Aish Article

Dear Gary,

My husband is always telling me the wonderful things he’s doing to make me happy. If he makes the bed, makes calls on my behalf, works hard at work, I hear about it. The other day he had to take care of a health insurance issue and he made sure to tell me that it took over two hours and three phone calls in case I thought it went smoothly. I don’t constantly tally up what I do for him and I find it childish for him to do this. My friends told me her husband doesn’t do this so why is mine?

Either he has low self-value or you’re not appreciating him enough… or both. Telling him to stop obviously hasn’t worked. Have an honest conversation about what he’s looking to gain from these comments. If you want it to diminish, the best thing you can do is send more appreciation his way. Appreciation is crucial. My research reported that unhappily married men said the number one thing they wanted in their marriages is more appreciation.

Unhappily married men said the number one thing they wanted in their marriages is more appreciation.Whenever I ask a couple to list the things they appreciate about each other, they always come up with a very short list. When I mention the obvious missing points like being a good parent, working hard to make money, the person always tells me, “But he/she is supposed to do that.”

Most spouses make the mistake of believing that appreciation is only given when someone has gone well beyond the call of duty. Yet every one of us wants to be noticed and loved for our hard work regardless of whether or not it is our responsibility. Appreciation can be as easy as a simply hug, thank you, loving gesture (her favorite flower, his favorite magazine). It’s more about a focus and a culture that encourages appreciation than tireless energy.

Whether or not he should be telling you about the “wonderful things he does” is the subject of the Talmud written approximately 2,000 years ago. It sums up that one should tell that he is the giver of the gift if the recipient will not figure it out on his own. However, if will be be clear to the recipient that you gave the gift, you should not mention it.

When a spouse is giving a gift, he or she should tell the spouse of the time, effort, and approximate cost, if it will in no way be clear. This is not tooting your own horn but rather elaborating that you love your spouse and are willing to go the extra mile to make your spouse happy and continue to create a loving relationship. If the receiving spouse will know of the gift and the energy and/or money it took, then it’s unnecessary to mention it. Under those circumstances, telling the recipient could be a way of bragging, trying to make the person feel guilty, or getting something in return. That person may have an excessive need to call attention to his actions so that he can be praised. If you feel this is the case, have a frank, loving conversation about it while listening carefully with a willingness to confront yourself and evaluate if you can be more appreciative as well.

When a gift is given from a spouse, it becomes the recipient’s job to be properly appreciative so that the gift does indeed create a warmer, more loving moment between spouses. Don’t wait for the big gifts. Appreciate the little things as well.

I saw this.. Also is so great that shulchan aruch (Ha'Rav) says (orach chayim 445 sif 1) "if we're not INVOLVED in destroying the chametz ONLY THEN are we 'sinning'".. The chometz (sins) are there(!) You can see them(!).. Don't over-react says Torah... As long as you are involved (really) in getting rid of it, you are not transgressing...  What if u trip and chametz falls? What if a kid knocks it out of your hand? What if a sick zeidei is in the way of it and it takes a while to get to it??? NO WORRY SAYS TORAH! As long as you are osek in getting rid of the negative, there is no aveira! (This is good for us who LOVE to 'realize' how 'bad' we are..)

as with shmiras eynayim

first look that came suddenly your'e not accountable for

so the chometz is there.

knowing this is not the end of the world

but now that you know the chometz is there,you cannot look again

Yes.. I belive w/time and avoda the 'need' to look is overcome w/
Hashem's help. I work in the city and 'see' everything all day. So what? That means I have to stare?? Desperately??!? I think not! After thousands of surrendered triggers these past 7 years it's BH natural to 'just keep moving with simcha' (actively choosing to build my shalom bayis plays a MAJOR role!..and my wife is NOT(!) my typical trigger!) The potential to fall always lurks therefore the halacha: "to be osek in getting out the evil"..

But What about 'beginners"?? They have a different osek. They may indeed stumble. So? What if I tripped when bringing chumatz out of my home?? And it broke and spread around other places? What if I stepped on it by accident and mashed it into a crack in the floor?? BIG SIN right? Says Torah: no. As long as someone is generally osek in getting it out there is only that mitzva of removing it. No avera. 'Just not looking' sounds great if we only had one yetzer; with Hashem's kindness however, he gave us 2.. Both with the same strength. My experience is that it takes time and repetition (with good friends) to 'quiet' the voice of the 'self destructive' animal inside: and time takes time.

  But for anyone here married, I can testify EVERY OTHER WOMAN used to be 'better' than my wife.. BH BH BH today that's not the case. And for the single guys, I was as depressed as they come before marriage.. Gues what!? Surprisingly enough, Torah has proven to be true. Life is good.. I'm so very very grateful to share and connect..

Rambam hilchos nizkey mamon perek 2 halacha 19 "one who does something different (to antagonize)and another reacts to  him with something different, the one antagonized is patur" (if u antagonize a dog and he bites, the dog owner is patur because the dog doesn't normally bite)..

We are yidden, the most precious reality in life. We essentially WANT to do what Hashem wants (Rambam hilchos gerushin, the famous halacha "hit him till he says I want", because he really does want)..

Comes the 'antagonizer' and 'excites' us.

When we're unprepared, we 'react' to his incitement in impure ways not 'normal' for us... Says Toras emes: patur. It's not who we really are.

Soon b'ezras Hashem , we get enough tools to not be swayed by his tactics...

its an automatic assumption by many that all other women are better than thier own wives

its like you are given a garden to take care of,but you haven't ,so its full of weeds

so all you do all day is stare gloomingly at the garden across the street.nice roses there.nice tulips there.but not here.here I have the ugly weeds.

but the wise man simply gets to work.He sings his favorite tune and starts pulling out the weeds,planting beautiful things,and before you know it,you have yourself one real gorgeous garden.

the fool is so busy looking across the street so he is unaware of the beautiful gifts that are right where he is.he only sees weeds.not the beautiful garden that is his for the taking.If only he put in the effort to cultivate it 

that's beautiful yechida, thanks for sharing

Thanks Yechida. I will tend my garden today.

Dov, I will watch.  8) 8)

Beautiful

Aish Article

Protecting the sanctity of our marriage.

by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin


Who is mighty? The one who conquers his evil inclination (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1)

Whether or not we are following the drama of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s admission of infidelity and the breakup of his 25-year marriage, we can learn a few lessons about protecting the sanctity of our relationship.

Lesson #1: Protect yourself

Those who scoff at Jewish law as being archaic or out of touch with modern times will surely see the wisdom of our Sages in setting up protective measures.

The laws of yichud (seclusion) prohibit a man and woman who are not married to be secluded with each other in a private area. This is to prevent them from being tempted to engage in promiscuous acts. The Sages realized that there is a slippery slope when it comes to these matters and that by preventing the possibility of committing such acts, greatly decreases the temptation and likelihood of their occurrence.

These safeguards are not a judgment on our capacity for self-control or a call to distrust ourselves; rather they are a realistic assessment of human desire and a way to protect the sanctity of our relationships.

Lesson #2: Make your marriage holy

When a couple gets married under the chuppah, the husband proclaims to his wife, harei at mekudeshes li, “behold you are betrothed to me,” as he places the ringer on her finger. It is with these words and his action that he accomplishes what is called kiddushin (betrothal), which comes from the Hebrew word that means holy and separate. Marriage sanctifies the relationship by making it exclusive. You are no longer “available;” you are mine and I am yours.

When couples are able to honor this commitment seriously, they can build a strong relationship full of trust and joy. Unfortunately, our society does not always honor that. We live in a time when the lines of “appropriate” behavior between sexes are increasingly blurred.  It is quite common for married men and women to flirt with members of the opposite sex. While this may seem innocuous, it detracts from the exclusivity we have to our spouse. What appears to be a cute comment or glance can easily become something more serious. When statistics show that 60% of men will cheat on their wife and 50% of women will cheat on their husband, we cannot dismiss the slippery slope effect.


Lesson #3: Finding fulfillment in your marriage

We need to focus on finding fulfillment in our own marriage. In order for a marriage to be a vibrant, living entity, energy must be invested in the relationship. When we are satisfied with our marriage, we will not be tempted to look elsewhere. When we feel unloved, ignored, or unappreciated we go everywhere but to our spouse to get those needs met. We find other people and activities to feel those needs, feeling hopeless about ever getting what we want. 

Without the proper communication skills, it is often too threatening to share our frustrations about these unmet needs with our spouse. It is a lot safer to call a friend and complain or just withdraw and move further away from your spouse. 

When we make our relationship a priority and we learn how to work on our marriage, making it the best it can possibly be, we can refocus our energy where it needs to be. Otherwise, if you are experiencing stress in your marriage and feel ignored by your spouse, a little attention from another man or woman can turn into emotional and physical intimacy.

Although we may feel our marriage is invincible, if we don’t consciously make an effort to honor our relationship, protect its sanctity, and nurture it with love and care, we run the risk of it being terminated.

Bh my mom in town.. Not 'religious'.. Who cares, she jewish. My kids teach her all about yiddishkeit.. She listens.. So me and precious wife have time to relax together 4 a change these next 3- 4 days.. Friends asked me to come 'hang out'.. Na.. Need to 'tend my beautiful garden"! :-)

...I'll watch....

@ 10 I'm planning on teaching Tanya through the eyes of a lust drunk starting ch 10 phone conference 1-712-429-0690 Participant PIN: 225356
Feel free to 'listen in' please I plan on teaching slow w/clear explanation.. 20 minutes maybe.. To be ready for shlomo's call

From Reb Shlomo

Everybody knows that on Shavuos, is Kabbalas HaTorah of Torah sh'b'ksav (the written Torah). Lag B’Omer is Torah Sh'Baal Peh (the Oral Torah). Because basically Reb Shimon ben Yochai is the biggest Talmid of Rabbi Akiva. Rabbi Akiva is the Master of Torah Sh’Baal Peh. Maybe Lag B'Omer was a gevald Yom Tov in former good days. Every year it gets stronger. It gets deeper and deeper and deeper. I want you to know it's not only adding to the Torah; every Yid is one letter in the Torah. There's Torah sh'Baal Peh adding to a Yid. I was once asked what's the difference between you and the others. I say, everyone is concerned with answering a shvera Rambam, a hard Rambam. I'm concerned with answering a shvera Yid. Because I have a kasha (question) on this Yid, why don't you keep Shabbos? It's a gevalt kasha, right? So I'm trying to answer it. So the answer is, you have to invite this Yid for Shabbos and he'll keep Shabbos, right. It's very simple. Give him mamash a taste of Shabbos.

I'm sure most of you know the Torah of the Mei HaShiloach, Im bechukosai taylaychu, if in My statutes you walk. And again just in a nutshell, Lag B'Omer always comes out between Emor, Behar and Bechukosai. What's Bechukosai all about? This is an unbelievable Torah from the Mei HaShiloach if you remember it. You know the Mitzvos are very deep, very deep, very deep. But how do you know that this is really what G-d wanted? You know I can do everything 100% right, it's 100% according to Shulchan Aruch, 100% according to everyone, but yet, G-d wanted more of me. G-d wanted so much more of me. So the heilege Ishbitzer said, this is called "Chukosai", is that awesome? This "more." It's not... you cannot understand in your head, it comes from the deepest, deepest, "carved in" of your soul.