2-Sexual Responsibility
This is a very large & important subject & we will just barely touch the surface here but it’s a start.
Before we start, it’s important that you discard the childish notion of the word “responsibility”. People fear it, assuming it to be a looming adult/authority figure wagging an angry finger at you. Restricting you. Not letting you enjoy life. Always Judgemental. Always frowning. Always raining on your party.
Not so.
In the context, I’m talking about, “Responsibility” brings freedom & joy. And when I talk about Sexual Responsibility it’s in the context of expressing it correctly & thus joyfully & healthily. For single boys & girls, it’s the safeguarding it & directing it healthily until the time comes when they will get married, and at that time will be able to express that deep part of themselves freely, without guilt & with true joy. And when they do get married to their true soulmates , they need to know that they have every expectation of enjoying the sexual aspects of their marriage relationship in a very powerful way. For married men & women (& singles once they do marry), need to know that the sexual relationship is meant to be enjoyed immensely by the wife & for the husband. Not just physical pleasure. But mental, emotional & spiritual pleasure as well. Those aspects are neglected by the modern world. What a shame.
Another thing before we start. The discussion here is about the sexual component of marriage. This is one very crucial & important part of any marriage. However , it’s only one of the many components of the many aspects that a healthy marriage must obtain. Loyalty, friendship , communication, sacrifice, working together on budgets ,on children, on work, on household matters, on dealing with conflict, working out difference. So by no means am I hyperfocusing the sexual aspect of marriage. But that is what the current post is about. And within the healthy framework of marriage , it’s a very important & integral part that cannot be avoided & cannot be neglected.
The concept of a healthy active sexual life is a very important one. A Yid is meant to have this. A Yid is suppose to have this. May all Yiddin be healthy & well. May Hashem grant every Yid the gift of physical & emotional health. But this is clear. Barring any serious physical or emotional challenge,( &we must daven for every Yid that has these challenges & pray for him or her)it clear Hashem wants a Yid to express himself-& yes-even sexually-within marriage-as an expression of Hakoras Hatov-of Simchah-of a way to infuse real love & real Oneness into our physical lives in the most profound way
Many people are hesitant to express the concept in last paragraph I just wrote. Either because they disagree (that’s perfectly OK) or because even if they agree, people are afraid to acknowledge to themselves & to their spouses the importance of this aspect in life & in marriage. “Frum” men & women sometimes mistake tznius with unhealthy shame. Even happily married couples sometimes view the physical desire of each other & expressing themselves sexually towards each other as some type of character flaw ,a weakness, a n unavoidable “bdi ved” and not really as a powerful means of expressing the neshamah & getting closer to Hashem. We have seen so much how sexual desire distances a person from Hashem. But that it can get people closer to Hashem is a very inconceivable thought to most Torah Jews. Which is a major error. Because it is integral to the path of connecting with Hashem in the most deepest way. But what unfortunately occurred over time is that because of thes abuse & misuse of sexual energy, people have forgotton how to utilize it in the right way. Thus even healthy people will sometimes be uneasy about expressing the sexual aspect of marriage in positive glowing terms.
The addict too needs to know that sex & it’s expression is meant to be a very positive & very healthy experience. He can, with recovery , reach that point of actualizing that experience in his or her real life within the framework of a healthy & thriving marriage . However, while in the throes of his active addiction, the addict has no choice but to separate himself or herself from escaping into the sexual realm-& sometimes, needs to remove the sexual aspect even within the legal confines of marriage. Because he or she needs to STOP seeing everything with sexual lenses . For the addict , sex has become poison because they are actually abusing & hurting their own sexuality by its overuse & by its misuse & it is inhibiting them from using it properly.& its ruining their lives. Singles will confront problems on the onset of marriage & married people will have trouble developing a satisfying healthy sexual connection with their spouses. And it affects the ENTIRE personality & spreads to ALL aspects of life, hurting it & tainting it. But that doesn’t mean that sex is bad. IT doesn’t mean he or she can’t rebuild their lives with their spouses. But it will take serious recovery tools delineated on the GYE website as well as a very serious strong commitment to stay with the program. But there has to be a detoxification process from sex prior to it reentering his life in a healthy way.
It’s like an obese person who eats a pound of cake as a meal. For him, cake is poison. For regular people, cake is good. Nothing wrong with having it for desert here & there. But the obese person has to avoid cake like the plague. Until he recovers & loses the weight. Becomes fit & healthy. THEN only THEN can he start eating cake again. He needs to be careful. But if he is trained well, he can enjoy his cake again. It is no longer poison. It can actually be a good thing. A reward . Oneg Shabbos. Enjoy!!
You can look at Sexual Responsibility this way. There is a beautiful garden when young children play. The garden is surrounded by very high & tall fences. Security Guards ( credentials checked thoroughly) at the entrances patrolling at the gates & around the perimeter. The children inside are full of joy. It’s beautiful in there. The children play with a full freedom of expression, feeling free & open & alive. But how could they really? What about the fences? The guards? The answer is simple. That huge fence & guards protects them from child killers, rapists, sexual molesters & psychopaths that would not hesitate to infiltrate the garden & wreak havoc on the lives of these children. Some of these predators have beautiful radiant smiles. (pornstars) Loving voices. (boyfriends/girlfriends who really “CARE” about me)They can sing beautiful melodies. (attractive) They can give the children the time of their life. (feels good for the moment) But when they are done with that, they kill them.& hence the need for those fences. Those seemingly restrictive “terrible” fences.” Terrible” fences that prevent terrible crimes. These fences are actually the children’s greatest protector & friend
Same is true with the fences that are places to protect your sexuality. They are not there to hurt you. They are not there to make you a monk or nun. They are not there to ruin your life. They are not there to prevent you from having physical sensual pleasure in this world. They are not there to kill your sexual instincts or to make you feel rigid or imprisoned. They are there to protect you. They are there to allow you to enjoy the sexual realm fully within the safety of those fences. They protect single men & women so that they can be allowed to express it deeply when they find their soul mate & get married. They protect married men & women so that they can express it deeply the way to was meant to be.
Summary
Single men & women
For the men to know that zera (semen) within you is one of the greatest gifts Hashem has given you. You are given the gift of becoming a future father in Kllal Yisroel. Your soulmate will be with you in a short while,& that zera,& all the sexual expression within you is meant for her. Save it for her. It’s well worth it.
For the women to know the same thing. Hashem will provide you your zivvugim ,& its your husband whom you will share the rest of your life with & together you will grow & thrive. You are a sexual being & you will be able to express it with true love with your true soulmate. It’s worth waiting for.
2-Until that time comes , your marriage in the not so far future, that energy is to be harnessed & preserved. You can channel your youthful energy in so many positive directions. You can enjoy life in so many healthy ways. You are not giving up sex. You are protecting & preserving it within you for the right person & the right time. You will have it. But now is the time for walking, for singing, for excercising , for drawing. for painting, for writing, for praying ,for visiting the sick, for giving encouragement to the depressed, for praying, for dancing, for learning, for the healthy dreaming of a bright future!!!
Married Men & Women
1-Your kesher with your spouse is that fenced garden. Your home is that fenced garden. Your bedroom is that fenced garden. Just you & your spouse. No one else. Nothing else. No matter what the past was, this is your goal. With health ,with your recovery, your marriages will improve. Way more than you ever expected or imagined. Because all that wasted energy & focus will be off the garbage & channeled towards the improvement of your marriage relationship. To provide a safe haven in your heart & mind ,a deep rooted conviction & desire to channel all your sexual energy & interest on your husband, your wife-no one else. Sadly, many don’t even have this as a goal. Even with the natural slips & falls, you always need this goal deeply rooted in your soul. That alone should motivate you to recover. Why pornography ? (not just Torah but professional secularists have emphasized the negative aspects of porn on the lives of those trapped in it)Why false substitutes when you can have the real thing & live the real life? Be your real self? Actualize your real potential? Freeing up that wasted energy so that you can focus on your life, your marriage, your wife, your husband? Fight for your health,fight for your best selves,& fight for your marriage & work hard sticking to all the programs that GYE has to offer & to all the programs that can help you. You owe it to yourself. Once you taste what a real healthy connection is, you will see clearly how false & how empty the escapes you escaped into were.
As I said , I just touched the surface. But I will go to other aspects & then come back to this over time.
