Dear friends
Some of this post was hard to write because the issue is a very hurtful and unpleasant
But it had to be written
I would like to speak in a general way on this that was written “In ‘real’ life I am not accustomed to compliments and encouragement”
This issue is so widespread and affects almost all of humanity that it is worthwhile spending some time on it.
It is human nature to overlook the good that is near us and to ignore the gifts that we have all the time. So if your water is shut down for a week, and you don’t have water, and you can’t move to another place, you feel that loss in a very deep way.
But if the water is always there, you never think of it at all.
Water, which gives us life, becomes nothing to you.
It’s just there.
But with human nature, it goes one dangerous and deadly step further.
You spit with disgust into that very water that gives you life.
With Yidin there is something beyond what is with the rest of humanity. Because when Hashem tells us that we are a treasure(segulah) ,each one of us is a letter or part of a letter that without it would be posul, and that each one of us has unique qualities that we were given to use to fulfill our mission in life.
And while each one of us has a dark side that we have to fight, and that we need to work hard to control or rectify or direct in a healthy way, Hashem still gave every Yid special gifts and good qualities that we can appreciate and build upon.
But we have a hard time seeing the good side of another Yid
This applies mostly to the ones closest to you.
Generally speaking, the more you are with a person, the more exposed you are to him or her, the less special they will be to you, the more annoyed you will be at them. the less tolerant you become in the natural weakness in that other person, until in many cases this lack of appreciation can turn into bitterness and hate.
So you are invited to another family’s house for a Shabbos, a house with a lot of little kids and the house is buzzing with activity, the wife is working very hard in that kitchen to make sure the guests and the family have their delicious food, but she is a little behind schedule and is somewhat in a disorganized state. The guest sees this and realizes that she is doing the best she can under the circumstances. He thinks she must be overwhelmed. maybe she had a hard day .maybe some of the food did not come out exactly right and the chicken looked a little burned because it was in the oven ten minutes longer that it should have been because the e 6 year old had tumbled down the steps and it was those ten minutes the child needed tending to. And she has a mild headache too. and the two year old was driving her nuts, but she is still smiling and saying “Good Shabbos” and tries to do her best with this seudah.
She prepares a Kiddush cup for the husband but forgot to wash out one for the guest.
The guest understands this because he sees she is overwhelmed but the husband goes nuts. That the 5th time you didn’t prepare the Kiddush cup for the guest. And I may add that this is the 3rd time in 7 Shabbosim that you embarrassed me by burning the damn chicken. and if he is more refined and doesn’t use the word damn, he will say something like you have to be ‘mesakin’ this ‘inyan’ of not being ‘machnis orach’ in the ‘toredike’ way because a husband is “mechuyav” to be ‘madrich’ his “ben bayis’ in a proper “derech” ---- which is equivalent to saying damn chicken.
Onoas Devorim is Onoas Devorim.
It goes both ways.
Wives do these things to their husbands too.
And children to parents, and parents to children, and classmates, employers and employees, Rav with his shul members(the long time members),Rebbe with Talmidim. counselers with campers
And even close friend of many many years
It happens with almost every one who has a continuous relationship with someone else.
.
Objective outsiders-I mean using pure logic and not even trying to be kind-just seeing things as an outsider-will see many many more good qualities in this human being-much more than one own husband or wife sees.
Even the cold analyst, with no particular warm emotion, will see your spouse and recognize positive traits that you in your blindness will not see.
Because the yetzer horah blinds people from seeing good qualities in the ones closest to them.
This is why we make a big deal about Birchas HaChamah-once in 28 years.
No big deal to get excited about that.
Even Shofar-once a year is something felt deeply by many.
But good old faithful Krias Shema-neglected because it’s there all the time, twice a day every day.
The wife and husband, dealing with each other, day in, day out, day in, day out, becomes a much more neglected thing than Krias Shema.
Until one of them drops dead
And then, all the friends tells the surviving one what a wonderful neshomah that was ,yes that one, the one who was with you all these years.
You see that wooden box with the body in it and you realize things you should have realized many years ago.
But then is too late.
This is a great tragedy.
And we are all in need to fix this problem.
Because when a person feels the value within them, they thrive.
It is best to see the goodness in ourselves without needing to be reminded.
We should not need to be dependant on the “pat on the back” given by someone else.
We are special.
We have a unique mission by Hashem.
And Hashem values us and needs us.
This should fill us with peace and calmness and inner joy
We should not need to be getting that encouragement and compliment to do the right thing.
Hashem’s telling us how important we are to Him should be enough.
But it is human nature to yearn for that smile, for those kind words, for the chizzuk coming from a pure heart that loves you because of the good that is in you and will not look away in disgust with what is wrong with you.
You want this Yid to smile at you and see the good and you, and even if this Yid finds the dark and the sick and the ugly and the twisted in you, this Yid stills smiles at you with the purest love and tells you I see this and I love you just the same, and we are both going to pick up mops and soap and clean this place up so it can show it’s true beauty.
And after we are done you are coming to my house, in my heart, and you will help me clean up my mess as well.
As crazy as this world is now, with all its difficult tests, it would be much much easier if we felt the value of our neshamah.
And here is an even greater thing.
Put aside the avierah concept for a second
Let’s do what the Chovas Halvovos does all the time-use the Mind for avodas Hashem
Hashem loves the physical body, -the Guf of a Yid.
He is begging us to take care of it and use it the right way.
And if we felt that Ahava that Hashem has for the Guf of a Yid-there would be no need for pornography or any such thing that abuses the Guf of a Yid.
Because if you study the subject, you will see that indulging in these things is self abuse.
You are hurting yourself in a very bad way and Hashem is begging you to take care of yourself and not do this.
He is also asking of you to appreciate the great gifts that are right there before you.
The water coming out of that sink.
Don’t wait for your wife to be dying of cancer to thank her for all those burnt chickens.
You would accept 3000 Shabbosim with burnt chickens, half clean cutlery with a messy messy house, with forgotten guest Kiddush cups just to have her walking around again in good health.
And we do not want any type of destruction or harm or hurt to come upon us because of our stubborn insistence in looking always at the ugly side of another Yid-not for a constructive purpose(such as self protection) but just because that is what we want to do. your lazy, your sloppy, your IQ is in the basement, if I would have married you- no one would have you ugly fat dog, your one dumb husband who can’t figure out how to make some more money, or you tell that friend I never really liked you in the first place. or telling a Yid here that if your head and heart struggles with filth then you must be a toilet.
Word such as these literally kills.
Or even worse, it’s like being tortured alive
Or what a more subtle criticism but no less poisonous “you are not up to par:”
No less deadly.
People have no idea what words can do.
What power words have.
My grandmother told me words that she heard 40 years earlier that affected her in a very powerful way.
And everyone is like this.
I’ve heard Rav Pam say this exactly.
“People are very sensitive”
He was speaking in Yiddish but this he said in English
“People are very sensitive”
And Hashem appreciates every Yid
He wants us to do the same.
In many many ways.
But with Words too.
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