when I was a teenager. but the reality is that my choice (the right one) of no internet in the house plus the fact that I have to squeeze postings in at work (albeit with permission) limits greatly the amount of time I can be on the site, and so I had to choose to focus on the two aspects mentioned above. So please forgive me for my deficiency in my interaction. I wish I could do more.
There were periods in my life that I suffered from great inner turmoil of a severe nature. when I was 12, and especially in my late teen years and early twenties. and out of the blue, these feeling would resurface again with a great intensity, sometimes triggered by a truly stressful event or a challenging period of time. I did not understand what it was then. Now I see that it was what we call depression with a nice dosage of anxiety and a very strong lack of self esteem. Why was I so dense as to not understand this then?? I cannot answer this. It should have been the most obvious thing in the world. But it wasn’t. Later, I came to know that what I experienced was, and still is, quite common, even the extreme severity of it-very common .thousands upon thousands of boys and girls especially of that age go through what I did. I should have known that I was not the only one. This plague strikes thousand upon thousands. But in my stupidity, I did not know. So it became a terrible secret burden. And now I see clearly that many of my negative behaviors on a spiritual level came from this inner turmoil.
That is what I may describe in more detail, if it will help.
Perhaps not right away, but over the course of time, because the detail may be different, but a lot of the things that haunted me are things that many of you relate to.
It is also my belief that many of you (again , I stress, not all of you, so what I am about to say is not true for everyone ,I know that) have had problems with lust in various issues with struggling with lewd thoughts or looking at unhealthy sick images –but the problems with this being the SYMPTOM, even as a major major problem in your life, it is the SYMPTOM, not the CAUSE.
Now, being a normal healthy male (and female), it is completely normal to feel these desires within us.
But what I noticed with myself was that any time these issues took a turn for the worse for me, it was more because of an internal issue or problem ,that manifested itself in problems such as improper thoughts blasting into my head.
You see, for people for whom lust is a direct cause ,then I would think that they would have more problems in spring and summer and less so in the fall and winter. or that for married people , the six weeks after a child is born is a much more difficult time for the husband than during those regular patterned cycles of marital life. or that more exposure to unsupervised internet would make things more difficult then times when you have limited or no access
But with me this was not always the case.
It’s true that sometimes the natural external situation generated the problem.
Which is why though I want to make a chasson happy ,I do not stay long by weddings unless I feel that I have to.
And yes ,in the summer you have to be extra careful.
So I admit that just like everyone else, I am affected by the external stimuli and the environment around me
But often, with me, there was no pattern or logic why sometimes I had more difficulty than others.
Again I was very dense and stupid, so it took me a long time to realize this.
That sometimes, my winters were harder than summers.
And I too have several larger spaces of separation after children were born, and they were all different. And there was one time where it was no problem at all ,while another time was exceptionally difficult..and not because I was a bad person one time and a good person another time. because deep within, I only want is to be a good Yid. Just like all of you here.
Finally I realized that when I had inner joy and calmness I had much less problems with these issues than when I was upset or aggravated .or depressed or anxious.
When was I at my worst possible behavior ?
When I hated myself.
Hated myself for being human.
Hated myself for even “normal” slips and falls that I did not think were normal.
(which seems like excess humility but in reality it is a subtle but deadly form of arrogance , not willing to “let go”, and let Hashem in)
This self hatred and self castigation and feeling worthless and not taking joy in the fact that I had some good qualities, this was the CAUSE of my inner hell.
There were some valid reasons why I have a tendency towards these inner scars that I have.
But I cannot blame anyone
Hashem wants me to work with what I have
During the late teenage years I can across various sections of the Tanya, because I had this habit of browsing through a lot of seforim hoping to find some answers to my internal issues that I absolutely refuse to consider talking to anyone about. And I came across pieces of this sefer especially chapter 26 thru 31 that really helped, and later when I heard shiurim on these chapters, it really helped me in a very very practical way. Again it was bashert this way, that I only really got the benefit of internalizing these concepts later in life, and not when I needed to hear it the most.
There must have been a reason why this was so.
So one of the things I plan to do, with Hashem’s help, is to explain parts of the chapters 26-31 in a way that it will really hit home. To take what is written there and apply it practically. I will try to do this with the great advice within the words of our gedolim of all generations.
When I write these things , I am talking to myself as well.
I hope it helps.
Please forgive me when I say the wrong thing or if I slip and make mistakes in the way I talk to you. The last thing I would want to do is to abuse the honor and privilege of being here, and that is also a big fear that I have. so I daven to Hashem that I should always help and never hurt.
I can only try
Everything is in Hashem’s hands
(I know some of you may feel that it is no big deal, but for me this was very hard to write and a big part of me wants to delete it .the only reason I wrote this here is because I think it may help some of my dear brothers and sisters, because I think some of you know good and well about the things I talked about here)
